Friday, November 12, 2010

Mmm check out how ugly is that one

Every time I walk in the street I see a lot of hot girls, if I go to a shop, I see a lot of hot girls. If a go around a church, I see a lot of hot girls, if I turn on my TV I see a lot of hot girls. Everywhere is full of hot girls right now. There are a lot of hot girls, we live surrounded by them, and that's not okay.

There is so much amount of hot girls now that I'm honestly starting to feel attracted to the ugly ones, it's so hard to find one, they are so cute going all alone while nobody but me is looking at them. In the past being hot was the difference, now is the rule, the difference is being ugly, and men are attracted to the difference, not the rule.

The ugly ones are smarter because they need that to survive, funnier because of the same reason, smiling doesn't open doors for them, they have to struggle in life, they are more prepared for everything. I know they hate the hot ones, but it's jut a matter of time that changes. Maybe I'm the first one who starts feeling attracted to the ugly women instead of the pretty hot ones, but I assure you I won't be the last one. Pretty soon all of us will be saying: "Mmm check out how ugly is that one"

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Sponge vs Bar of soap

Life is about decisions, choices. I want to talk about one of the toughest today. Whether using a sponge or a bar of soap in the shower. Well, I know in the States the bars of soap are the most usual, and I used to don't understand why, until I tried it.

The sponge is nice, you can reach isolated spots, is easy to manage, hard to drop and it's even soft and sweet, but you have to put a lot of soap on it, two charges per shower, that is not okay, and the soap is like very ephemeral, I don't feel absolutely cleanness with it I may say.

In the other hand, bars of soap are more slippery, easier to drop and not as manageable as sponges. But I have to say I made the change to them, once you try the bar is like a completely new experience, the cleanness feeling is huge, amazing, maybe it's harder to use, not as soft, but I think bars of soap are better than sponges. Don't you think?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Everybody has that person

Have you ever met someone for the first time in a party, a dinner or whatever and you guys talked about some subject, but only one subject and then split? Then have you ever seen that very same person a few weeks later and had the same exactly conversation about the very same subject? And a couple months later have you ever found that person again and talked again about the same subject? Of course you have, everybody has that person.

It's weird, because the first time you think you go along with that person "we really had some talking there" you may think. The second time when you have the same conversation you start thinking something is going wrong. The third time you realized you guys are stuck in that subject, you realized you guys only talk about the same thing on and on and everytime you guys try to change the subject uncomfortables silences appear.

And that situation is forever, you can't change that, it's impossible. Everytime you see that person you are going to be so uncomfortable that no matter how hard you force yourself to not to, you will end bringing up the subject you guys always talk about. And that subject is usually boring and stupid, maybe you talk about how good Lebron is, maybe about how horrible is that guy's job, or maybe the subject is just about the wheather. My advice is simple: Start studing about weather, the guy's job or Lebron, because you are going to talk about that with that person forever

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Money buys happiness

I think it does, I know it's really cool saying: "No, money doesn't buy happinnes, love and friendship does" And that's true, if you have millions of dollars more millions of dollars won't make you happier, but we know that's not the point.

I think that if you have millions you can buy time, and time gives happiness. Would you spent hours in your office if you could spent them with your children? Would you be happier travelling the globe going wherever you want to or going to sleep early because your boss doesn't tolerate delays? If you mix time with money you have the happiness' recipe.

Of course your mother, son or friend can die, of course you can waste your life due to the amount of free time, but that is only because if you mix time, money and stupidity you have the unhappiness' recipe. Where are you reading this pal? In your office or wherever you wanted to be? You can keep saying that money doesn't buy everything, but according to how the world is ruled, so far it does.

Monday, November 8, 2010

This guy you are with, the one named God, isn't advisable, sweetie

I witnessed a lot of crazyness around me these last few days. Maybe I'm the crazy one, not them. People waking up early, traveling hundreds of miles and waiting for hours to see some guy dressed in white passing by in his transparent car without even stopping. People with a shaken gesture screaming things like: "¡Papa amigo, España está contigo!" (Pope, friend, Spain is with you!)

And I think that is why love to God is pretty much the same than love to a couple. You think everything he does is perfect, you think he is the best, you are blinded. And when I witness this behaviour I feel bad, because you can't do anything to open her (or his) eyes. It's like that friend of yours dating a really bad ass, whatever you tell her only will put her against you, she will refuse everything you say that she doesn't want to hear, her love is perfect and that's it.

And let's face it, What could we do? What can we tell them? "Hey, that guy you are going out with doesn't seem someone you can trust in, he doesn't even show himself honey" "I know he is very famous and successful, I just think loving someone who never calls you back is weird" "I don't envy you buddy, I just said all those tales they tell you about him don't seem very real to me" "Allow me an advice my friend: If you have to die to meet him he isn't worth it at all" "You are just one more of millions, he is very promiscuous Don't you see that?" "I'm sorry but he is just with you for your money, How many times did you give him some? How many times did he give it back to you?" "Just face it, this guy you are with, the one named God, isn't advisable, sweetie"

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Pope Star

The Pope and all of his toys (you gotta love the Popemobile)are in Spain, and of all places he decided to come to Galicia. The excitement and nervousness has been huge among the religious fanatics, while the non religious people have been annoyed and pissed. A traveling Pope always comes with quite a hefty pricetag (around six millions euros in cost), but you know, seeing the closest thing we have to God has never been cheap.

The guy is a star though, he came, gave his concert, played his most famous hits like "The Lord´s player" and "Hail Mary", made people go crazy, probably screwed a couple young groupies behind the stage, and left for his next stop. What a life he has, dressed with those extravagant clothes, flying in private jets, crusing around in his bomb proofed personal car. The media couldn't talk about anything that wasn't the Pope this week, they were so absorbed that there were a few fires and murders that actually went unreported in the news. He is clearly the most important person in the world, he is a real hero. His unique achievement in life is simply being the Pope.

He talked about the poor people for a while, and I think it was very appropriate, talking about that issue while wearing a gold-covered crown, living in a gold-covered palace. But poor people were crying tears of hope with his visit, just having the opportunity of seeing him made their day, possibly their year. He is just the visible head of a very profitable and successful bussiness, he is the Pope Star.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Hello! How are you doing? Don't kill me please

Jogging is healthy, I think all of us agree on that. I've lived very few times in the US, but I could see how many people do jogging there, it's like a religion, every one finds the time in their day to go out with their ipod and get some exercise. I find that very nice.

I walk my dog everyday, so I do jogging. I have to say I have the honor of being the first inhabitant of my village to be a jogger, I'm actually the first person there who said the word jogging. I run or walk around the forest, I actually live in the forest, but when I run or walk (walk) I go to the part without houses, one with some mountains, it's fun. There are several trails, nobody is around, no noises. I usually run into wild animales like horses, cows or wild boars, but they are fine. If you just ignore them they ignore you.

The most uncomfortable situation is when once or twice in a month, I bump into a human being. There are a lot of miles of forest, nobody walks on it, but there are exceptions sometimes. When you see the guy coming (always dudes, and scary ones) you get nervous, it's silly, but true, you thought you were alone, you behaved like you were alone, but now you realize you aren't, one person is walking in your direction. You know you have to say hello, when you find another person in a huge empty place, not saying hello is worse than spitting in his face. Then, when the closer is getting the guy, the more you think about how alone you guys are, and how easy it would be for one of us killing the other and getting away with it. I mean, you can scream, but no one would hear you, you are totally at his mercy, so if you run into a serial killer you are screwed. That's why these one or two times per month I find someone in the forest I tell him with a kind smile: "Hello! How are you doing? Don't kill me please" And then I keep jogging.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Suicidal people have a lot of merit

When someone commits suidicide we tend to think the guy was a coward "He took the easy way" we say, I think that is not true, I think those guys deserve a lot of credit, I wouldn't know how to even get started with that. How do you do it?

I could shoot myself in the head, but I'd need a gun, and I don't know how to get a gun, in Spain you have to get through a lot of bureaucracy to get one (In the US they sell them in Walmarts but here is different)and once you get one you must use it right. What if you shoot yourself in the wrong place and end up being a vegetable? I could also cut my veins, but where exactly? In the movies they always cut the arm, and they always fail. You can jump out of a window you may say, I live in the country, the highest building here has two stories. Then the one about the toaster in the shower wouldn't work either, the wire doesn't reach my tub, and I highly doubt my poor electric conection could kill a fly. You can always hang yourself you sure thinking, How dude? You have to make that professional knot, find a good rope, a hook or something, hanging yourself is probably the hardest one.

