Sunday, May 30, 2010

Reasons why I´m still writing this blog

Nobody but some weird guy is reading my blog so far. That’s a fact, you can check it. Nobody is reading this master piece I like to call it my blog. Of course this is something I expected from the beginning. I’m talentless. I’m not funny. I just make jokes about sex and racism due to my absence of creativity and of course my English is nothing but awful. My experiences stink and my way of telling them make them even worse.

So…Why would someone in his mind keep writing a bad blog that nobody is reading, you may ask? To be honest I don’t think I’m completely in my mind I may respond. But the only truth is that I still writing this secret private blog nobody bother to read. These are some reasons why I still writing this blog:

1/ I live in a small isolated village full of chickens, goats, cows and old people without women or any else distraction and I don’t have much to do but writing (Sure you do)

2/ I need to keep improving my English so I have to keep writing this blog (I’m not writing shit, my American cousin is doing everything for me)

3/ I keep writing it because I’m amusing myself (That’s my way of understanding life, do everything for and by myself)

4/ I wanted to quit, but since I have one follower I decided that he owes my loyalty and I should keep writing for him (Have only a follower scares the hell out of me. Stop following me you weird mother fucker!)

5/ My psychologist, my psychiatry and my fortune-teller concord that keep writing my miseries is the best I can do right now (Not that bizarre since they are the same person)

6/ Writing is better than stare at goats (Writing while staring at goats is better than writing or staring at goats)

7/ Writing this blog is the closest thing to sex I’m having (Yes…)

8/ I have to keep writing or I will end up fucking farm’s animals again (Rabbits are the best, chickens passable, avoid goats, cows or horses… They just don’t care about anybody else’s feelings)

9/ I have to keep writing or I will end up fucking old country people again (Farmers are the best, peasants passable, avoid shepherdess, big moustache’s grandmas or shepherdess grandmas with big moustaches)

10/ Is writing this blog or starting a serial killer career (I can combine both)

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Things I don´t get

I’m weird, that’s pretty clear if you read my stories. But I’m a weird guy who likes rational things, and sadly I’m always witnessing irrational behaviours in people who disrespect weird people. They go around thinking they are normal, they are okay, that the people who don’t act like them are crazy. But then they do things such as the ones I’m going to share with you. These are some things I don’t get:

1/ They are very normal, very logic. I’m the crazy guy because I opened an umbrella inside my house. Of course the normal thing to do is get really mad at me and worry a lot because it gives a lot of bad luck (I don’t know if this happens in other countries, and I don’t know either if anybody else thinks opening an umbrella inside a house is really funny too)

2/ I was just a little boy, seven years old I guess. I was about to play the final of a soccer cup in my home town. When we entered in the field they had the cup over a table in there waiting, I saw it and thought it would be nice touching it a little bit because you know, it was lying in there, but that was a crazy thing to do. The normal thing to do was telling off a seven year old for touching a cup because it gives very bad luck (We won and I played pretty bad, that means touching the cup gave me good luck, I usually played really awful. In the celebration I fell down and got myself a black-eyed though)

3/ I’m odd because I like talking about UFOs, ghosts, CIA conspiracy or wolf men, that’s the crazy thing to do. Normal sane people don’t just like talking about some guy two thousands years ago healing blinds, dying and reviving, going to the heaven, that’s a place where human beings who died go to hang out forever, they even believe it (Who needs help here?)

4/ I’m nuts because after spending a few years of my life going out every night and end up a little unbalanced because of drugs I decided to stop that for writing stories and travelling around. When everybody knows the normal thing to do is keep going out every night to still being a cool guy (Junkies street cleaners are the coolest guys according to them)

5/ I’m insane because I run away of serious relationships with women I don’t really like or love and vice versa. When everybody knows the normal and logic thing to do is getting involved in a relationship with the first person you can tolerate just to not being alone (That’s probably the reason why I’m so unhappy when all the couples are so happy)

6/ I’m unstable because I like to get in a train and go wherever it takes me, because when I travel to a city I’ve never been I don’t buy a guide of the place and go around seeing the most famous monuments, churches and museums. I just walk around, grab some beers and talk with the natives, and that is crazy. The normal thing to do when you travel is preparing the trip for a whole year and then going to every single place in the city’s guide and just relate with the tourist guides and other tourists for a week (I’ve been in the city and I missed the Rockefeller centre. I must commit suicide!)

7/ I’m bizarre because I started writing a blog where I talk about some experiences I had and other nonsense. When the rational thing to do is writing a blog talking about your children, cats or both. Or reading blogs that talk about nonsense or about the writer’s cat and children (Do you know any shrink please?)

