Thursday, August 19, 2010

Ways of hurting myself

As a matter of fact I am stupid. I always choose the wrong ways of behaving and I suffer it physically. These are some ways of hurting myself:

1/ I was going to take a plane. They gave me the ticket in the check-in desk, then I had to put my passport back in my backpack, to do so, I had to hold the ticket with my mouth. And then, when I put the passport in its place and I wanted to take the ticket off my mouth, I found out the ticket was stuck in my lip. I tried to take it off but couldn't, it wasn't coming off. Finally, after a few tough seconds I decided to pull very hard and it came off. But my lip started bleeding (I did not find it funny, people around did)

2/ I was going to sleep. I dropped myself on my bed very tired and my head crashed with the wall (I had a rough time to falling sleep that night)

3/ Someone told me: - Do not touch that, it is very hot. I touched that and got burned (Not the only want right?)

4/ I went to the movies to watch "Stardust" (I'm still recovering from the damages)

5/ I tried to impress a group of females by jumping from I high bridge to the sea (It came I did not have the skills to impress them or jumping)

6/ Someone told me: - If you don't know how to use a skate you should not go down there. I went down there and even more down than down there (Lot of wounds from this particularly one)

7/ For some reason I thought going through the stairs skipping two steps every step was a fun thing to do (I was mistaken)

8/ I had sunblock. I just thought I was to cool to put sunblock on. I got sunburned in several places (I looked like a disgusting fucking English or German in Marbella for a couple weeks)

9/ It seems like is very difficult for me to put my penis through the pant's zipper to pee (understand what you want)

10/ I am so lazy I wanted to cut my nails so short so they would last to grow and I wouldn't have to cut them again soon. Not my best idea (Did you know you can bleed by your nails?)

Friday, August 13, 2010

Reactions to taking a photo to a demanding couple

I miss the past. Earth is turning on too fast. Do you remember ten years ago when people just go out with a wallet and keys? Now everything has changed, today we are some kind of videogame’s character going around full of items. I don’t know in America, but here in Spain most of guys are using purses (They call them big wallets, but believe me, they are purses)

I go around and all I see is people manipulating their cell phones, I go to a concert and all I see is people taping the concert. You are already watching it! Why the fuck do you need to tape it? Enjoy it bitch! (If you can enjoy Spanish singers…) I think people don’t live anymore, they tape life to watch it at home, to show it. They need to show, we have to prove everything in this edge:

- Have you been in the concert last night?

- Yes, I have

- If that’s true prove it! Show me you were there! Where is your video mother fucking liar?!

I watch on TV a journalist with his camera and his microphone in the street and all I see is people behind him taping him… Why do you guys do that? They have a better camera, a pro camera. If you want the video watch it in your TV, don’t tape his back with your disgusting cheap mobile.

When I was a boy if I watched myself in a TV I would freak out. That was cool, if I went to a mall and there were those cameras taping everything connected to a monitor I would spend the whole day putting faces and being on air… But now, for today kids being on TV is as normal as breathing. Everything is taped, their whole life is taped, being on TV is not a big deal, you don’t see kids putting faces to mall’s cameras anymore. And that is very sad.

And finally, approaching to today’s point. Do you remember when couples used to ask you to take them a photo, you take the photo, they say thank you, you say you are welcome, they say goodbye, and you leave? That was life uh? Now this is completely impossible, everybody must be an almost professional photographer. I swear when I had to take a photo to someone I always did my best. But since they were those cameras you had to wait a couple days to see your photos whether I did it well or wrong it didn’t matter… How I miss those cameras!

Now when someone asks you to take a photo is like a surprise exam. You know you have to do it well, because that someone is going to check in his camera your work, and more than this: He is going to mark you, you are going to pass or fail. Indifference is not an option.

So, there I was, in a pretty touristic Galician place, beautiful Celts historical remains. A thirty year old couple approached me and asked me if I could take them a photo, I said yes. They hugged, showed me their love stills alive and I took the photo. Then I gave them back their digital camera and thought I was done. I was mistaken. This is what happened:

I give them back the camera and start walking away. The probably not good fucked girlfriend sees my picture in her camera. Her face says she doesn’t like it. She shows it to her probably tiny dick boyfriend and his face says he doesn’t like it. He calls me. I turn:

Boyfriend: Excuse me sir… Could you take us another picture please? This one seems to be a little bit moved…

Me: Oh, I’m sorry… Thought it was okay… Sure I can, give it to me

Girlfriend: Thank you a lot… It was pretty moved though

I take the camera. They pose showing me their love again. I put effort on my work: I assure myself they are in the centre of the picture, that behind them is the Celt’s stuff, that some sky is in the target too… In resume, I take and awesome photo. I give the camera back to the man this time. He sees the picture. His face says he doesn’t know what to think. He shows his girlfriend. Her face says she doesn’t like it.