Then we have the letter part. What do you write on those? You explain your reasons? You make a biography? How long should it be? You send it or just leave it at home? Too many questions man... When you want to kill yourself and you find out you don't know how, that would probably get you more depressed and would make your will of killing yourself bigger, and that would put you in a curl. Suicide is a very hard thing, that's why we should give a lot of credit to the ones who achieve it. Suicidal people have a lot of merit.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

People dying makes me hungry

When my grandma was dying, I went several times to the hospital to visit her and reward with my company, all those amazing soups, tasty stews and awesome desserts she gave me in the past. In that hospital I witnessed the most disturbing thing ever seen.

In my grandma's room there were three beds. One for her, another for an old lady in her last days too, and then the last one was for a 15 year old anorexic girl. Seeing that situation, I had to ask a doctor why they would put that poor girl in the same room with two dying old ladies. He told me that it was just part of her treatment "Every anorexic is in a room with two dying old people so they know what is life about"

I think that is absolutely insane, my grandma passed away in less than a week, the other lady one day after her, the 15 year old anorexic girl had to be like four months in that room. I calculate she could witness 25 deaths in her stay in that hospital. More madness, when someone died they let the dead body in the room, so when I left that hospital the anorexic girl was watching TV with my dead grandma and a old lady who would die that very same night. My cuestion is: What the fuck are they doing in that hospital? What are they thinking? Do they actually believe that those poor anorexic people are going to start eating because everybody around is dying? What do they expect? That the anorexics tell them: "You were right Doctor, people dying makes me hungry"

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

That's it, I'm getting myself pregnant tonight

Have you ever thought how would the world be if we were hermaphrodite? If any men or women could impregnate themselves any moment they want? How would that be like? Would there be more or less children in the world?

I think it depends, if we could get pregnant any time we masturbate, the overpopulation would be the main problem in our society, but if we just could get ourselves pregnant any time we want to, there would be less kids for sure. Men or women wouldn't need each other for anything (there would only be one gender) or maybe we would, if we kept our two genders and could have sex, but worhtless sex, just pleasure but not reproduction, the world would be awesome. Don't you think?

Just by changing that thing, our world would be completly different, our social relations and interactions would change a lot. Our life would be really weird and disturbing. Just imagine that guy with a fine work and with his own department lying in his bed with troubles to sleep while feeling lonely thinking: "That's it, I'm getting myself pregnant tonight"

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Just pick a masseuse

Masseuses are the best girlfriends possible, doesn't matter how they look or how interesting they are, any time you want it, you get a free massage. Sex is cool, but let's face it, a sex-massage combo is the coolest option possible.

You are watching TV lying on your couch while someone is giving you an amazing massage in your head, a pro massage! That is heaven dude. Who cares she is fat or bald? She is a woman and she has the skills to have you relaxed all the time. In fact, the uglier she is the luckier you are, you won't have any competition, the massuses are very underestimated in our society yet, and since she is ugly she'll want to reward you with one awesome massage everytime you ask for it.

So, forget about supermodels or sex symbols, I bet they don't know how to give massages, and if they do they probably don't want to give them away. She can be blonde, dark-haired or brunette. Whether she is fat or thing, pretty or ugly, young or old, just pick a masseuse my friend.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Halloween in Spain

When I was a kid Halloween in Spain just existed within English classes. No one was interested in that celebration, we have the Carnival, which is pretty much the same. But we live under the clutches of capithalism, and it covers everything. Gradually in Spain the shopping malls started selling and promoting Halloween costumes and stuff. The media started talking about how great Halloween is (using that smart trick of saying something is already happenning when it isn't. If you say everybody is doing something, everybody starts doing something like idiots) and right now, for more or less five years, we celebrate Halloween like one of our most famous celebrations in the year.

I find this sad and annoying, the other day three girls bad dressed with indefinable costums, came to my home and said: "Truco o trato" That crap doesn't make any sense in Spanish, it's a too literally translation. I didn't give them anything but my mother did (She is American) we don't have Halloween culture, when a bunch of stupid kids arrive to some random home, they usually won't get anything but questions: "What did you say about a treatment?" "Who are you again?" "Why are you people in my house?"

I asume this Halloween bullshit is unstoppable already, this war is defeated, media always wins. I just find funny that in Spain people is imitating this traditional American custom and they don't know what for. I'm from a Celt land, Galicia is Celt, so it is Halloween, but I don't care, we've never done this before, we don't even know how doing it. Witnessing it is really sad. The only ones winning here are the ones selling costumes and some other Halloween stuff to the retarded Spaniards, and believe me, we can be very good at sports, but at being retarded no one can beat us.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Scared from the distance

I have been hearing a lot lately about the "tea party" and all their nutty supporters. Sometimes they say in the news here in Spain that Sarah Palin wants to run for president in the future. Sometimes they interview republican supporters and I listen to what they have to say, and I must confess that their opinions scare me a little bit, they are pretty radical if you ask me.

The US is one of the most powerful countries in the world. Could it ever be ran by such lunatic people? Well, you never know what happens at the polls, but let me tell you, I'm scared from the distance...

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Reactions to a train from the hell

I was in Nis (or something like that) It's in Serbia. Well, the truth is I was in Skopje and I wanted to go to Greece, but my stupid friend and I took wrong the train. Two or more hours after the departure, when the Serbian police took our passports we started to doubt we were going to Greece. I approached two girls and asked:

Me: Is this train going to Greece?

Girl (shocked): This goes to Serbia!!

Me: Oops, I wanted to go to Greece

Girl (worried): Oh my God! You should talk to the ticket inspector or something, this goes to Nis!

Me: Bah, don't worry, Greece can wait... How is Nis like?

The girl didn't respond, her friend just stared smiling because she didn't understand English or whatever language we were raping in that cabin. I didn't go to talk to the ticket inspector, he came to talk with me to charge us more money. He was an ass, the idiot saw our tickets only a couple minutes after we boarded, he didn't notice we were in the wrong train, but then he was charging us for our mistake.

Anyways, we spent some time in Nis, pretty nice place by the way. Then we took a train to Bar, that's in Montenegro, Adriatic Sea shore, pretty close to Italy, we were going there to take a boat to Bari. The train lasts almost twuenty hours to make that journey. We did not know that.

We boarded at night, the day had been very sunny and nice, but suddenly a strong storm appeared and got us wet. It was rainning a lot and the water came into the train because some windows were broken, we found ourselves a cabin with fine windows and prepared for the trip. Suddenly I saw a red laser around me and then I heard a couple of shoots, when I thought I would be dead, I noticed a little boy with a fake gun, I ignored him until I saw he was with his big boobs sister, then of course I pretended to be the classic kind guy who loves children.

That always works, his sister was mine at the second minute. Then a shitty ticket inspector came to our cabin and kicked us out, he said we had reservations and our cabin was one a couple yards away, a cabin with a broken window by the way. We argued for awhile but the guy didn't speak English, so we took advantage of that by describing him with a lot of not kind adjetivals. But we ended near a broken window which he tried to fix with some lame rope, that guy must be the McGiver from Nis or something.

Big boobs (I totally forgot her name, I'm awful with people names, don't take this big boobs as a demeaning but as complementary thing please) and his little annoying brother were with their parents, and it seemed like she didn't have space in their cabin, the place was crowded so I invited her to ours, her parents allowed his brother to come for awhile, and that sucked. We were four people with six sits, my friend was trying to sleep, the girl was into me and her brother's time in our cabin was expiring, so at that moment I thought that trip was great. Then a 25 year old male gipsy arrived to our cabin, then the train left.

We chit-chated for more than an hour, then the girl's mother came to took his kid to her cabin and put him to sleep. One obstacle was over, only one to go, so we waited like another hour for the annoying gipsy (not a racist thing, he was annoying no matter his skin, and disturbing too) to fall sleep, then we could hook up. The problem of making out with a girl who has her family in the next cabin is that you don't have complete freedom, any thought of getting laid in that train blowed up when I saw how she went off of me everytime someone passed by the aisle near our cabin. When I saw how dirty, wet and disgusting were the bathrooms I just realised I was wasting my time at all.

Even though it was being a nice trip, those little travelling platonic relationships are cool, the best I would say. We fell sleep and then when I woke up, the comfortable train I thought I was in had became in hell. Our cabin was eventually full of teenagers, some of them really drunk and noisy, eight people for six sits. Big boobs was there, talking to them, I think she was twenty, so she went along with the seventeen years old people, maybe they were twenty too, I couldn't tell, but they were retarded and very noisy.

