Thursday, August 12, 2010

Reasons why I burned my head

Well, yeah, my head is sunburned, and it sucks and hurts. I am not bald, yet at least, but I am suffering a bald discomfort. So, why would someone with plenty of hair on his head burn his head? Answer: With bad luck mixed with stupidity.

I live in the country, really in the country, where I live there are only houses, old people and old animals, we don’t have shops, or any stores at all. There is a small village like five miles from here, there are some shops and stores, but it still is the country. When I lived in my home town, even though it was a small town, I had almost everything, a lot of stores, a lot of people, buildings, drugs… It was good.

When I came to this place, I had to look for everything again, a new bakery, a new grocery, a new barber shop, new friends, new prostitutes, new drug dealers, new satanic groups, new kids to be molested… It was like hell at the beginning, but thank God I found almost everything at the end.

The barber I found was actually more like a beauty salon, it claimed to be unisex and the name was the name of the hair dresser, so everything was great: A woman cutting my hair, giving me amazing massages at the end, charging me less than I was used to. In that place I was the funny bohemian guy who went there once a month to cut his hair and have fun (Okay, there is a possibility where I was the guy who thought he was funny and bohemian, but was actually annoying and missing a tooth, and instead of cutting his hair and having fun I was cutting my hair and inconveniencing everybody)

My problem arrived when I had this conversation with my barber-hairdresser: (I don’t have to translate this time, every single barber or hairdresser in Spain speaks fluent English)

Hairdresser: You are not going to believe this

Me: Damn. Because of the massages you gave me you are now pregnant and want me to marry you

Hairdresser: Mmmm… What did we tell you about saying weird things in this store? Didn’t you read our new policy dedicated specially for you?

Me: Come on Susi, that was funny… hehe

Hairdresser: It wasn’t funny at all as always, and it was offensive as always… And please, stop calling me that. My name is not Susi jackass! (I had a lot of fun in my barber shop, I loved it)

Me: I have a lot of fun in this barber shop, I love it

Hairdresser: You know we are “very” glad about that… Point was, we are closing this store and opening another in this same street, it is going to be bigger and different, you are going to love it

Me: Are you closing? What the heck Susi? I thought we had a deal

Hairdresser: No we didn’t, stop saying that please

Me: How is going to be the new store like?

Hairdresser: It is going to be bigger than this one, better than this one. And it is going to be really awesome, you will see

Me: (At this point I saw that my hair was already cut) Ok, I’m glad, it seems like my next hair cut will be in the new store… I think I’m done for today Would you finish me off already?

Hairdresser: You’ll have to stop talking like that while giving me suggestive-disgusting looks if you want to be allowed in my new store

Me: (I got up and prepared to leave) Well, see you soon then…

Hairdresser: By the way, my new beauty salon will be called: Barbie’s salon. Bye

Believe it or not, I have dignity. I can cut my hair in a unisex but actually woman’s beauty salon and I have for a couple of years. But I can not cut my hair in a place named: Barbie’s salon. I am not a Barbie, no one where I live is even close to being a Barbie. I don’t know why they are using that fucking name. So, since I run off of hair’s cutters. I thought my best solution was to skin my head. And that is what I did. I shaved my head. Then I went out with the sun and I sunburned my head.

So, right now I am an idiot with his head red, without hair and a barber shop. I swear this is what happened, but just in case you don’t believe me. These are other reasons why I burned my head:

1/ I am actually a 23 year old bald guy missing a tooth and with wounds in his tongue (Are you girls looking for a summer love?)

2/ I had really long hair and some guys from the village thought it would be funny to set it on fire (I made a lot of good friends around here, it was funny though, for them…)

3/ I shouldn’t have performed cunnilingus on her (I’m allergic to vaginas fluids, they burn my skin and make my balls itchy)

4/ I hit a light by mistake, burning my head and making a fool of myself (In this case, hitting the light and making a fool of my self was not related)

5/ Because of the fucking maid I started working as a yogis and I am still very much a rookie (By the way, I need a new assistant)

6/ I thought setting fire to myself was the least boring thing to do in the country (I was right)

7/ I have a crush on a girl working at intensive care at the hospital (She is still not interested in me and I’m running out of places to burn in my body)

8/ The only reader of this blog found me and took his revenge (This entry is my revenge to his revenge)

9/ I can not afford to buy a hat, which is why I made an account on adsense (I have 14 cents already!)

10/ I am an idiot who thought he was too cool to put sun block on his head and now he is fucked up (Fuck my life)


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