Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Fear of the third "what"

Have you ever thought about how many wars, fights, misunderstandings or tragedies could have been avoided if we weren´t afraid of the third what?

And usually is not the recipient´s fault, some people just speak in very low voice, and when you use your first what, they repeat the sentence in the same very low voice, not giving you other chance than burn your second what, but then they repeat it again in low voice and the misunderstandings appear.

If you have confident with the speaker you can yell at him or make a joke so he starts talking higher, but when you don´t have any confident with the speaker at all, you are afraid to death to say "what?" for the third time in a row, some people is even afraid of the second what, but they are pussies.

This is happening today, in your neighbourhood, in your town, right now:

Gentleman: (in low voice) ... and then you have to press the red button so it won´t explote and none of us will die in case of a nuclear fission

Coward: (did not understand) Excuse me... What was that again?

Gentleman: (same low voice) Yeah, I was saying that you have to press the red button so the power station won´t explote and none of us will get killed in case of a nuclear fission

Coward: (did not understand again) What?

Gentleman: (with a tiny higher voice) In case of an emergency refired to a fission always press the red button because if you don´t do it everybody of us will die

Coward: (did not understand yet) Ah... of course, of course, got it...

Consecuence of the cowardice: Everybody will die

I know what you are thinking, and yes, of course everybody knows perfectly that in case of a nuclear fission you always have to press the red button, It just was a metaphor. (Well, I don´t know exactly what a fission is, but it sounds bad doesn´t it?)

My advice is simple, if you have to ask more than two times do it, you are not alone, the third "what" is there to be used, it is there for you, don´t be afraid, don´t let us die.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Things I did not know

When I lived in my home town and just related with my friends of the neighbourhood, gypsies, bums, Portuguese’s sailors living in their ships, illegal Africans or the other Galician people of the city. I used to think I was a genius, that I knew everything about everything.

But when I started travelling, to meet other styles of life and a lot of different people, I understood I was and I am really ignorant. I was living in a bubble, sadly that happens to a lot of people, the problem is not everybody realizes it and just think they know everything about everything. Just in case you are an ignorant like me. I want to share some knowledge with you that I have learned a bit ago. These are some things that I didn’t know:

1/ Hens don’t need to be fucked by cocks to have eggs, eggs are hen’s menstruation (Living in the country has given me a lot of knowledge hasn’t it?)

2/ The constellations are different depending of the hemisphere you are in. In the hemisphere south they can’t see the Ursa Major or the Usra Minor because they don’t exist in there (So girls, if you go to some country below the equator and some dude starts telling you about the Ursas just know he is full of shit)

3/ Comoros, Djibouti, Marshall Islands, Nauru, Palau, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Tuvalu and Vanuatu are real countries (I think I’m going to them Would you?)

4/ There are independentce movements in Texas, they want their own country (I don’t see what the problem is for the other 49 States)

5/ If you sing or talk to a cow she would give you better milk because that takes away their stress (Watching old women singing and talking to their cows gives me stress)

6/ Writing agressive comments in blogs or newspapers is the best substitute of sex (Masturbation still works though)

7/ There are a level of Gothic people where they go to a cemetery, look for someone’s grave and sleep the night over it to get an advice of that particular person. And they have top graves; some people’s graves are better than others according to them (Don’t ask me why I know that please, but my back is killing me)

8/ There is a place around Siberia where in one mile you are in a day and in the next mile you are one day and 23 hours ahead (I have never understood why we have different times though Why don’t have the same hour in the whole world? I don’t give a shit if my 3am for example is full of sunshine)

9/ The poorest billion people on earth create as much negative environmental impact as the richest billion (The difference is the first billion do it for fun and the second billion to survive)

10/ There are countries where everyone knows who the mafiosos are and everyone knows who the corrupt politicians are but there are no laws to stop them (That is funny for me, and that’s why I’m going to live in Kosovo for awhile)

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Reasons why you are reading this

I´m sorry I interrupted your busy day. Since I started putting comments in newspapers webs to bring people here I´m finding out a lot of things. A lot of people follow stupid comments, and even more worrying: A lot of people read the comments in the newspapers webs. Really? I have a sad existence, but dude, go to the comments, read them, follow them, reply them and even get involve in discussions? That´s sad (Yeah, sure, they should write a lame blog nobody reads or likes and spend 30 minutes per day putting spams, that is not sad)

At this point I should explain what is this blog about. We have 4 types of posts:

Ways/ This type talks about ways of doing things and ways of dealing with miseries and weird situations. For example, one is about how to say No to going to a mass.

Things/ This kind is the worst, it talks about different things that I like, hate or whatever the drugs make me write.