I wanted to sleep and couldn't, so I kicked my friend and woke him up, I didn't want to go through that alone. Big boobs, who was not as cute as I remembered from the night before, introduced me to the new people but nobody there spoke English. Finally my friend opened his eyes.

Friend: Who the fuck are these noisy people?

Me: I don't know man, I think all of them are going to the beach or something, there are like a hundred teenagers in this train, at least fifty in the aisle smoking and getting drunk

Friend: Are we there yet?

Big boobs: We are almost there, only eight hours for my stop and like eleven for yours

We didn't know that trip was going to be so long, we didn't have any food, we ate all the night before, even offered some to the girl and the gipsy. For a really long time we tried to sleep and couldn't, we witnessed how teenagers argued, fought, made peace, fought again, got drunk, sober, drunk again... And overall how they yelled, all the time, very high levels there. Picture ten hours like that, sleepy, with teenagers all over and not knowing where you are and how much left it is. The view was amazing, the train went across beautiful mountains and lakes, but I couldn't enjoy it at all. By the way, the girl's brother woke up and started pointing me with his red laser and shooting at me with his fake gun all the time, this time no games with him, I sent him to fuck himself very quickly. Did I mention the bathrooms were dirty, wet and not working? I needed to crap (as always) My mp3's battery went off so I didn't have music either.

Every couple of minutes some police for some differents countries came and took all our passports for a lot of time, that train was hell. We just hanged in there really pissed while insulting and complaining, but only big boobs could understand us, due to that, we started insulting just her and she leftt the cabin, last time I saw her. I behaved like an ass. Maybe that wasn't the best reaction. These are other reactions to a train from hell:

1/ Get big boobs pregnant (I think she was anyway, those boobs were unreal)

2/ Get drunk with the teens until I passed out (Then drink more until I passed away)

3/ Being racist with the gipsy and start an argument about why and why not they should have rights (That would be a monologue though)

4/ Take the boy's gun and smash it into pieces (Or just smash the boy into pieces)

5/ Take advantage of the broken window and jump out (I tried, but the stupid ticket revisor made a really good work fixing it)

6/ Get involve in the teenager's fights (Yeah, sure, get my ass kicked was the only thing left for me that day)

7/ Destroy my passport and get arrested when the police come to check them (Spent the rest of my life in a Balkan's jail would've been better than in that train)

8/ Take a dump in the cabin and spread out the teenagers (They were so drunk they didn't notice it, just my friend and I)

9/ Take a mop and clean the train's bathrooms so I can use them (Since big boobs didn't want to... There started our relationship crisis I guess)

10/ Don't breathe until everything just goes away (The gipsy noticed my suicidal attemp and saved my life, what a retarded idiot!)

Friday, October 29, 2010

Che, I'm sorry for you

Have you noticed how many people wear clothes with the Che's picture on it? It's like an epidemic, T-shirts, caps, sweaters, tatoos... There is a whole bussiness behind this dude's face. And I think this is really sad, not because I don't like the Che's history but because I know the Che's history.

This guy was a revolutionary with a very radical socialist idiology, he really heated imperialism, and look now, his face is an icon of imperialism, he is like Nike now. I think if he came to life again and he saw all those people walking around with his face, he would go back to death again, he would be so dissapointed, poor dude, devote his life to his idiology for this, Che, I'm sorry for you.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Old friends

Today an old friend called me, I have to confess that since I moved out from my home town I pretty much broke all contact with it. I started travelling and doing other things. My life in my home town wasn't the healthiest so I think I won with the change. At least I've learned that for sure today.

When an old friend calls you after a couple years without any contact, he would start telling you a lot of things: "That guy had a kid, he is so fucked now" "That other guy is messed up because his girlfriend left him" "My brother is fat as hell now, you won't recognize him for sure"

And you just listen thinking: "Ok man..." Then all the personal questions arrive: "Where are you now?" "You married or what?" "Are you working in the same place?" Then the attemps of getting together: "Dude, you have to come to town with us and have fun like the old days" "What are you doing this week?" "Come on man, we miss you here"

And right now I'm the one who's fucked, one of this days I will have to go to my home town to listen a lot of stories I'm not sure I'm interesed in, tell the same story once and again about where I've been, what I'm doing now...etc. And what for? I think old friends just should meet in periods of 20 or 25 years, that's a real old friend.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Don't get a Golden Retriever my friend

I like dogs, I think they are a great animal, but they come with responsabilities. You have to raise them, take care about them, feed them, play with them, walk them...etc. I honestly like doing all those things, my problem is my dog doesn't pay me any attention, he manages me like he wants.

And that's because of his beauty, I have a Golden retriever, that is a famous breed for its beauty and intelligence. They have this extremly sad gesture that makes me impossible to telling him off no matter what he does. He is totally barbarian, out of control. He makes me feel like the worst human being when I take my car, he tries to get in, I don't let him and I leave without him, I drive and feel like if I've killed somebody.

When we talk about food is even worse, the dog is fat, I won't lie to you... But just understand me man, I can't deny food to those sad eyes! I think he is so smart that he does all that on purpose, this is his strategy, he is really mean, Goldens retriever are mean. Don't get a Golden retriever my friend...

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Google sucks!

Don't you think? This company must be full of idiots. Of course they have a lot of money, but money is money, not intelligence. The internet has given a lot of money to geeks. If it wasn't for the internet, if this idea of connecting all the computers would have never worked, those millionaries would be serving burguers, I'm pretty sure.

Think about it, two guys from Stanford who probably had problems to get dates, made this engine for their university website and a couple of years later they were billioners. Why didn't you or me make such thing? Why them? Well, I was a boy in 1998, and you... well, you know your reasons I guess. So, What is my problem? Why I'm saying they are idiots? Just look around man, look the ads they put or let put on blogs... Are intelligent the people who is putting this ads in my blog? I think they are not, I think they are idiots.

If someone writes in his blog about women's rights, Google will put ads about: "Browse singles now" (African dating and singles). If someone decides to write about hunger and the third world, Google will put different ads: "Browse singles now" (Filipino dating and singles). If someone writes about how much he hates religion, Google will put all kind of ads like: "Scientology" (Who I am? What is my future?... Ahhh!) "Who is the Antichrist?" (Click and see..) Really Google? I don't even want to imagine what crap will they put in this post, but I bet it will be something stupid, because they are idiots, because Google sucks!

Monday, October 25, 2010

Life's videogame

I like video games, I think they are amusing and fun, but I can't understand how some people spend so much time on those, particularly the life-like ones such as the Sims for example. Sometimes I think life is the best video game possible, and some people are not playing it enough.

Just think about it, picture a video game where you move yourself, with a huge beautiful scenery, where you can interact with other players and even love them. With a great video quality, free, surprising, with great stages and challenges, life is the greatest videogame possible, the dream of any player. You just need to get to know your avatar good enough, how it moves, how it thinks, where is its limit, what are its goals. In regular video games the first thing we always do is to push all the buttons to check how it goes, in this one I think we should do something pretty similar as well. Check ourselves before start playing.

Of course it has problems: Only one life, one mistake or an accident and you are done, our acts have consecuences, we can feel pain, our movements are limited, we have to spend time looking for survival (money), but other than that, I think this video game is pretty awesome. I think all of us should make the most of it and have fun before the "Game Over" sign shows up in our screen.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Honey, I love you at the moment

I don't have anything against marriage, I think it's wonderful that two people love each other enough to spend their whole time together. But who do we want to fool here? Everyone has like a million people who could spend the life with, is just chance what joins us, maybe conformism and society pressure too.

I find very interesting that almost everytime a member of a couple experiments a big change in life, let's call it fame, huge promotion or lottery for example, that couple is done, that true love flyes away with prittier people or money. How many couples are still arguing about who owns that winning lottery ticket they bought holding hands, smiling very hopeful and so in love?

I think true love (calling that: soul mates, only one person for each one...etc.) just exists within ignorance. In the other hand, marriage love and respect (calling that: two people working as a team) exists and works, but just in some particular escenarios, those relationships can go away in any moment, any big change can end with the team inevitably. And that's why we should say to our partners: Honey, I love you at the moment

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Being legal is too tough

If hell exists it must be some sort of waiting room, I don't find a worse place in the world that those. The other day I had to go to the police station to renew my ID (we do that in Galicia, yes) Of course in the village where I live there isn't a police station, there is not even a police officer. So I had to go to the closest town with police station, a place with no more than five thousand population, shame that day the five thousand people had to renew their IDs too.

