Things you should know about the Balkans

I made a trip around the Balkans a couple months ago. I wrote a few posts about it but then my computer decided to host some virus and I lost everything (It wasn't a big lost, just more stupid posts of mine)

The place is great, but tricky, if you are thinking to go there let me give you some tips. These are some things you should know about the Balkans:

1/ They don't like to put paper in the toilets, and if they put it they don't allow to throw it by the toilet, you have to throw it in a trash can (Those trash cans are the most disgusting thing I've seen since my neighbour passed away)

2/ Serbians love Spaniards and hate Americans and Kosovans love Americans and hate Spaniards, only depending in their goverment's politics (Serbians and Kosovans agreed in something: Both hate me)

3/ Dudes love holding hands, kissing and hugging each other... But they are anty gay people (I felt like if I was in the Little Britain's gym locker room in those countries)

4/ Tha taxi drivers are like prostitutes (I guess some things are just the same everywhere)

5/ No matter what age, all women have huge breasts in there (It would be really awesome if wasn't for those poor little girls forced to carry all that weight in their backs)

6/ If you ask to an average Balkan, he will tell you that he speaks six or seven languages when they don't speak shit (Unless knowing how to say thanks and hello makes you a language speaker)

7/ You can put effort on explaining it, but they won't understand why the fuck are you visiting their country (Every single person asked me: - Why are you here? - Just travelling around - No seriously, Why you here?)

8/ Making a reservation in a train is worthless, worse than no making it. If you don't make a reservation you can choose the best sit, if you make a reservation you have to sit aside a broken window getting yourself wet and cold (Trains there are something else, I'll talk about them pretty soon)

9/ If you go to a barber he will do all type of crazy hearcuts in your head before doing what you asked for (And laugh about it)

10/ Gipsies are accepted in their sociaety (They are obviously too backward yet)

Things you do and I know because I do them too

1/ You are not learning German at nights, you just changed the channel hastily when you heard someone was entering the room while watching porn (You should try German porn)

2/ You are not concern about your girl´s bestfriend because she is very promiscuous, you are concern because she is hot and she is not being promiscuous with you (But yeah, keep saying to your girl that you guys need to help her out and put her in the right way)

3/ You don´t wash your hands after peeing unless someone else is in the room witnessing (We have to stop that nonsense)

4/ You are not brushing your teeth with your finger because you forgot your toothbrush, you just couldn´t admit to your workmate that you don´t brush your teeth after eating at work (The question is: Why do workmates always offer their toothpaste to help us to clean our teeth with our disgusting finger?)

5/ Last night´s dinner with your friends didn´t make you homesick, all the alcohol and drugs you had after the dinner did (But don´t worry, your parents or girl always believe you for some reason)

6/ You don´t have a cousin working as a singer at nights, her car didn´t break and you didn´t have to give her a ride home, and of course she doesn´t live near a very isolated park, you just were banging a prostitute in your car (A cousin singing at nights? What the hell is wrong with our excuses dude?)

7/ You don´t bring your laptop to the bathroom because you like to watch movies while you take a dump, you are jerking off with online porn (God bless Wi-Fi right?)

8/ Of course you pee in the shower my friend (All pipes join at one point, so where is the big deal?)

9/ You don´t read book´s forewords because you are lazy (They are boring anyway)

10/ You don´t like to dig holes in the midle of the night, you just murdered your annoying neighbour (Only me?)

Things I did not know

When I lived in my home town and just related with my friends of the neighbourhood, gypsies, bums, Portuguese’s sailors living in their ships, illegal Africans or the other Galician people of the city. I used to think I was a genius, that I knew everything about everything.

But when I started travelling, to meet other styles of life and a lot of different people, I understood I was and I am really ignorant. I was living in a bubble, sadly that happens to a lot of people, the problem is not everybody realizes it and just think they know everything about everything. Just in case you are an ignorant like me. I want to share some knowledge with you that I have learned a bit ago. These are some things that I didn’t know:

1/ Hens don’t need to be fucked by cocks to have eggs, eggs are hen’s menstruation (Living in the country has given me a lot of knowledge hasn’t it?)

2/ The constellations are different depending of the hemisphere you are in. In the hemisphere south they can’t see the Ursa Major or the Usra Minor because they don’t exist in there (So girls, if you go to some country below the equator and some dude starts telling you about the Ursas just know he is full of shit)

3/ Comoros, Djibouti, Marshall Islands, Nauru, Palau, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Tuvalu and Vanuatu are real countries (I think I’m going to them Would you?)