Girlfriend: This one is moved as well honey…

Me: Is it?

Boyfriend: Yeah man, sorry… You have to be careful, this camera is very sensitive, try again please

Me: Ok, give it to me

I take the camera. I put a lot of effort this time. More effort than I put in anything in my whole life. Couple in the middle, hugged as always, smiling as always, sky on top, Celt’s stuff behind, even I recall a fucking bird around. I take one of the best pictures ever taken. The boyfriend comes to me as soon as I finished and he takes the camera off my hands. He sees the picture. His face is unreadable. He shows his girlfriend. Her face says she is pissed.

Girlfriend: Is this a joke?

Me: Excuse me?

Girlfriend: This picture is awful, just awful… Honey, are you seeing this? It’s awful…

Me: Are you sure? It seemed perfectly fine to me

Boyfriend: Bub, this picture is fucked up… Have a look

He gives me the camera back. I see the picture I just took. It looks like a perfectly normal picture, not moved, centered, both are with a nice gesture, it is great photo.

Me: What seems to be the problem? I find this picture really cool

Girlfriend laughs cynically being insulted. She looks to her boyfriend looking for male protection.

Boyfriend: Take us another one and let’s get over it already

Me: Okay…

Once again I put a lot of effort in the thing. I take care of every little detail and then I push the button. I look the picture carefully before give the camera back. The photo is good. I give the camera to the girlfriend expecting a thank you and a good bye. She sees the picture with an angry look. She looks at me very mad.

Girlfriend: You are enjoying this aren’t you? Is this how you have fun around this place? Honey! Look at this crap!

The boyfriend sees the picture. He and I know the photo is perfectly fine but since he is a short dick piece of shit without personality he pretends he is mad at me.

Boyfriend: Is that difficult for you to take a properly picture pal? Are you seven years old?

Me: I’m sorry I’m not a professional photographer… I think all the pictures I took are perfectly fine though

Girlfriend: Your pictures are shit and you know it (And yes, here the girlfriend crossed the line that divides me in a good and a bad person)

Me: Are they shit uh?

Girlfriend: Worst piece of shit pictures I’ve ever seen

Me: Okay… Brad and Angie… I did my best, but maybe the material I’m working with is weak Didn’t you think in that possibility? That maybe the pictures are awful because you guys are an ugly couple, a really ugly couple… And of course, it’s very difficult to take a good picture to a pregnant woman…

Girlfriend: I am not… How dare are you scumbag?

Me: I’m sorry you are a two. One point for each breast, that’s the only thing that saves you. For the rest, you have a really fat ass, huge ass, fat tummy, you are actually fatty everywhere… Your face is ugly, big nose, bad made up, your eyebrows are gone Why fatties like you always take away the eyebrows? Do you really think that makes you look thinner? You are wrong! (She wasn’t that fat, she actually was a five or a six, the classic woman a little bit overweighed with great teats and a cute face, but you know, I was pissed)

The girlfriend looks to her boyfriend expecting a defense. The boyfriend tries to defend his girlfriend. I get ready to run because the boyfriend can easily beat me.

Boyfriend: You are a piece of shit, even more than your fucking pictures! Do you have mirrors at home? Because you are the ugliest bastard here

Me: Does it mean I have a chance with your girl then? Because she is clearly into ugly dudes… Your nose is huge and disgusting, I can see hairs coming out of it and that repulses me. You are bald, with huge eyebrows… Did she lend you hers or what?

The boyfriend gets aggressive and his girlfriend holds him.

Girlfriend: Let’s go honey, he doesn’t worth our time, he worth a shit.

They leave and I go back to the people I was with. They ask me where I was. I tell them my story. They laugh at me and make fun of me. I think I reacted like and idiot. These are better reactions to taking a photo to an exigent couple:

1/ Be patient and keep taking them photos until they were satisfied (Let’s be honest, my photos stunk)

2/ Explain to them I’m doing my best and that they can not be so demanding with random photographers like myself (What was all that shit about? What did they expect? A fucking Marie Claire cover?)

3/ Ask to another person to take them the bloody photo (Don’t let him go until I found the photo really good taken)

4/ Approach the woman while she was mad, give her a really wet kiss and run away (I liked her)

5/Take just photos of the woman’s breast (That’s pretty much what I did)

6/ Run away with their camera and never go back (I need to practise my photo’s skills)

7/ Smash the camera into pieces in front of their demanding faces (Complain about the low quality of their disgusting fucking camera)

8/ Through the camera to their faces causing them bleeding wounds (Their huge noses would have stopped the hit without problems. There are a lot of couples with huge noses don’t you think? I just leave it there)

9/ Take photos of my cock while they were looking to the other way (Then they will know what a good picture is)

10/ Take a Celtic’s sword and decapitate them. Then set their heads and their bodies according to my taste and take a great professional photo (Would have been funny putting her head over his body and vice versa)

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Reasons why I burned my head

Well, yeah, my head is sunburned, and it sucks and hurts. I am not bald, yet at least, but I am suffering a bald discomfort. So, why would someone with plenty of hair on his head burn his head? Answer: With bad luck mixed with stupidity.