8/ I’m crazy because I don’t have Twitter, Facebook, Myspace and those things. I need help because I’m not interested on using them when the logic thing to do is writing your personal daily experiences in the web under your whole personal information to share it with your friends and a bunch of people you don’t know and you probably won’t (Is so enriching get to talk with those ex-girlfriends, friends, class mates, teachers, unknowns… Why am I wasting my life like this?)

9/ I’m definitive mad because I through away my self phone two years ago, I’m living in 2010 and I don’t have a mobile anymore! I’m missing so much those daily conversations with people I don’t want to talk to, those messages saying nothing, that fucking vibration in my pocket, those inappropriate interruptions when I was doing something I liked, that habit of checking every minute if someone had called, those girls that took my phone behind my back and just doing that got to know how phony I was with them (I need my life back!)

10/ I’m at a mental hospital’s doors because I’ve never used a watch. I go along with my live without a watch! Oh my Gosh! When I want to know the time I have to approach another human being and asking him the time. Why me Lord? Why me? Of course the normal thing to do is spending half of your salary on a Rolex even though you probably don’t even know how to read the clock’s hands (Don’t wear a watch is crazy too because in the streets, cars or buildings it’s impossible to find something that tells you the time, that is some difficult information to get)

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Reactions to a father who wants to nail his daughter

It happened in Vienna, I was with a friend and we went in to an ice cream shop, it was small and there weren’t any customers. We sat and ordered ice creams cones. There was a married couple, probably in their fifties, running the place and waiting for costumers to show up and attend them. She was pretty normal, little bit fat but a normal fifty year old woman, she looked European, later we found out she was Austrian (wasn’t a surprise since we were in Austria). Her husband was the weird one, he had Arabic features, only one eyebrow, a huge one, he was bald, short, ugly… later we found out he was from Egypt.

Since we were the only customers there we started talking. It was the common conversation you receive when you are far away of your home:

Wife: Where are you from, Italy or Spain?

Me: New Caledonia

Friend: Yeah, from Nouméa, the capital…

Wife: Oh where is that exactly?

Me: I think that is pretty clear madam…

Friend: I kind of feel insulted here…

Wife: Oh yes, “New Culidonya” yes, sorry… What are you doing here in Vienna?

Me: We are just looking for lands to conquest…

Friend: “New Culindonya” needs to be expanded…

Wife: Really?

Me: I’m just kidding, we are actually on our honey moon… (Shocking gesture on the wife’s face and then a shocking gesture on the husband’s face after his wife translated for him)

Friend: Yes, our wives are in the hotel room cleaning right now

Me: Later they will take care of the corridors…

Wife: So when are you guys leaving?

Me: Probably when we finish our ice creams…

Friend: Not totally bad ice cream by the way…

More or less that was how the conversation went, then someone entered the store. I even recall a slow motion plane and music when she appeared. At that moment, the prettiest woman I had ever seen was the one who was feeding water to a donkey (We´ll get in to that pretty soon) but this one beat her. I remember her very well, she was a mix between Arabic and European beauty. Dark hair and skin, she was white but with dark skin, she had brown clear eyes, almost green. She was wearing very casual clothes, the kind of clothes that an eight-year-old wears but she was almost twenty. Her body was perfect and her face was the living image of an angel. Pure beauty.

We were seated in a small table and the married couple was on their feet talking with us. When she arrived an intense silence ocurred, my friend and I stared at her impressed with her uncommon beauty. She walked in smiling and sat at a table near ours. While she was walking to the table, the husband checked her out with a nasty look, he stared at her ass with a desiring look. Then he looked at us making that usual men’s gesture when a hot woman is around that says: “Did you see her? I wanna fuck every hole on her” We responded with the other classic gesture that says: “I am impressed with her beauty too, yum yum”

She had a backpack, she took out some pencils and a notebook. The wife sat by her side and they started talking in German. They seemed to be discussing something about how to write a word. My friend and I thought that maybe that most beautiful woman we have ever seen was working in that store and was in charge of decoration or something (She was the best possible decoration as a matter of fact)

Seeing how good relationship the wife had with the prettiest girl in history, we started regretting our pricklike behaviour with the store owners. We found out that they were arguing about how the word España (Spain) has to be written. We walked in to that store because we were out of money, we didn’t have a place to be and we had to kill time before attending a soccer game between Spain and Germany later that afternoon. We had to stop being assholes for awhile and start talking to them properly.