4/ There are independentce movements in Texas, they want their own country (I don’t see what the problem is for the other 49 States)

5/ If you sing or talk to a cow she would give you better milk because that takes away their stress (Watching old women singing and talking to their cows gives me stress)

6/ Writing agressive comments in blogs or newspapers is the best substitute of sex (Masturbation still works though)

7/ There are a level of Gothic people where they go to a cemetery, look for someone’s grave and sleep the night over it to get an advice of that particular person. And they have top graves; some people’s graves are better than others according to them (Don’t ask me why I know that please, but my back is killing me)

8/ There is a place around Siberia where in one mile you are in a day and in the next mile you are one day and 23 hours ahead (I have never understood why we have different times though Why don’t have the same hour in the whole world? I don’t give a shit if my 3am for example is full of sunshine)

9/ The poorest billion people on earth create as much negative environmental impact as the richest billion (The difference is the first billion do it for fun and the second billion to survive)

10/ There are countries where everyone knows who the mafiosos are and everyone knows who the corrupt politicians are but there are no laws to stop them (That is funny for me, and that’s why I’m going to live in Kosovo for awhile)

Things I am ashamed of

Everybody has secrets, everybody is hiding something from his friends, relatives or partners. That is perfectly normal, people are insecure and we need to pretend we are like everybody else even though all of us are different. I have to say I am tired of that. I want to get out the closet and confess my secrets. These are things I am ashamed of:

1/ One day I was at home and they broadcasted Hanna Montana’s movie on my TV. I watched it and even liked it (Almost cried when she sang: The climb in front of her family and fans being just Miley)

2/ I listen to Taylor Swift’s music sometimes (She is very relatable…)

3/ I have to shit in the airports because I get nervous before flying (US airports are the best to shit, but the greatest restrooms have always been in the museums, try it and you’ll find out what real cleanliness is)

4/ I don’t like American Football, I watched at the stadium the match with most scoring in playoff history and I was pretty bored the whole time (The extra time was just a tragedy for me)

5/ I type just using two fingers (I usually do a lot of things using two fingers ladies...)

6/ This blog (Thanks God it is anonymous)

7/ I prefer very bad movies than very good movies because they amuse me more (The guy who made the Sixth sense is gradually becoming my hero)

8/ I prefer black women than whites, I find way more attractive blacks than whites (Black women don’t find me attractive, I don’t fulfil their expectations according to them)

9/ I had to babysit a two year old girl once and she managed me like twenty-year-olds do (She just realized she was smarter than me and used that to her benefit to eat all the ice cream, M&Ms and chocolate she wanted)

10/ I usually use the bidet (That’s the reason why I came back to Spain)

Things uncomfortable for me

I’m under the impression I’m always in uncomfortable situations. Not matter what I do I’m always ending up at weird situations. How should we react when we are uncomfortable? Nobody knows. I personally think the best reaction possible is just being quiet and don’t move hoping it ends. What is an uncomfortable situation for me you may ask? I guess exactly the same than for you. These are things uncomfortable for me:

1/ You are at home watching TV with your parents, everything is normal, you are watching some regular movie just getting sleepy when suddenly, the characters in the screen start kissing, getting naked and making an explicit sexual scene. It won’t last more than a minute or two, but within that period you will wish your instantaneous death (Calm down, this is uncomfortable for average parents too. The discomfort is easier to deal with when is shared)

2/ You are walking at the street with confidence and even cockiness, you see a group of pretty girls and for some reason you think spitting in the floor like a cowboy would make them love you. But you don’t spit well and your spit falls over your clothes and chin too. They watch it and laugh, these seconds you need for disappearing will be the longest ever (I need to train my spitting Damn it!)