Reasons/ Well, you are in one of those right now. I explain things I do or witness, I don´t know why yet.

Reactions/ I use these ones to redeem myself of stupid reactions to stupid situations that I usually live. I´m awful at reactions.

Then we also have some entries of such thing as an Alter Ego. Some dude sends me entries sometimes, I find that interesting, funny and worrying, so I add some tips inside brackets and then post them.

And that is pretty much it. I am not selling you anything, I´m just giving you the oportunity of choosing. I have shown you the existence of this blog, now you choose if you stay or leave. And yes, I write like a retarded, that is why I´m a retarded and from Spain. So yes, you have been reading something written by a fucking Spaniard. I´m sorry for you, but relax, is not completly your fault, your life may be good after all. These are the reasons why you are reading this:

1/ You are a kind person who spends his time reading blogs all over the internet because you think real writers are overrated. You like to help and impruve the skills of new anonymous writers by leaving instructive comments on their posts (You need to get a life sucker)

2/ You are learning English and you are basically reading everything you find in this language (Keep searching then)

3/ You were just reading the news in the NY post and for some reason you went down to the comments, you followed one and ended up here reading this (You have to stop following random comments dude, look at you now. How could you get over this awful experience?)

4/ You are my mom (Hi mom, How are you?)

5/ You always go wherever the comments in the news send you (If I did that I would be surrounded by feeces)

6/ You are one of my ex-girlfriends tracking me out in the internet (Wow, you must be really ugly then)

7/You are a crazy human being full of hate and you like going through people blogs and leave agressive comments to feel better (I guess there is two of us now, I love that shit)

8/ You are in prison and the gardian punished you (My humble advice: Go back to the showers)

9/ You are a completly idiot who doesn´t have very much to do with his life (You should write a blog)

10/ You are a cop investigating me for pederast after someone told you about the things I say in this blog (I swear he seemed to like it)

Ways of reaching salvation

If you have been reading any of my blogs at this point you probably already realize that I’m a complete idiot. But please don’t confuse this clearly obvious fact with a lack of self-esteem on my part.

The reality is that I have above average insight into my own stupidity, which makes me actually a pretty unique individual. Trust me, I see stupidity around me on a daily basis on people that simply don’t see it in themselves. They live in this kind of delusional state in which they see themselves almost on the same pedestal as the imaginary God they worship.

So since we are on this topic, let’s talk about God for a little while. I’m starting to get to an age where I can no longer afford to ignore religion anymore. If you have read any of my previous entries, you probably realize too that I might not have much longer to live. My own stupidity is likely to do me in sooner or later. Whether it is drowning myself accidentally while trying to drink a glass of water too fast, or simply forgetting to wake up one morning, I’m starting to feel some existential anxiety about what is going to happen to me once I die.

For this reason I entered a journey of discovery to find the one true religion before it is too late. The last thing that I want to do is to miss out on some grand price after death just because of ignorance and stupidity. Heck, if I’m not getting laid in life, I might as well hope for seventy-two virgins waiting for me once I move to the other side. With my luck, that is exactly what is going to happen, I will choose wrong and then be stuck watching how some other lucky dog fools around with the virgins.

But what if there is a good reason those seventy-two ladies are virgins? Or what if during my mid life crisis I decide I’m gay, will I get seventy-two dudes? These are really hard questions to answer. So for the sake of argument, let’s just say that Islam is a bunch of crap and Christianity is the real one? I can just picture myself in front of God asking him for the seventy-two virgins, begging to access heaven to see if they are waiting for me there. If God actually reads my blogs I might as well head straight to hell without talking to him. But then I wonder, what if the true religion is some kind of obscure religion developed in some remote village in Asia? I’m too lazy to actually do any research in this area, it is like a sinister lottery the way I see it.

You have dozens of religions to pick from, and all of them are completely nonsense except for one, but which one? Should I become a Mormon, sometimes I wonder, that Joseph Smith guy just sounds like a really cool dude, one of us really, and I could go for the whole polygamy thing too, so maybe I should become a fundamentalist Mormon. Or maybe scientology is the way to go. It is pretty cool to think that my spirit could be immortal, or pretty scary if you consider that I might just keep writing this blog for all eternity…

To be honest, I think I’m doomed whatever I do. With my luck, the chances that I will pick the right religion to follow are closed to zero, which means that it is highly likely that I would end up following some type of nonsensensical religion to begin with. But now that I think about it, there is even a more disturbing possibility out there. What if the true religion is yet to be discovered? Really, more than a true religion what human kind is searching for is a satisfying explanation about the origin of life and its purpose.