We explained our jokes about our origin and told them the truth that we were from Spain, then the wife who was the only one who could speak English told us about her life, her husband’s life and yes… her daughter’s life. We couldn’t believe that glorious girl was their daughter. Even now I can’t believe that such a beauty came out of that one eyebrow man’s dick and that fat woman’s vagina. But over everything I can’t believe how someone could give such a disgusting nasty look to his own daughter.

The girl didn’t speak English and was too shy to even try (She was perfect). We very kindly ordered more ice creams, we were willing to wait around until she learn our language or we learned German if it was required. The truth is that we became completely different people when that girl walked in, that’s what people who will go to hell do, modify their behaviour depending on the appearance of the people who they are with.

We very kindly explained them how writing “¡Viva España!” (“Hurray Spain!” I guess it would be translated, they had problems with Spanish letter: ñ) The soccer euro cup final was about to be played in their town, a lot of Spaniards were around and they thought it would be good idea to put a little sign in their shop window to encourage Spaniards to come in to their store (A picture of their daughter would’ve been more than enough)

We pretended to be funny and healthy people who were just spending more than an hour eating fifty-cent ice creams because we “really” liked them and we just happened to want more and more. Sadly the match time approached at one point and we had to leave, we made the prettiest girl ever laugh a few times, but she just spoke German and it is very hard hitting on a girl while her mother is translating, so we left with nothing but the memory of having met a really unique woman.

After leaving we started worrying thinking about that father’s look to his daughter. We witnessed how Spain beat German in that game, but in our minds there was only room for what had happened in that ice cream shop. We felt guilty leaving her unprotected with that unibrowed father and his nasty’s looks. We saw the danger but we just left and that was wrong. These are better reactions to a father who wants to nail his daughter:

1/ Calling the police would have been the best thing to do (That’s right)

2/ Calling the police would have been the second best thing to do (That’s truth)

3/ Calling the police would have being the third best thing to do (Enough asshole! Make up something else…)

4/ Explain to her mother the father’s look we caught and leave with our minds relieved (She probably would’ve called the police because it was her first, second and third best option)

5/ Once the police had arrived explain to them what we witnessed and ask them to take measurements (After seeing the girl, policemen would have understood the poor man situation and they would have just eaten some ice cream while trying to make advances with her )

6/ Forget that the translator was her mother and hit on her (I’m so stupid. If I had done that I could’ve lived with my conscience clear so far)

7/ Memorize the store’s location. Come back home and dedicate my whole life to learning German to be able to talk to her without translator. Go back to the store and sweet-talk her (Wouldn’t work, I’m not funny or interesting in Spanish, even less in English What makes me think I would be in German?)

8/ Give her nasty looks too, she probably grew up with that and she relates that with masculinity (We probably don’t know it but we gave her very nasty looks already)

9/ Give nasty looks to her father (I have a unibrow fetish)

10/ Move to Vienna and stalk her (It got bored after a few months)

Ways of dealing with an operator

You know how operators work. You are at your house sleeping, watching TV, hanging out with your girl, by yourself staring at a wall for hours or just trying to convince yourself of getting in to the bathroom and cutting your feet nails for the last fucking time when the phone starts ringing. Someone tries to sell you something, you are not interested at all but the operator insists asking you and offering you crap.

Ok, everybody has his own methods, but the truth is that most of us just listen to them trying to be polite while we try to ending the conversation in good terms. I went to an operator training once. I thought if I couldn’t beat the enemy I should join him, so I went to an interview and then to a process of selection where they taught me their soulless methods. One of the advices I recall is for example: When you are at the phone you are not a human being anymore, you are a seller Understand?

They have other techniques as well, for example, they know every possible response a client would make and they have several responses to hold the phone call on, they trained us to avoiding costumer’s hangs up. For three days I was trained to sell some offer to people. It was for a cell phones, TV channels and internet company named “Orange”

They told me things like: Old people are better because they are easier to confuse. Don’t hang up if the person who answers the phone tells you that the person you are asking for is death, it means that we can’t sell to him anymore but we can sell to the one who you are talking with. Don’t speak with them about anything that is not our offers, remember, you are a seller, not a person. Our offers are not better than the others companies offers at all, but you have to believe it is to being able to sell something.

I didn’t get the job at the end, for one part I was happy because the job sucked and it was going against my principle (just kidding. I don’t have any…) but for another part I was pissed because that place was full off smoking hot women. It was a joke, there where like forty people there, half of them were hot women. And the worst thing was that the guys there were really ugly. A bunch of hot women mixed with a bunch of ugly dudes it’s always something I don’t like to miss.

