Thursday, April 5, 2012

Christians suck

It's the third time my parents invite Christians from Madrid to have lunch in my house in the Holy week.

This time a shitty marriage came, and I hated them since the very first second. The guy was ugly as crap. The girl had the hability to make her husband look handsome. Her face and body were so disgusting I felt bad no just for her but for Spain, Europe and humanity.

Their personality was very Christian, they seemed kind and gently but they were really idiots. Exaggerated laughters at every single stupid thing my father said, really boring anecdotes and really boring lifes.

Christians are too proud of their God, they love him, they would suck his dick all day long if he actually existed. They have the need to talk about how great he is all the time. And this marriage did, they told me about how amazing is God "When the Pope came to Spain the weather was wild, there was a really strong wind and it blew up some roofs, but no one was injured. It was a miracle!" Said the ugliest woman I've seen in years. "It's a miracle you know how to breathe with that fucked up brain of yours" Thought the idiot who's writing this blog.

She said grace after I started eating and she looked upset. In my house, she was upset because I started eating before she thanked some being in the skies for the food my parents were feeding her.

As usual, my father gave them a lot of licor and wine and at some point they got drunk. Then they insisted me in going to the church and they also started telling the worst jokes I have ever heard. If heaven does exist, I don't doubt is a great place, but I'm sure is not a funny one.

I didn't eat much, the meal was fish because Christians can't eat meat in the holy week, which is something that really amazes me. If I was Jesus, I wouldn't give a fuck if they eat some chicken in the holy week, but I guess Jesus is some insecure piece of shit and he gets pissed if they dare to eat some flesh. Since I'm not a big fan of fish, I just stared to infinity waiting for the oportunity to leave the table as soon as possible. They kept talking about the Pope and how cool the guy is. We were five people on that table, me and four Christians, for the things I heard I bet the four of them would suck the Pope's cock very happily, and that's why Christians suck.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Primitive man, thanks

We owe so much to those guys we can’t even imagine. Have you ever seen a documentary about the prehistory? They had to make huge sacrifices to preserve our specie, and I don’t think we are being grateful enough.

Women thousands of years ago were very hairy, I mean, insane eyebrows, beard, hairy legs, arms, armpits… When I take a look at them, they don’t seem to me like people who smelled good. Then they had yellow teeth, or they were just toothless. Having showers weren’t a common thing. They were strong, ugly, aggressive… let’s face it, they were dirty males with vaginas, and our ancestors had to and did in fact bang them. I bet it wasn’t a pleasant thing to do, but they did it because they had balls and because they cared about us.

Now, we are just here with all these gorgeous girls, enjoying how beautiful they are, how good they smell, white teeth, tiny eyebrows, thin, shaved… and I think we should invent already a time machine so we could send some of our beautiful girls to the primitive for their enjoyment, I think they deserve it. It would be a good way of saying: Primitive man, thanks

Monday, March 28, 2011

The Justin Bieber situation

Do you remember when you were 15? Imagine that in that period you start singing, putting your videos singing in the Youtube, people start watching them, a lot of people, and then, at some point, you become the most famous singer in the world. What would be the problem? What’s your fault?

Lately everywhere I go where someone is talking about this Justin Bieber guy, all I can detect is hate, I mean, hate, really hate, and I find that really funny, hilarious.

Someone - Justin Bieber is so fucking gay I hope he dies

Me - Oh, Why’s that?

Someone - Mmm… Justin Bieber is so fucking gay I hope he dies… Don’t tell me you like him? You’ll be a fag if you did!

Me - I just listened to one of his songs, he’s not Beethoven, but tolerable

Then I almost got kicked by that person, a eighty year old woman she was. Other day I was in a bar with some people, Mtv or some bullshit channel like it was on, then our friend Justin appeared, and people started complaining, they were very disgust, they were full of hate. I was really impressed

When I arrived home I googled him, the song I knew of him, had like 500 millions views, that seem to be a lot. I saw the like button; ¾ of the people had voted for dislike. Then I started reading the comments:


Justin Bieber is a gay man who finds the powerful

They want us to see his film they can try and convert us into their sick and twisted belieber cult. Fuck that!


..... I wouldnt see that movie if i got paid 50 bucks

More than 4 million comments, comments fall there like rain here in Galicia (that means a lot) So, is obvious this teenager is just a product, a mark, like Nike, Coca-Cola or whatever shit, he is all over, a lot of promotion, a lot of lovers and maybe more haters, and I just don’t get it. People don’t hate Coca-Cola for being all over the place, have a lot of commercials and even have controversies in countries of the third world where they opened factories. Why do people hate this boy? Honestly, I don’t give a shit, either you love him or hate him I think you’re stupid. He is just a regular adolescent with a regular voice who some company started selling as an Icon, like they always do.

How easy is to hate a boy instead of other things, instead of face your meaningless existence, people is usually more demanding with others than with themselves. If you want to waste your time hating people you don’t know or won’t know, hate the people who sell you the boy, not the boy. Condemn the sin, not the sinner, because maybe, some day, someone with his head twisted will kill the boy, and then we all will be putting our hands on our heads, not the company though, they will keep selling the icon and making a fortune out of the boy, show must go on.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

The village's hero

New York has Spiderman, my village has me. It isn't the first time I save someone's ass around here, and that is why I am the savior and protector of this Galician land.

Being a hero is tough, no joke, a lot of responsability. My first deed came when I was like ten years old, a small cousin fell in the escalators and when he was gonna die I raised him (Maybe he wasn't going to die, but he had fallen)

Then I went for one deed to another until someday in the village where I live there was a great flood. My neighbor's hens were dying drowned inside the death trap their house has became, so, braveheart of me got inside that coop and started looking for hens with water on my hips, a black water, very dense, mixed with feces and death bodies. I didn't rescue any hen, but I got dirty and wet, if that isn't heroic what is it?

I don't know guys, there are so many heroism in my short biography. The other day I was at home, wathing TV or reading a book (maybe watching porn) when someone rang, I answered and I heard this:

- Help! Help! I need help please! HELP!!

I'm used to this kind of calls, I'm the village's hero, so I maintained the calm:

- Who are you? Could you come back in ten minutes? I'm in the middle of something right now...

- I'm the neighbor! I need help please! Please!

Since she was sounding really scared I decided to check things up. I put on my suit (a hen's costume I wore when I was five) and got out. At my door was this sweet 17 year old teenager very scared but at the same time very hopeful expecting that her hero: The chickenman, would save her.

She told me someone was in problems, a gate had fell upon her older sister. I ran to her house and then I saw how her sister was lying in the floor with her mother hugging and protecting her. I cleared the zone, touched the girl's legs and asked her if she felt that, she did feel it, but you can never be prudent enough with these things, so I kept touching her, just the most sensitive places, dismiss any medullary damage is very important.

She seemed to be feeling everyhting, so I took my fingers out of her vagina and asked to her mother what had happened. She told me her doughter was openning the gate when it fell over her, she was stuck for a couple minutes but her other doughter and her could get her out. I told her we should call an ambulance, she agreed on that. I called the ambulance and then we waited, in the cold, it was really cold, my hen's costume isn't the wormest.

Ten minutes later the ambulance arrived and took the poor girl to the hospital, I went back home and had a shower. Another person had been saved by me, by the hero. Living in my village can be boring, but with me here, you'll be always safe.

Grettings, and remember, I can save you one or a hundred times, but is important you take care of yourself, fellow.