First of all you wake up early thinking that the sooner you get there the sooner you will leave, of course that is what everybody thinks and when you arrive you see a great mass of people there, just waiting, the luckiest ones reading gossip magazines pretending they just do it because they are there and no because they really like those, the others just staring at the infinite while moving a leg up and down, down and up.

I took a number and sat down, most of the people said hello because that is one of the best moments in the waiting room, when a new one enteres and becomes the most prick in the place, disoriented trying to understand what is going on there, trying to figure out how much time is he going to be there, just waiting. After a good twenty minutes of staring at the infinite witnessing how nobody called for a number I realised that this place was slow, I look to the number they gave me, it was the 53.

Me: - What's the last number they called for?

Sad old lady: - 9

That was the closest I've been to death, that cold, souless and hopeless answer made me think that maybe that old sad lady was young and happy when she came into that room. I was facing my future, and it was no good. I took a look to the people around, some of them were sleeping, maybe dead, others where just talking to themselves, obviously going nuts. A kid was playing with his Nintendo, he seemed normal until I found out he was playing with the machine turned off. An officer came and called the number 10, a very old man broke down and cried, then another old man showed the number ten ticket and after hugging and saying good bye to everybody he left.

I looked the the man criying and asked him:

Me: -Why are you crying sir? you ok?

Sad old man: - You bet I am... I'm closer than ever, only five to go...

That was it for me, I don't want to be an old man who cries because his turn has almost came. Like a hero (I'm probably a legend in that town right now) I got up, put my number in the coffe table and took off under the whisper and sounds of impression of the people there. I prefer to live with an expired ID than die with a renovated one. Being legal is too tough!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Pop Porn Star

I like music, I don't have a very good ear but I can enjoy listenning to music. I think there are a lot of talented singers all over, but I want to talk about the most famous, the ones with a lot of publicity, work and money. What is going on with them? What the hell is wrong in the music industry? Are they completly nuts?

Answer: - No, they just know how to earn money (using sex)

If you are a male and you like singing, you are hot and you don't have an absolutely disgusting voice, you may get to the top. You only have to play the bad boy character, who is very sensitive and had troubles with drugs. Screw a couple groupies and break some famous girl's heart, make a song about it and you'll be a legend. Also works if you make a song about your lifetime gilfriend breaking your heart. Then make a very sensitive videoclip where a lot of pretty ladies worship you while you ignore them because you are just looking for the girl you really like and care about. Right to the top my friend!

If you are a female you'll have more competition, they may ask you for a good voice, but that is not really important in this bussiness, you need to be hot, really hot, and you have to act like you are horny 24/7. Make a couple songs about how much you like sex, how promiscuous you are, put a couple sensitive songs in your record as well just to show you have feelings and you are so badass now because someone broke your heart in the past. Then act weird, get yourself in troubles, show skin in your clips, the most recurrent is the one where you go to some beach shore and half naked you make out with a gym dude, you sing a little while you guys get wet. Then you'll just find yourself on the top.

When I watch music videoclips I honestly flip out. Right now most of them, (I mean the ones from these Shakiras, Ladies Gagas, Keshas, Katies Perrys...etc) are just porn shorts with the explicit scenes cut out. I don't care about it, I'm not complainning but just saying it amuses and impresses me. I don't think is too far the day when we'll be able to see the Pop Star of the moment grabbing a penis and singing at it like if it was a microphone in her clips. Maybe singing while some dude is eating her out or just banging her from behind, that is where this industry is going, music industry is converging with porn industry. I just hope my doughter won't ever tell me: "Dad, I want to be a Pop Porn Star"

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Just let us go for God sakes!

Have you ever thought about how hard is leaving a place? Everybody has a little kidnapper inside, and I think this nonsense must come to an end. You are at someone's house, you decide you are bored already and you want to go some place else, but you can't, they won't let you go.

You always need a strong excuse to be able of leaving: "I have to catch a plane" "My grandpa is ill" "Police just called me, my house is on fire" But some friendly kidnapers would even find weak those excuses: "Can't you catch the next one? I bet you do... come on, stay a little longer!" "Your grandpa is a big boy, don't worry about him, he'll be fine..." "Bah! the police always exaggerating, grab another cookie! Do you want more coffee? Don't put that face, your house is perfectly fine, I'm sure!"

When you want to leave a place you feel awful, is like breaking a really bad new. You are there, with thoughts of leaving for almost an hour before mustering the courage to actually make the first move to reach freedom by saying you want to go. Of course the first reaction to your leaving attemp doesn't work, you get up, you say goodbye but that just means you guys are going to keep talking aside the door, there, so close of the goal, but so far at the same time, since hosts always lean on the door so they have the power, only they can open it.

The saddest thing is that the host is usually dying for you to go off his house. They are just being polite, you want to leave, he wants you to leave, but he doesn't let you because he wants to be a good host, and in this culture being a good host means being a kidnaper. Life is too short to be chit-chating in front of a closed door, please let's end with this madness. Hosts of the world: Just let us go for God sakes!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

My hero is Adolf Hitler

Most of people hate Hitler, he was an evil racist murderer despot invader. Some people worship him due to their ignorance or aim to be part of a social group, but the normal thing is to hate this character. If someone asks me who do I admire the most and I answer "Adolf Hitler" that someone would think I'm nuts, nazi or evil.

So... How come that very same someone would find me interesting if I answer that I admire "Genghis Khan" "Julio Cesar" "Napoleon" or "Hernán Cortés" for example? I had even teachers who worshiped "Alejandro Magnum" Weren't they evil racist murderer despot invaders? Does it mean that in a hundred of years teachers will be worshiping Hitler like we do now with all those other characters? Would be streets in the future named over Adolf Hitler? Because there are streets named over "Hernán Cortés" or "Francisco Pizarro" where I live. Is Hitler going to be a great hero in the future?

I think that is not fair, we shouldn't be raising that kind of people, they were bad people, they don't deserve to be heros just because a lot of time has passed by. We must study them due to their importance of course, but worshiping them... come on man. Do you want your great-grandson saying: "My hero is Adolf Hitler"?

The afterlife

I think everybody thinks a lot about this matter. I have to confess that I'm not obsessed about death, but rather curious about it. It is like the end of a movie, whether it's good or bad you want to know how it ends. I want to know who is right, if the religious people or the sane people, if there is a heaven for our spirit or if we are just a dish for the warms.

Death is a rush, something that when takes place near us affects us a lot, it get us nervous, introspective, weak... when it shows up near us it is like a reminder, "I'm still here, waiting for you". But then time goes by and we forget about death again, and I think it's normal, we can't be thinking about death all the time, it would be crazy. There is no question we will die, but it would be better if it just comes as a surprise, without having to dwell on it or suffer for years.

But let me tell you about a little unscientific theory that I have about the afterlife. It is not that I actually believe it, but I think it is a posibility. Our brain is brilliant, I think most people agree on that, it has millions of years of evolution under its belt. What if our brain had developed some sort of self-defense mechanism against death? What if our brain an instant before shutting down forever had the skills to induce our conscience into a dream?

Think about it, my English is too weak to explain this kind of things yet, but just make an effort to imagine yourself dying, your brain knowing it and protecting you (your conscience) by inducing you in an infinite timeless dream. It is a mystery to science how our brain works, how it turns electricity into thoughts, colors, feelings...etc. Why wouldn't be it able to keep working even though it doesn't exist anymore? We dream because our brain needs to be working all the time, if it stops it doesn't start anymore according to science, that's why our dreams are so lame, they are produced by one tiny part of our brain, a few tiny parts actually, but the point is that dreaming is cheap, if real life is Play Station 3 dreams are game boy... Not much scenarios to load.

Maybe our brain can put our conscience in a limited and simple scenario with only a few characters who we would be giving different personalities like we do in our bed time dreams. Our life would be over, our body would be incinerated or decomposed, but our conscience would be hanging out in some imaginary place with imaginary people forever. And if it happens to be a good dream this theory would be awesome, but I don't even want to imagine an infinite nightmare.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Shy people are discriminated against

Don't you think? Shy people are very misundestood in our society and they are pretty excluded as well. People don't trust them, they say things like: He left without even say goodbye, that dude is an ass or: I saw her in the street and she didn't even stoped and chated, she is so full of herself

Shy people don't avoid talking to you because they think they are better or you suck (Maybe this happens sometimes too but is not the most common) they can't, they have like a wall to climb before tell you something, that wall is called confidence. And just for the record, telling to a shy person to not be shy doesn't work in their confidence, it makes it worse. Would you tell to a black or an indian to stop being black or indian?