The thing is that since I went to that interview every time that I receive a phone call from an operator I answer this: Sorry, I don’t want to be rude but I worked as an operator too and I’m aware of your bullshit, just let me go man… They usually understand and hang up, sometimes they even chit-chat with me about how awful they job is (once someone told me how awful his life was…). But the truth is that I think there are better ways of dealing with an operator:

1/ If you want to end the thing quickly just scare them. Talk to them on high levels, yell a lot, if you can, try to emulate and Italian or Ebonics accent. If you have them just use them (Italians shouldn’t emulate Ebonics and blacks shouldn’t emulate Italian’s accent… Fuck it! You should try it):

Operator: Hello May I speak to “Mr. X” please?

You: Who the fuck is fucking asking that mother fucking question?

Ok, probably the thing would end there, but if you find a tough seller it would keep going like this:

Operator: Excuse me sir… Are you “Mr X” please?

You: Okay fucking asshole. I’m gonna tell you and I’m gonna tell you just once. If you don’t fucking hang up your piece of shit of phone right a way I’m gonna take my glock and search you until one of us dies

2/ When you answer the phone and you realise you are talking with an operator don’t talk, just be quiet letting the operator hear your breathing without saying a word until he hangs up (It can probably last hours though)

3/ If you are bored at home and you want to have some fun you should try this one:

Operator: Hello May I speak to “Mr. X” please?

You: You are talking to him alreadyyyyyy…

Operator: Okay sir. My name is “Sucker” I’m from “Orange” Would you be interested in hearing our offers?

You: Hello “Suckerrrrrr…” How are youuuu…?

Operator: I am very fine thank you very much… So “Mr. X”…Would you be interested in hearing our offers? They are really good

You: Will you be my best frienddddd?

Operator: I beg your pardon sir

You: Can I pet you like a doggyyyyy “Suckerrrr”?

Operator: Excuse me?

You: I love youuuu you love meeee we’re a happy familyyyy, with a great big hug and a kiss from me to youuuu. Won´t you say you love me toooo

4/ If you wish you were funny but unfortunately you are not. Redeem yourself and take advantage of a person who is paid to liking and pleasing you. Make your stupid jokes but this time get a guffaw at the end:

Operator: Hello May I speak to “Mr. X” please?

You: Whatever it is I didn’t do it… hahaha

Operator: Hehe… My name is “Piece of shit” I’m from “Orange” Would you be interested in hearing our offers?

You: Would be “Orange” interested in my offers… hahaha? (Very important: Always laugh of your own jokes… well; if you took this option you probably do it already)

Operator: Mmm… We have a really fast connection going on, a lot of TV channels… (I don’t know what the fuck they say around Anglo-Saxon countries but it doesn’t matter. Never listen to them! Interrupt them all the time)

You: What does a tree say to another tree?

Operator: Sorry? What was that?

You: Nothing! Vegetables don’t speak! Hahaha

Operator: Oh hehe…Listen to me Sir, we have good offers in terms of… (Interrupt him again)

You: This is a woman who didn’t know how to name her cat and she named it “Myboobs” One day the cat was missing and she asked a cop: -Did you see “Myboobs” And he answered her: - No but I would like to… hahaha

Operator: Hehe… We have cheap offers as well such as… (Interrupt him again and again and just tell him all that joke material you had had forgotten in your drawer on and on until he hangs up)

5/ Tell the operator you can’t talk because you are driving your car and then pretend to have a mortal accident before hanging up. The operator probably won’t give a shit because they give away their souls in the operator’s training, but maybe you find someone who stills being a good person and freaks out for the rest of his life (Being a good person has always bad consequences)

6/ If you are with some friends at home and they are up to it, you should make a scene. Recreate an assassination or a rape, something like this:

Operator: Hello May I speak to “Mr. X” please?

You: What’s up? (Here your friends should start screaming like if someone was killing or raping them while they ask for help desperately)

Operator: Okay sir... My name is “Asstight” I’m from “Orange” Would you be interested in hearing our offers? (They would probably last awhile until they get worried about what they are hearing. Don’t forget they are trained to be soulless)

You: I’m very busy right now… What is your offer about? (While your friends are screaming you have to speak with a really nervous voice. Don’t forget, you are an assassin)

Operator: No problem, I’ll be fast sir… We have a really fast connection going on, a lot of TV channels… (Let them explain their whole shit while your friends keep on screaming without saying a word, then the operator would probably ask this: - Is everything okay sir?)