If we look at it this way, hasn’t science long past religion as a more sensible explanation for some aspects of our existence? The theory of evolution might or might not be true, but it surely makes more sense and has more scientific support than any alternative explanation at this point. So for now, I think this lazy idiot is just going to wait for science to do all the work for me, and you should pray that my spirit is not eternal because I might just keep writing nonsense for eternity.

Eternity sounds like a long, long time, too much for my taste. Could I wait for science to do my work while petting my balls on and on just waiting for death? Well, yeah, maybe... I can, but that is just because I am really lazy. The truth is I am so lazy that I only have sex during earthquakes (yeah, you wish)

The thing is that I write this blog for you, not for me (once again... yeah, you wish) I really care about you, whoever is reading this lame crap. Let´s be honest, my soul has sailed, I’m already fucked, but you, you my friend, you still have time, you can still be saved, and that’s the reason why I made some research just for you. Here are some foolproof ways of reaching salvation:

1/ Get into Christianity. Study about the hippy Jew. Eat his flesh. Sing his songs. Pray his prayers. Give him money to light some candles, get new bibles and more comfortable sits in church, perhaps better wine. Give them some more money to feed priests, nuns, monks, archbishops, abbots, abbes, cardinals, popes and basically all of Vatican’s population and some more religious workers we don’t even know exist. Sure, they will make you feel guilty about being alive, remind you at every step of all your sins, real or imagined, past or present (how the fuck is it my fault that Adam ate the damn apple?), but if you find the right priest he might offer you salvation (if you suck hard enough).

2/Fuck gentiles and join the only real religion. Judeism of course... They are rich, they have lots of money, savings in the bank and they even... well... some of them are actually quite funny, mostly because they make fun of themselves... Ok, let’s face it, the odds of Judaism leading to salvation are quite long, but who cares if you go out in style (like by hitting your head against the wall a tad to strongly).

3/ You can always embrace Islam. I honestly think this is the most committed religion. It is a religion of peace if you are not an infidel, in which case you deserve to be beheaded. I find such passion very appealing, there are no halfway measures here, you live life to the fullest, and then death brings an eternity of orgasmic pleasures (How long do you think it takes to give it to all seventy-two virgins? I’m guessing about 48 hours, tops, not trying to brag, I made the math. Every male and lesbian should strongly consider this religion).

4/Sign in for Hinduism and discover a brand new world of craziness. There are a lot of types, but the most important thing you should know is they have reencarnation. If you want to reborn as a different person this is your religion (Budism would be my favorite brand, except for the fact that I could only be reborn as an inferior being, there is no way but down for me, so not very appealing…)

5/ Confucianism and Taoism. Don’t choose these ones, they are bullshit, they would respect too much your opinion, your life style, other religions... The true religion can’t be so soft, you need some blood on your hands to have any real chance at Salvation (anything less is just a lack of commitment).

6/ Then you’d have a lot of different folk religions around the world, impossible choosing one, not just because they are so many but because they are completely insane (And let’s be honest, God doesn’t seem to care too much about them, just take a look at your friends the Native Americans)

7/ Mormonism, I personally love this one. Some yank thought one day that he didn’t like Christianity and decided to extract his own religion from it adding some smart things like poligamy, tough taxes, and traveling missions. It is hard not to root for Mormonism as the true religion (unless you are not American, of course, and then you probably think those people are just smoking crack).

8/ Scientology can be a safe call. No one could believe such an insane thing if it wasn’t true. And it is one of the most expensive if not the most, which clearly serves as proof of its veracity. You won’t get into Heaven for free pal, so you better start saving if you want to save your soul (they really one upped the Mormons on this one, this is American capitalism at its best).

9/You can always join homosexualism. They have great fun outfits, they make cool parades, they have good jobs, they are good looking, they are more everyday, and even though they walk weird and they have some disgusting and painful rituals they seem to be happy (What? It is not a religion? Damn, I shouldn’t have made that deep research of this topic I guess)

10/ Forget about everything and just join a sect, but not just any sect, join the reptilians, they are awesome. They believe in cloning themselves and then put their memories inside the clones, they think they are extraterrestrials, and the greatest thing, they thing that the people that lead our world are reptiles undercover manipulating us in order to exterminate us or whatever (David Icke is the man! You won’t reach salvation, but you are going to have a lot of fun trying to unmask all these reptiles like Obama, Queen of England or Kris Kristofferson)

After deep thought, I have made my decision, but I won’t try to poison your mind or influence your decision by offering it to you. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be saved, my reasoning is fool proof, and I think you might have a good chance at salvation as well, just have faith my friend.