3/ You are at the elevator with an unknown, this is uncomfortable by itself. But what do you say about those times for some reason you start laughing, you try stopping but you can’t and even though you try hiding the guffaw you fail and the unknown feels insulted (I can’t use elevators because of that, I think in the weird situation, laugh by myself and get in troubles)

4/ This is very recurrent but common too. You are at the street, you need to pee and you look for an isolated corner and go there. While you are peeing a grandma walks by with her grandchildren. What an awful feeling, is like if the time was stopped (Probably the grandma will criticize you out laud and make you feel even worse)

5/ You are at a familiar thing, there are some kids around. You are sitting at a table with the rest of relatives. One little cousin is playing with you and at some point without realising it because she is only five or whatever, she puts her hand in your genital’s zone. She leans in that particular part of your anatomy, you try to move her away carefully because you don’t want to be rude. You take her hand with yours, when you have your hand over hers and her hand is over your genital’s zone. You raise your head and see her father watching it with an angry gesture (Coldest sweat in history)

6/ You are alone at home, you decide is a good moment for jerking off a little bit. You start pumping on it. You finish, you look up and see a Hail Mary little statue which wasn’t there before and which means your grandaunt who happens to be your neighbour too have just entered, left it there and walked away (Why knocking the door when you are family right?)

7/ You are hanging out with friends, with relatives or in a plane or train with unknowns. Then some mystery force comes from a more mysterious source and with any sexual stimulus you get a boner. A difficult one to hide, you try to focus and make it go away, but it doesn’t go, just stays there making you really uncomfortable (I only know one way to make it go and it isn’t uncomfortable at all)

8/ You go to a public bathroom, you get in a booth but it smells really bad. You try to do your thing but you just can’t because of the smell and dirtiness. You get out the booth, someone was waiting, that someone enters in the booth and gives you a recriminatory look. You take the blame of something you are not responsible for and that sucks (Blame me if I shit in there. Don’t blame me if I’m just a victim like you asshole!)

9/ More public toilets, this is the territory of discomfort for excellence. You go to a bathroom inside the office where someone is working. You seat down on the toilet and start farting very hard while making strength to unload. The worst thing is knowing you’ll have to come out sometime (Work in an office with a toilet where your co-workers go shitting is very uncomfortable too. A good friend of mine was suffering that for a couple years already he didn’t take it very well. I hope he is resting in peace)

10/ You went out for jogging, biking or any else exercise. The thing is that you got very tired, you are sweating a lot, and you can’t even move and talk. Then someone taps your back. It’s some girl you like who you don’t have too confident with yet. She begins a conversation but you’re shaking, sweating and you can’t talk coherently. She ends up going away disgusted by you (Exercising is always an unhealthy thing to do despite what people can say)

Things I don´t get

I’m weird, that’s pretty clear if you read my stories. But I’m a weird guy who likes rational things, and sadly I’m always witnessing irrational behaviours in people who disrespect weird people. They go around thinking they are normal, they are okay, that the people who don’t act like them are crazy. But then they do things such as the ones I’m going to share with you. These are some things I don’t get:

1/ They are very normal, very logic. I’m the crazy guy because I opened an umbrella inside my house. Of course the normal thing to do is get really mad at me and worry a lot because it gives a lot of bad luck (I don’t know if this happens in other countries, and I don’t know either if anybody else thinks opening an umbrella inside a house is really funny too)

2/ I was just a little boy, seven years old I guess. I was about to play the final of a soccer cup in my home town. When we entered in the field they had the cup over a table in there waiting, I saw it and thought it would be nice touching it a little bit because you know, it was lying in there, but that was a crazy thing to do. The normal thing to do was telling off a seven year old for touching a cup because it gives very bad luck (We won and I played pretty bad, that means touching the cup gave me good luck, I usually played really awful. In the celebration I fell down and got myself a black-eyed though)

3/ I’m odd because I like talking about UFOs, ghosts, CIA conspiracy or wolf men, that’s the crazy thing to do. Normal sane people don’t just like talking about some guy two thousands years ago healing blinds, dying and reviving, going to the heaven, that’s a place where human beings who died go to hang out forever, they even believe it (Who needs help here?)

4/ I’m nuts because after spending a few years of my life going out every night and end up a little unbalanced because of drugs I decided to stop that for writing stories and travelling around. When everybody knows the normal thing to do is keep going out every night to still being a cool guy (Junkies street cleaners are the coolest guys according to them)

5/ I’m insane because I run away of serious relationships with women I don’t really like or love and vice versa. When everybody knows the normal and logic thing to do is getting involved in a relationship with the first person you can tolerate just to not being alone (That’s probably the reason why I’m so unhappy when all the couples are so happy)

6/ I’m unstable because I like to get in a train and go wherever it takes me, because when I travel to a city I’ve never been I don’t buy a guide of the place and go around seeing the most famous monuments, churches and museums. I just walk around, grab some beers and talk with the natives, and that is crazy. The normal thing to do when you travel is preparing the trip for a whole year and then going to every single place in the city’s guide and just relate with the tourist guides and other tourists for a week (I’ve been in the city and I missed the Rockefeller centre. I must commit suicide!)