The members of this discriminated community that I'm most worried about are the kids, they seem to be lonely, but when you break their wall and find the real person behind they are just normal fine kids and usually even more interesting than regular kids because of their huge imagination. I spent hours playing with a shy three year old who claimed that his yard was the ocean and we were fishes. If instead of being patient with him I had just done what most of us do and just forget about the kid thinking that he was a nut or he wasn't worth it I would have missed I great kid.

Don't discrimate shy people dude, they are easy to locate, once you find one just respect and ignore the shyness until it goes away, that won't take that long

Monday, October 18, 2010

What color is your blue?

We tend to think that the world is exactly like we see it, that our point of view is the correct and the rest of people are wrong. And doing that is completely nuts, I think the world is not even close like we recieve it, all the colors, the smells, the noise... all of that is made up by our brain.

If we could see just what it is we would see trillions of cells and atoms, a huge mass of little things connected to each other and moving all over the place. I think our brain is a filter that becomes that mass in a complex selection of colors and forms. But every brain is unique.

We have our own filter, so it's very probable that everyone of us perceieves the world in a different way, very similar because we are very similar, but our reception could have some significants and amusing diferences. For example, everybody knows that the sky is blue, the blood is red and the grass is green, that is communal to all of us.

But how do we know if my blue and your blue are the same color? Who doesn't tell you that my blue is your red? They taught us since we were little kids that the grass is green, that is universal to all of us, the perception of that color green isn't. If we switched brains for a moment we probably will flip out when we saw a red sky, green blood and blue grass for example.

How can we think we have the absolute truth when we don't even know how the world exactly is? Why is it so difficult to walk in another's shoes? Next time you think someone is an idiot and is very mistaken and you are so right and smart, or next time you see Hail Mary on the top of a mountain, just think for a moment and try to answer this question: What color is your blue?

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The magic equation

Like everyone I guess, I usually think about the third world. How is it possible for us to live in such an unequal world? All the excess of the first world and all the destitution of the third. I find amazing that most of the people asume that with normality, like if it was necesary to be this way. But who should feel sorry for who in here? In the first world our children are fat and capricious, in the third world the children are undernourished and smiling.

It's obvious that this unequal situation is a result of the colonialism and imperialism, that is very recent yet and the countries which sufered slavery or genocide couldn't develop and they fell into extrem poverty. And we live in a very competitive world where the countries compite against each other, the problem is some of them drive Ferraris and most of them ride bicycles. And yes, sure the ferraris help the bicycles sometimes... But do they do it enough?

I think every person has a couple of primarly needs that should be undeniable: Nutrition, education, medical access, clothes, security and housing. Everyone should have these needs covered. A place to live and shelter of the bad weather, clothes to wear to be protected of the cold or humidity or whatever, an education to be more peaceful and awareness of the world, food to eat and water to drink to be able to live, a medical access to be cured when they have a curable disease and protection to feel safe.

The doubt is if all this needs could be covered in this time we're living, I'm pretty sure they are. Is it ethical to live in a world of excess when there is a world of lacks right by our side? Do we really need to send all those rockets to the space in stead of building farms, schools or hospitals? Is this Ferraris and bicycles race fair? Or should we stop the race and with the materials of the Ferraris and bicycles make equal automibiles?

What result do you think this equation has? Weath/population = x

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Is it worth it?

Have you ever noticed how hard is getting successful? And being successful? If you want to catch your dreams you have to make a lot of sacrifices. Most of the athletes, actors, writers, singers...etc. always say in the interviews how hard was for them to reach their dream. And it seems true.

If you want to be more than it's expected, you have to work hard, make sacrifices, lose some experiences, for example, most of the athletes didn't have a normal adolescence, they couldn't go party like the others, they missed a lot of things because they had to train a lot. If you want to be a writer you can't go out everyday and never write, you have to write a lot, if you want to be a singer you have to sing a lot, that makes you better.

You can't complain if you are a failure and you didn't do anything to not being it. Some people find consolation in blaming something or someone else. And they may be right, if you blame an injury, the bad luck or the society you don't blame youself and you can live with yourself, but that is only that... a consolation.

When you make the sacrifices, you work hard, you take your oportunity and you become successful... What's next? Well, if you are really good at something, they will make you so famous you won't be able to live, and if you are just a regular one you probably will keep fighting to be the best, if you make it you'll be famous and won't be able to live, if you don't make it you'll feel like a failure again.

All the sacrifice, all that people left behind, all that struggle and desperation, all that time fighting and waiting your oportunity and What for? To live a life you can't live because of your gift, to be a failure because there's people better than you in your thing. At the end... Is it worth it? If you have to think the answer you have already answered.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Reactions to Sofia's airport

I took the plane in Madrid and headed to Skopje, but I had a scale in Bulgary's capital: Sofia. The plane was not full, but there was a lot of people, everything seemed normal. I took off and found myself in a small airport, really small, it was like a mall, and all the people left the mall at some point.

I had like nine hours ahead until my plane takeoff, and everybody in that airport disapeared, literally. I thought I must take a cab and go around Sofia for awhile, but as soon as I step foot outside the airport all the taxi drivers approached me thirsty of my money and I decided that Sofia could wait, I just would go to look for a bar and get myself a little drunk.

I boarded nine hours before my plane's departure and found out that the terminal of departures was even emptier than the part of the airport with the check in's desks and the disgusting taxi drivers in the door.

I found some kind of bar, it was like a beach's refreshment stall. There was a waitress not atractive, a waiter playing with a computer and a fifty year old male customer drinking a beer and using his laptop. I ordered a big beer and tried to get drunk quickly so time would past faster and the waitress would become prettier.

But when my beer was yet in its half, my plan changed. I gorgeous girl came to the bar, ordered some suspicious sandwhich and sat right by my side. That kind of thinks usually don't happen to me, for some reason I'm always surrounded by ugly people. Both of us knew we were condemned to become friends, so gane her simpathies wasn't a hard thing to do. I offered to buy her a drink, getting drunk in an empty airport seemed a better idea with a gorgeous girl than alone, but she didn't want alcohol, despite she had eleven hours ahead until her flight. The truth is she was amazing, she had this impressive Lebanon beauty, mixed with a Parisian look, spoke English, French, Arabic and she was only eighteen.

We talked to the fifty year old, I tried to begin a conversation before but he didn't pay me any atention, but when the hot chick was by my side I suddenly became the dude's best friend or something. He wouldn't stop talking, he was the couch of Netherland's national team of some sport I didn't know, the girl neither. After half an hour or so he left, I don't know where, but he kissed the girl's hand recalling her how pretty she was and gave me a look that said: I wish I was you lucky bastard!

And then we spent nine hours together in an empty airport, just me, her, a few waiters working in this almost bars they had, there were three, all of them looking exactly the same, and even more disturbing, the waiters and waitress looked the same as well, that airport was like a source of parallel dimensions and I was trapped in the midle. We boarded and unboarded like five times in the nine hours, the people in the "security control" (Mcdonald's have more security than that airport) were very amused by us going through the metal detector several times in an afternoon.

There were some Arabics around the airport and sometimes they came to talk and find an explanation about what the hell was going on in that empty airport, but we didn't have it. The funny thing is that I'm getting a lot of this lately, once in Austria I took a train with a friend and we were the only passengers, every single sit was empty, then I found myself in an empty airport for nine hours in Sofia and once in Skopje I went to a mall to watch Robin Hood and when the movie ended there was nobody in the mall, just the ones who were watching the movie. Is people avoiding me? I think they do.

Maybe the reason is that I always put ten stupid options at the end of everything I say or write, so, just to keep people away from me I will keep doing it, these are some reactions to Sofia's airport:

1/ Scream until someone came (Didn't work)

2/ Sit down and watch Mtv's videoclips (Just could endure two minutes)

3/ Beg the Holland national coach to teach me everything about his sport and make me the best player in its history (Whatever it was)

4/ Get married with the Lebanon girl (Have kids and raise them in that airport)

5/ Start a revollution in Bulgary beginning by take control of their capital's airport (Piece of cake)

6/ Get drunk and imagine that I'm with one of the prettiest women I've ever met (Done!)

7/ Ask for a eight hours in a lifetime job (That's more than you can take here in Spain)

8/ Sleep and make time go by faster (With all those Arabics around me?)

9/ Let a taxi driver rip me off and go to see Sofia (Just to check out if there was people in the streets or it was like the airport)

10/ Go every hour to take a dump to the bathroom (I don't know what happens to me in the airports man)

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I wish I was them

The world has been paralyzed lately, everybody was watching how 33 miners from a country named Chile were being rescued. I have to say I'm happy for them, know that people have survived from a tragedy is always pleasant. But honestly, I don't admire them at all... Why are they heros? All over I'm listenning how brave they are, what an example of comradeship they are, that they are heros. I don't want to be a wet blanket but... What were their options?