You: (Now it’s your time to scream and became in a real killer) No! Everything is not okay! Shut up kids don’t make me end all this right now! Come here! Come here right now! Wait there piece of shit! (In this point just drop the phone and start making fight noises and screams)

7/ If the operator is a woman you should play the sex offender character. Breathe very intense, gasp to the phone every time… (Well, if you are reading this you probably are a sex offender and you already know what to do)

Operator: Hello May I speak to “Mr. X” please?

You: Yes… I am “Mr. X”… Who are you? (Try to sound like if you were really horny)

Operator: I’m calling you from “Orange” Would you be interested in hearing our offers right?

You: What is… your name… sweet? I like your girly voice…

Operator: Hehe…My name is “Carla” sir… We have a really fast connection going on, a lot of TV channels… (Interrupt her)

You: What are you wearing…Carlygirl?

Operator: I beg your pardon

You: Aaah… (Make a big gasp here, like if you were touching yourself already) Are you wearing panties…Carla? (Repeat her name, make her regret that she told you)

Operator: Excuse me sir…

You: Aaah… You have a fatty girl voice Carla… Are you a fatty girl Carla? Are you a really fat big nasty woman Carla?

I think she probably would hang up after this, but just in case she went to an intensive operator’s training. It would follow such like this:

Operator: No sir, as matter of fact I am not an over weighted person… Are you interested in what are you hearing or not?

You: Oh yeah… Keep talking Carla… I’m almost there… aaah… I’m almost here baby keep talking…I like your fatty voice… (She won’t talk of course, that will make you very angry) What the fuck? Keep talking you bitch!

8/ If you want to have fun but you are in a hurry and the operator is a dude you should try this one: Do a really disgusting gay voice (Despite we can say, men aren’t ready to deal on private with homosexuals yet)

Operator: Hello May I speak to “Mr. X” please?

You: Hellooo I’m “Mr. X” cowboy (Don’t forget the really gay voice)

Operator: Oh, hello “Mr. X” I’m calling you from “Orange” Would you be interested in hearing our offers right?

You: Of course I am cowboy… Did someone tell you that you have a really manly voice? I bet you are very tight and you are in great shape… hihihi

Operator: Oh, thank you sir I appreciate that… We have a really fast connection going on, a lot of TV channels… (Interrupt him, don’t let him talk too much)

You: Did I tell you that I’m alone at home… home alone like Macaulay… hihihi

Operator: I beg your pardon

You: I want your cock in my asshole right now bad boy

Operator: What?

You: I wanna be your slave. I wanna be punished by your venous big cock. Make me scream like the girl I am!

9/ If you want to have fun without any effort just try this one: Pretend to be very interested in what the operator has to tell you, more or less like this:

Operator: Hello May I speak to “Mr. X” please?

You: Yes, I’m “Mr. X” How are you? (Pretend to be very excited and interested with the phone call)

Operator: I am very fine thank you “Mr. X” I’m calling you from “Orange” Would you be interested in hearing our offers right?

You: Oh yes I am very interested sir, I was expecting your call… Right now I was in the middle of something but it will only take me a moment. Would you wait two minutes for me please? I’ll be right back (Leave your phone and keep doing whatever you were doing, put the operator on hold those two or more minutes until he gets desperate and hangs up)

10/ My last advice is paying them with their own medicine. It would work like this I guess:

Operator: Hello May I speak to “Mr. X” please?

You: I am “Mr. X”

Operator: Good morning “Mr. X” I’m calling you from “Orange” Would you be interested in hearing our offers right?

You: Are you from “Orange”?

Operator: That’s right sir

You: Oh nice. What do you think about headphones with high sound quality?

Operator: Excuse me?

You: I have the best in the market right now… and they are very economic Do you work with headphones right?

Operator: Yes I do but… (Interrupt him)

You: How are they? Do you hear well or sometimes you wish you have better quality? How does the microphone work? (At this point the operator would be confused)

Operator: I guess I can’t complain… We have good offers in relation with… (Interrupt him again, most of them just read their stupid offers and don’t give a fuck about you, so you have to be rough at the interrupting part)

You: Shut up for a moment! What’s your name?

Operator: “Smellycrap” sir

You: Okay “Smellycrap” I have a game of fifty best quality headphones, they join every head size, they are quilted for your comfort. May I ask what head size do you have?

Operator: Mmm…

You: They have a small keypad where you can put your calls on hold or make multiple calls or a lot of different interesting options

Operator: Mmm…

Just keep bullshitting the operator until he decides to hang up and never calling you again.