I live in the country, really in the country, where I live there are only houses, old people and old animals, we don’t have shops, or any stores at all. There is a small village like five miles from here, there are some shops and stores, but it still is the country. When I lived in my home town, even though it was a small town, I had almost everything, a lot of stores, a lot of people, buildings, drugs… It was good.

When I came to this place, I had to look for everything again, a new bakery, a new grocery, a new barber shop, new friends, new prostitutes, new drug dealers, new satanic groups, new kids to be molested… It was like hell at the beginning, but thank God I found almost everything at the end.

The barber I found was actually more like a beauty salon, it claimed to be unisex and the name was the name of the hair dresser, so everything was great: A woman cutting my hair, giving me amazing massages at the end, charging me less than I was used to. In that place I was the funny bohemian guy who went there once a month to cut his hair and have fun (Okay, there is a possibility where I was the guy who thought he was funny and bohemian, but was actually annoying and missing a tooth, and instead of cutting his hair and having fun I was cutting my hair and inconveniencing everybody)

My problem arrived when I had this conversation with my barber-hairdresser: (I don’t have to translate this time, every single barber or hairdresser in Spain speaks fluent English)

Hairdresser: You are not going to believe this

Me: Damn. Because of the massages you gave me you are now pregnant and want me to marry you

Hairdresser: Mmmm… What did we tell you about saying weird things in this store? Didn’t you read our new policy dedicated specially for you?

Me: Come on Susi, that was funny… hehe

Hairdresser: It wasn’t funny at all as always, and it was offensive as always… And please, stop calling me that. My name is not Susi jackass! (I had a lot of fun in my barber shop, I loved it)

Me: I have a lot of fun in this barber shop, I love it

Hairdresser: You know we are “very” glad about that… Point was, we are closing this store and opening another in this same street, it is going to be bigger and different, you are going to love it

Me: Are you closing? What the heck Susi? I thought we had a deal

Hairdresser: No we didn’t, stop saying that please

Me: How is going to be the new store like?

Hairdresser: It is going to be bigger than this one, better than this one. And it is going to be really awesome, you will see

Me: (At this point I saw that my hair was already cut) Ok, I’m glad, it seems like my next hair cut will be in the new store… I think I’m done for today Would you finish me off already?

Hairdresser: You’ll have to stop talking like that while giving me suggestive-disgusting looks if you want to be allowed in my new store

Me: (I got up and prepared to leave) Well, see you soon then…

Hairdresser: By the way, my new beauty salon will be called: Barbie’s salon. Bye

Believe it or not, I have dignity. I can cut my hair in a unisex but actually woman’s beauty salon and I have for a couple of years. But I can not cut my hair in a place named: Barbie’s salon. I am not a Barbie, no one where I live is even close to being a Barbie. I don’t know why they are using that fucking name. So, since I run off of hair’s cutters. I thought my best solution was to skin my head. And that is what I did. I shaved my head. Then I went out with the sun and I sunburned my head.

So, right now I am an idiot with his head red, without hair and a barber shop. I swear this is what happened, but just in case you don’t believe me. These are other reasons why I burned my head:

1/ I am actually a 23 year old bald guy missing a tooth and with wounds in his tongue (Are you girls looking for a summer love?)

2/ I had really long hair and some guys from the village thought it would be funny to set it on fire (I made a lot of good friends around here, it was funny though, for them…)

3/ I shouldn’t have performed cunnilingus on her (I’m allergic to vaginas fluids, they burn my skin and make my balls itchy)

4/ I hit a light by mistake, burning my head and making a fool of myself (In this case, hitting the light and making a fool of my self was not related)

5/ Because of the fucking maid I started working as a yogis and I am still very much a rookie (By the way, I need a new assistant)

6/ I thought setting fire to myself was the least boring thing to do in the country (I was right)

7/ I have a crush on a girl working at intensive care at the hospital (She is still not interested in me and I’m running out of places to burn in my body)

8/ The only reader of this blog found me and took his revenge (This entry is my revenge to his revenge)

9/ I can not afford to buy a hat, which is why I made an account on adsense (I have 14 cents already!)

10/ I am an idiot who thought he was too cool to put sun block on his head and now he is fucked up (Fuck my life)