I'll tell you: whether heros or villein. What could they do? Or hold on and wait for the rescue like they did, or kill each other and themselves. Don't get me wrong, I'm not attacking the miners, they didn't call themselves heros after all. I'm attacking the media, it made them so famous, so brave, so heros, and now they are so screwed.

This mine's collapse is being used as a great business, for everybody but the miners. Yeah, they will win more money telling their story than would've won working their whole lives. But what's next? Will we remember any of those guys a year after the movie based on them isn't in the theaters any more? Are 33 humble miners going to asume well being madly famous for a couple weeks and then being nobody again? Does the media care about that? Do we know anything about the survivors of the plain crash in the Andes? Do we know how are they now? Do you think they are very happy people now? I heard most of them are not.

They sell us stories and we buy them like idiots, they manage us easily like they want. How come millions of people were worried for 33 miners and then hopefull and really happy for them, and those very same millions didn't give a shit of the more or less two thousand Chinese miners who died this same year? Is this coherent? Were there a lot of politicians hugging the Chinese victim's relatives like they did in Chile? Have a lot of politicians talked about and gave their support to the Chineses? Of course not, there weren't good photos and votes in China.

That's the reason why when I see this kind of things in this world we're living I just want to buried myself alive hundreds of yards under exactly like the Chilean miners were. I wish I was them!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

God damn evolution

Don't you think it's a shame that the only animal to have eventually reached rationality is the monkey? According to evolution We came from the Ape, and I find this extremely disturbing.

Just look at the monkeys, they act like idiots, totally freaks, jumping, screaming all over the place, behaving like freaking clowns. Gorillas suck as well, they are the same than monkeys but lazier because they are really fat. An let's not mention the fact that every single ape stinks. How could this retarded branch of species develop a brain fit for rational thinking? Why do shitty monkeys and not cool tigers, awesome lions, unbelievable eagles or amazing wolves have the honor?

Picture a world of highly developed felines, that would be awesome. Our sports would be way better and more spectacular. We wouldn't behave like idiots like we do, our women would be even prettier than the ones we have now (Don't look at me like that, just remember catwoman... Ok?) Felines are much cooler than apes and everybody knows it.

I'm glad to have developed a brain which allows me to think and have somewhat of a conscience about myself. But my point is that I would prefer to have a nicely sculptured feline body rather than this clumsy ape one, and that's evolution's fault. God damn it!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Don't be afraid of water

Water means life, we can't live without it. So, How come we are so afraid of it? I´ve seen people running away faster from water than from death. And I don't mean floods or whichever natural disaster related with water. I mean water.

People walking in the street happily... it starts rainning and everybody panics, you hear screams, fear, chaos... Why? Is just water my friend. I little boy or a regular idiot with a hose in his hands trying to be cool or funny splashing everybody, people around panic, run away fast as hell. I understand that getting wet if you have an appointment is something to avoid, but still dude... Run away while screaming with a look of fear in your eye? Isn't it a little bit of an exaggeration?

Don´t be afraid of water, there are a lot or worse things that can happen to you than getting wet. Regular rain doesn't kill, trust me. Next time you are walking in the street and it starts rainning just keep walking, you'll see how you survive

Monday, October 11, 2010

Things you should know about the Balkans

I made a trip around the Balkans a couple months ago. I wrote a few posts about it but then my computer decided to host some virus and I lost everything (It wasn't a big lost, just more stupid posts of mine)

The place is great, but tricky, if you are thinking to go there let me give you some tips. These are some things you should know about the Balkans:

1/ They don't like to put paper in the toilets, and if they put it they don't allow to throw it by the toilet, you have to throw it in a trash can (Those trash cans are the most disgusting thing I've seen since my neighbour passed away)

2/ Serbians love Spaniards and hate Americans and Kosovans love Americans and hate Spaniards, only depending in their goverment's politics (Serbians and Kosovans agreed in something: Both hate me)

3/ Dudes love holding hands, kissing and hugging each other... But they are anty gay people (I felt like if I was in the Little Britain's gym locker room in those countries)

4/ Tha taxi drivers are like prostitutes (I guess some things are just the same everywhere)

5/ No matter what age, all women have huge breasts in there (It would be really awesome if wasn't for those poor little girls forced to carry all that weight in their backs)

6/ If you ask to an average Balkan, he will tell you that he speaks six or seven languages when they don't speak shit (Unless knowing how to say thanks and hello makes you a language speaker)

7/ You can put effort on explaining it, but they won't understand why the fuck are you visiting their country (Every single person asked me: - Why are you here? - Just travelling around - No seriously, Why you here?)

8/ Making a reservation in a train is worthless, worse than no making it. If you don't make a reservation you can choose the best sit, if you make a reservation you have to sit aside a broken window getting yourself wet and cold (Trains there are something else, I'll talk about them pretty soon)

9/ If you go to a barber he will do all type of crazy hearcuts in your head before doing what you asked for (And laugh about it)

10/ Gipsies are accepted in their sociaety (They are obviously too backward yet)

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Magic fucking wires

Have you ever thought about how hard it is making a knot? Have you ever tried to make one and failed? Sailors and other professionals working with knots have a real difficult work, as a matter of fact.

So, there is something I can´t understand and it pisses me off. Why in lord´s name I fail every time I try to make a knot, but when I leave a couple of wires together they always coil and form a perfect profesional and impossible to untie knot?

The answer is simple: magic. You can leave wires alone for just two seconds and turn around, and when you turn back again you'll see a perfect knot. That is annoying, unfair... God bless the wireless future!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Reasons why I killed my neighbour

She was a lovely lady in her seventies who never left her home. The most she strayed away from her home was her garage, which to be fair was not within her home, but rather adjacent twenty feet from it. For years, that was the world for her, a twenty feet walk to her garage and back, in a lost village in the middle of nowhere in which she represented one percent of the population. I don´t blame her for having been a bad-tempered old witch, I will probably become her in no time if I stay here.

Our lives crossed paths many times in recent years. I like playing soccer in my yard, which has a pretty large soccer field that allows me to kick some balls around, but never in my wildest dreams I would think that my love for soccer would be lethal, and lead to an unfortunate and almost involuntary brush with murder.

The first time a ball fell in her property I just went there with a charming smile in my face and asked for my ball and forgiveness. She gave it back to me with a smile and we even chit-chatted a little. I just told her that obviously soccer is not my sport, but that I will continue trying to improve even if it is a lost cause.

The second time it happened, three minutes after the first time, the response was even kinder. I gave her a huge smile displaying all of my missing teeth and joked about how bad player I was and how practicing might be useless. The poor lady encouraged me by telling me that from her window it looked like I was a pretty good-looking player, which I was not sure how to take, but nevertheless her support encouraged me to continue playing.

The third time the ball flew over to her property she told me that I didn´t have to ring everytime my ball fell in her house, she allowed me to jump her short wall and take the ball by myself. I thought she was the best person I´ve ever met or will ever meet.

After the fourth time I noticed her husband and son building a higher wall, which kind of confused me a bit, but did not deter me from jumping anyway.

The fifth time the ball fell in her property I saw how her husband, her son and three more men starting to place barbwire on top of the higher wall. I thought they might be worried about crime in the neighborhood, as it was recently reported that a goat had gone missing. Cursing the thieves I jumped the wall and left a large piece of my favorite shorts hanging from the barbwire.

Sixth time I found myself in front of an impenetrable wall to go through so I took my very long stick with a net which I use to clean my pool and after some effort and time I took my ball back. The people who live in the house did not really like that. Looking back, I guess that is when the hostilities started.

My stick with the net was the second casualty, the first one was the ball I couldn´t get because the lady pulled the stick off of my hands from the other side of the wall while I was reaching to grab it. That was two and a half years ago. Since there I´ve lost 47 balls, that is approximately 1081 euros. It is approximately 1080 euros more than I earned with this blog in six months.

From there it went downhill, the old witch came out to her yard with one of my balls and a huge knife and stabbed it with a murderous and daring look in her face. She also burned some of them in the chimney so I could see the black smoke from my house. I believe she also fed her hens with the remnants of my burned balls. But despite her best efforts to dispose of them, most of the balls were still sprayed around her yard. She seemed to enjoy torturing me and my balls.