7/ I’m bizarre because I started writing a blog where I talk about some experiences I had and other nonsense. When the rational thing to do is writing a blog talking about your children, cats or both. Or reading blogs that talk about nonsense or about the writer’s cat and children (Do you know any shrink please?)

8/ I’m crazy because I don’t have Twitter, Facebook, Myspace and those things. I need help because I’m not interested on using them when the logic thing to do is writing your personal daily experiences in the web under your whole personal information to share it with your friends and a bunch of people you don’t know and you probably won’t (Is so enriching get to talk with those ex-girlfriends, friends, class mates, teachers, unknowns… Why am I wasting my life like this?)

9/ I’m definitive mad because I through away my self phone two years ago, I’m living in 2010 and I don’t have a mobile anymore! I’m missing so much those daily conversations with people I don’t want to talk to, those messages saying nothing, that fucking vibration in my pocket, those inappropriate interruptions when I was doing something I liked, that habit of checking every minute if someone had called, those girls that took my phone behind my back and just doing that got to know how phony I was with them (I need my life back!)

10/ I’m at a mental hospital’s doors because I’ve never used a watch. I go along with my live without a watch! Oh my Gosh! When I want to know the time I have to approach another human being and asking him the time. Why me Lord? Why me? Of course the normal thing to do is spending half of your salary on a Rolex even though you probably don’t even know how to read the clock’s hands (Don’t wear a watch is crazy too because in the streets, cars or buildings it’s impossible to find something that tells you the time, that is some difficult information to get)

Things I don´t do

There are some things people do and I don’t. I don’t know if everybody really does those things or just pretends to like myself, let’s check it out:

1/ On my birthdays with the candles and the cake, everybody around me forces me to make a wish when I blow the candles but I don’t do it. I just pretend to make a wish, when they ask me what I wished for I just tell them that if you say it, the wish won’t come true. That stupid excuse works perfectly (I wish I could fake the blowing the candles part too)

2/ When I find someone I know on the street or wherever I don’t get happy, it doesn’t excite me at all. But since everybody looks so excited and happy to find me on the street or wherever I have to pretend to be happy and excited (We are just two human beings who happen to know each other from the past and who happened upon each other )

3/ Sometimes I find myself in situations where everybody starts singing: birthday parties, family reunions, hanging out with friends, satanic meetings... I don’t sing, I just pretend to be singing, moving my lips and sometimes nodding my head too (I usually don’t even know the lyrics)

4/ I went to church a lot when I was a boy, in there everybody is praying, sitting down, standing up or on their knees. I didn’t pray, I just pretended to be praying, closing my eyes with strength and making a hopeful gesture while thinking about my own stuff (I bet God fakes that He is listening too)

5/ When I’m lost in my car and I ask someone for directions, I don’t pay any attention. I just pretend to be listening while nodding my head hoping the explanation ends (I usually get the first phrase, follow that indication and then ask again to another person)

6/ I don’t wash my hands after peeing, I have my cock clean and I don’t touch the toilet or the pee with my hands, but if I’m in a public restroom and someone is in there I have to wet my hands pretending that this is what I usually do (Ok, maybe I’m a pig, but what do you say about that useless hands driers they have in the public bathrooms How do they expect we get our hands dry?)

7/ When I’m playing soccer and I score a goal I don’t get excited, everybody else acts as if they have just won the lottery but I just walk to my position again shaking hands with my team mates (I don’t see the big deal of putting a stinking ball inside a stupid goal in a shameful soccer game with loser players like myself)

8/ When a kid plays chess, basketball or whatever his parents force him to do with me, I don’t let him win. And I don’t fake being impressed of untalented boys gifts when their parents force them to show me (parents should beware of their kids limits, that’s my contribution to humanity)

9/ When I’m in the bed with a woman and something goes wrong I don’t pretend to be surprised and apoligize(I’m here to be pleased not to please)

10/ When I have to go to a funeral of someone I hardly knew I’m not sad at all. I just pretend to be sad in front of everybody but when I can have a private moment with someone who has my confidence, I make dark jokes and we laugh (You can make dark jokes at my funeral if you want I won’t give a shit then)