As a result of her many unprovoked acts of neighborly hostility, I was left with no choice but to start stalking her (that is how we roll in my village). After studying all her movements for some time, I realized she only went from the kitchen to the bedroom and back, except for the time she would detour and used the bathroom. I found it very suspicious that she never went to her living room, but I knew there had to be a good reason for it. Once I knew all her movements and routines, and taking advantage of her husband´s departure to work, I would sneak in and whack her in the head with my machete. Clean and quick.

Then I realised how stupid my plan was. If I got rid of her body (piece of cake here in the country) and took all my balls back, everybody would suspect I killed her. Now, our village CSI team has not been known for their crime solving acumen, so I think my chances here might be around fifty fifty. I could also kill her for the satisfaction of it, but sacrifice my balls in the process. That would really be a fool proof alibi when the CSI team comes around my house (Dude, you think I would kill the lovely old lady and leave all my balls there?). In case you are thinking that a bunch of balls are not worth murder, I also have a few other reasons to do away with her:

1/ She used to steal our chestnuts (Chestnuts are holy for me)

2/ She was extremly ugly and annoying (on those basis I should kill myself too)

3/ Either with me or with no one! (She dropped me after using me to feel young again, she did not succeed)

4/ She challenged me in a duel to end with the whole ball situation (We agreed to a fist fight, she had good punchs and even though her hip was damaged she showed me some good moves, but when I could hit her on the chin and knocked her down everything came very easy, with her in the floor I just kicked her in her wrinkled face more or less until she passed away)

5/ She played soccer better than me and I couldn´t take it (Soccer is clearly a female or homos game)

6/ I don´t know why I did it I just know it felt amazing (You should try it, we call it euthanasia around here)

7) I hit her with a ball in her temple (We need to find a new goal now)

8/ She was the last one left (Now I can proudly say I am a real hermit)

9/ I´m not a good drinker (She was not a good person to drink with)

10/ It was a me-or-she situation (I´m not sure she was aware of that)

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Things you do and I know because I do them too

1/ You are not learning German at nights, you just changed the channel hastily when you heard someone was entering the room while watching porn (You should try German porn)

2/ You are not concern about your girl´s bestfriend because she is very promiscuous, you are concern because she is hot and she is not being promiscuous with you (But yeah, keep saying to your girl that you guys need to help her out and put her in the right way)

3/ You don´t wash your hands after peeing unless someone else is in the room witnessing (We have to stop that nonsense)

4/ You are not brushing your teeth with your finger because you forgot your toothbrush, you just couldn´t admit to your workmate that you don´t brush your teeth after eating at work (The question is: Why do workmates always offer their toothpaste to help us to clean our teeth with our disgusting finger?)

5/ Last night´s dinner with your friends didn´t make you homesick, all the alcohol and drugs you had after the dinner did (But don´t worry, your parents or girl always believe you for some reason)

6/ You don´t have a cousin working as a singer at nights, her car didn´t break and you didn´t have to give her a ride home, and of course she doesn´t live near a very isolated park, you just were banging a prostitute in your car (A cousin singing at nights? What the hell is wrong with our excuses dude?)

7/ You don´t bring your laptop to the bathroom because you like to watch movies while you take a dump, you are jerking off with online porn (God bless Wi-Fi right?)

8/ Of course you pee in the shower my friend (All pipes join at one point, so where is the big deal?)

9/ You don´t read book´s forewords because you are lazy (They are boring anyway)

10/ You don´t like to dig holes in the midle of the night, you just murdered your annoying neighbour (Only me?)

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Fear of the third "what"

Have you ever thought about how many wars, fights, misunderstandings or tragedies could have been avoided if we weren´t afraid of the third what?

And usually is not the recipient´s fault, some people just speak in very low voice, and when you use your first what, they repeat the sentence in the same very low voice, not giving you other chance than burn your second what, but then they repeat it again in low voice and the misunderstandings appear.

If you have confident with the speaker you can yell at him or make a joke so he starts talking higher, but when you don´t have any confident with the speaker at all, you are afraid to death to say "what?" for the third time in a row, some people is even afraid of the second what, but they are pussies.

This is happening today, in your neighbourhood, in your town, right now:

Gentleman: (in low voice) ... and then you have to press the red button so it won´t explote and none of us will die in case of a nuclear fission

Coward: (did not understand) Excuse me... What was that again?

Gentleman: (same low voice) Yeah, I was saying that you have to press the red button so the power station won´t explote and none of us will get killed in case of a nuclear fission

Coward: (did not understand again) What?

Gentleman: (with a tiny higher voice) In case of an emergency refired to a fission always press the red button because if you don´t do it everybody of us will die

Coward: (did not understand yet) Ah... of course, of course, got it...

Consecuence of the cowardice: Everybody will die

I know what you are thinking, and yes, of course everybody knows perfectly that in case of a nuclear fission you always have to press the red button, It just was a metaphor. (Well, I don´t know exactly what a fission is, but it sounds bad doesn´t it?)

My advice is simple, if you have to ask more than two times do it, you are not alone, the third "what" is there to be used, it is there for you, don´t be afraid, don´t let us die.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Things I did not know

When I lived in my home town and just related with my friends of the neighbourhood, gypsies, bums, Portuguese’s sailors living in their ships, illegal Africans or the other Galician people of the city. I used to think I was a genius, that I knew everything about everything.

But when I started travelling, to meet other styles of life and a lot of different people, I understood I was and I am really ignorant. I was living in a bubble, sadly that happens to a lot of people, the problem is not everybody realizes it and just think they know everything about everything. Just in case you are an ignorant like me. I want to share some knowledge with you that I have learned a bit ago. These are some things that I didn’t know:

1/ Hens don’t need to be fucked by cocks to have eggs, eggs are hen’s menstruation (Living in the country has given me a lot of knowledge hasn’t it?)

2/ The constellations are different depending of the hemisphere you are in. In the hemisphere south they can’t see the Ursa Major or the Usra Minor because they don’t exist in there (So girls, if you go to some country below the equator and some dude starts telling you about the Ursas just know he is full of shit)

3/ Comoros, Djibouti, Marshall Islands, Nauru, Palau, Saint Kitts and Nevis, Tuvalu and Vanuatu are real countries (I think I’m going to them Would you?)

4/ There are independentce movements in Texas, they want their own country (I don’t see what the problem is for the other 49 States)

5/ If you sing or talk to a cow she would give you better milk because that takes away their stress (Watching old women singing and talking to their cows gives me stress)

6/ Writing agressive comments in blogs or newspapers is the best substitute of sex (Masturbation still works though)

7/ There are a level of Gothic people where they go to a cemetery, look for someone’s grave and sleep the night over it to get an advice of that particular person. And they have top graves; some people’s graves are better than others according to them (Don’t ask me why I know that please, but my back is killing me)

8/ There is a place around Siberia where in one mile you are in a day and in the next mile you are one day and 23 hours ahead (I have never understood why we have different times though Why don’t have the same hour in the whole world? I don’t give a shit if my 3am for example is full of sunshine)

9/ The poorest billion people on earth create as much negative environmental impact as the richest billion (The difference is the first billion do it for fun and the second billion to survive)

10/ There are countries where everyone knows who the mafiosos are and everyone knows who the corrupt politicians are but there are no laws to stop them (That is funny for me, and that’s why I’m going to live in Kosovo for awhile)

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Reasons why you are reading this

I´m sorry I interrupted your busy day. Since I started putting comments in newspapers webs to bring people here I´m finding out a lot of things. A lot of people follow stupid comments, and even more worrying: A lot of people read the comments in the newspapers webs. Really? I have a sad existence, but dude, go to the comments, read them, follow them, reply them and even get involve in discussions? That´s sad (Yeah, sure, they should write a lame blog nobody reads or likes and spend 30 minutes per day putting spams, that is not sad)

At this point I should explain what is this blog about. We have 4 types of posts:

Ways/ This type talks about ways of doing things and ways of dealing with miseries and weird situations. For example, one is about how to say No to going to a mass.

Things/ This kind is the worst, it talks about different things that I like, hate or whatever the drugs make me write.

Reasons/ Well, you are in one of those right now. I explain things I do or witness, I don´t know why yet.

Reactions/ I use these ones to redeem myself of stupid reactions to stupid situations that I usually live. I´m awful at reactions.

Then we also have some entries of such thing as an Alter Ego. Some dude sends me entries sometimes, I find that interesting, funny and worrying, so I add some tips inside brackets and then post them.

And that is pretty much it. I am not selling you anything, I´m just giving you the oportunity of choosing. I have shown you the existence of this blog, now you choose if you stay or leave. And yes, I write like a retarded, that is why I´m a retarded and from Spain. So yes, you have been reading something written by a fucking Spaniard. I´m sorry for you, but relax, is not completly your fault, your life may be good after all. These are the reasons why you are reading this:

1/ You are a kind person who spends his time reading blogs all over the internet because you think real writers are overrated. You like to help and impruve the skills of new anonymous writers by leaving instructive comments on their posts (You need to get a life sucker)

2/ You are learning English and you are basically reading everything you find in this language (Keep searching then)

3/ You were just reading the news in the NY post and for some reason you went down to the comments, you followed one and ended up here reading this (You have to stop following random comments dude, look at you now. How could you get over this awful experience?)

4/ You are my mom (Hi mom, How are you?)

5/ You always go wherever the comments in the news send you (If I did that I would be surrounded by feeces)

6/ You are one of my ex-girlfriends tracking me out in the internet (Wow, you must be really ugly then)

7/You are a crazy human being full of hate and you like going through people blogs and leave agressive comments to feel better (I guess there is two of us now, I love that shit)

8/ You are in prison and the gardian punished you (My humble advice: Go back to the showers)

9/ You are a completly idiot who doesn´t have very much to do with his life (You should write a blog)

10/ You are a cop investigating me for pederast after someone told you about the things I say in this blog (I swear he seemed to like it)

Ways of reaching salvation

If you have been reading any of my blogs at this point you probably already realize that I’m a complete idiot. But please don’t confuse this clearly obvious fact with a lack of self-esteem on my part.

The reality is that I have above average insight into my own stupidity, which makes me actually a pretty unique individual. Trust me, I see stupidity around me on a daily basis on people that simply don’t see it in themselves. They live in this kind of delusional state in which they see themselves almost on the same pedestal as the imaginary God they worship.

So since we are on this topic, let’s talk about God for a little while. I’m starting to get to an age where I can no longer afford to ignore religion anymore. If you have read any of my previous entries, you probably realize too that I might not have much longer to live. My own stupidity is likely to do me in sooner or later. Whether it is drowning myself accidentally while trying to drink a glass of water too fast, or simply forgetting to wake up one morning, I’m starting to feel some existential anxiety about what is going to happen to me once I die.

For this reason I entered a journey of discovery to find the one true religion before it is too late. The last thing that I want to do is to miss out on some grand price after death just because of ignorance and stupidity. Heck, if I’m not getting laid in life, I might as well hope for seventy-two virgins waiting for me once I move to the other side. With my luck, that is exactly what is going to happen, I will choose wrong and then be stuck watching how some other lucky dog fools around with the virgins.

But what if there is a good reason those seventy-two ladies are virgins? Or what if during my mid life crisis I decide I’m gay, will I get seventy-two dudes? These are really hard questions to answer. So for the sake of argument, let’s just say that Islam is a bunch of crap and Christianity is the real one? I can just picture myself in front of God asking him for the seventy-two virgins, begging to access heaven to see if they are waiting for me there. If God actually reads my blogs I might as well head straight to hell without talking to him. But then I wonder, what if the true religion is some kind of obscure religion developed in some remote village in Asia? I’m too lazy to actually do any research in this area, it is like a sinister lottery the way I see it.

You have dozens of religions to pick from, and all of them are completely nonsense except for one, but which one? Should I become a Mormon, sometimes I wonder, that Joseph Smith guy just sounds like a really cool dude, one of us really, and I could go for the whole polygamy thing too, so maybe I should become a fundamentalist Mormon. Or maybe scientology is the way to go. It is pretty cool to think that my spirit could be immortal, or pretty scary if you consider that I might just keep writing this blog for all eternity…

To be honest, I think I’m doomed whatever I do. With my luck, the chances that I will pick the right religion to follow are closed to zero, which means that it is highly likely that I would end up following some type of nonsensensical religion to begin with. But now that I think about it, there is even a more disturbing possibility out there. What if the true religion is yet to be discovered? Really, more than a true religion what human kind is searching for is a satisfying explanation about the origin of life and its purpose.

If we look at it this way, hasn’t science long past religion as a more sensible explanation for some aspects of our existence? The theory of evolution might or might not be true, but it surely makes more sense and has more scientific support than any alternative explanation at this point. So for now, I think this lazy idiot is just going to wait for science to do all the work for me, and you should pray that my spirit is not eternal because I might just keep writing nonsense for eternity.

Eternity sounds like a long, long time, too much for my taste. Could I wait for science to do my work while petting my balls on and on just waiting for death? Well, yeah, maybe... I can, but that is just because I am really lazy. The truth is I am so lazy that I only have sex during earthquakes (yeah, you wish)

The thing is that I write this blog for you, not for me (once again... yeah, you wish) I really care about you, whoever is reading this lame crap. Let´s be honest, my soul has sailed, I’m already fucked, but you, you my friend, you still have time, you can still be saved, and that’s the reason why I made some research just for you. Here are some foolproof ways of reaching salvation:

1/ Get into Christianity. Study about the hippy Jew. Eat his flesh. Sing his songs. Pray his prayers. Give him money to light some candles, get new bibles and more comfortable sits in church, perhaps better wine. Give them some more money to feed priests, nuns, monks, archbishops, abbots, abbes, cardinals, popes and basically all of Vatican’s population and some more religious workers we don’t even know exist. Sure, they will make you feel guilty about being alive, remind you at every step of all your sins, real or imagined, past or present (how the fuck is it my fault that Adam ate the damn apple?), but if you find the right priest he might offer you salvation (if you suck hard enough).

2/Fuck gentiles and join the only real religion. Judeism of course... They are rich, they have lots of money, savings in the bank and they even... well... some of them are actually quite funny, mostly because they make fun of themselves... Ok, let’s face it, the odds of Judaism leading to salvation are quite long, but who cares if you go out in style (like by hitting your head against the wall a tad to strongly).

3/ You can always embrace Islam. I honestly think this is the most committed religion. It is a religion of peace if you are not an infidel, in which case you deserve to be beheaded. I find such passion very appealing, there are no halfway measures here, you live life to the fullest, and then death brings an eternity of orgasmic pleasures (How long do you think it takes to give it to all seventy-two virgins? I’m guessing about 48 hours, tops, not trying to brag, I made the math. Every male and lesbian should strongly consider this religion).

4/Sign in for Hinduism and discover a brand new world of craziness. There are a lot of types, but the most important thing you should know is they have reencarnation. If you want to reborn as a different person this is your religion (Budism would be my favorite brand, except for the fact that I could only be reborn as an inferior being, there is no way but down for me, so not very appealing…)

5/ Confucianism and Taoism. Don’t choose these ones, they are bullshit, they would respect too much your opinion, your life style, other religions... The true religion can’t be so soft, you need some blood on your hands to have any real chance at Salvation (anything less is just a lack of commitment).

6/ Then you’d have a lot of different folk religions around the world, impossible choosing one, not just because they are so many but because they are completely insane (And let’s be honest, God doesn’t seem to care too much about them, just take a look at your friends the Native Americans)

7/ Mormonism, I personally love this one. Some yank thought one day that he didn’t like Christianity and decided to extract his own religion from it adding some smart things like poligamy, tough taxes, and traveling missions. It is hard not to root for Mormonism as the true religion (unless you are not American, of course, and then you probably think those people are just smoking crack).

8/ Scientology can be a safe call. No one could believe such an insane thing if it wasn’t true. And it is one of the most expensive if not the most, which clearly serves as proof of its veracity. You won’t get into Heaven for free pal, so you better start saving if you want to save your soul (they really one upped the Mormons on this one, this is American capitalism at its best).

9/You can always join homosexualism. They have great fun outfits, they make cool parades, they have good jobs, they are good looking, they are more everyday, and even though they walk weird and they have some disgusting and painful rituals they seem to be happy (What? It is not a religion? Damn, I shouldn’t have made that deep research of this topic I guess)

10/ Forget about everything and just join a sect, but not just any sect, join the reptilians, they are awesome. They believe in cloning themselves and then put their memories inside the clones, they think they are extraterrestrials, and the greatest thing, they thing that the people that lead our world are reptiles undercover manipulating us in order to exterminate us or whatever (David Icke is the man! You won’t reach salvation, but you are going to have a lot of fun trying to unmask all these reptiles like Obama, Queen of England or Kris Kristofferson)

After deep thought, I have made my decision, but I won’t try to poison your mind or influence your decision by offering it to you. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be saved, my reasoning is fool proof, and I think you might have a good chance at salvation as well, just have faith my friend.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Ways of hurting myself

As a matter of fact I am stupid. I always choose the wrong ways of behaving and I suffer it physically. These are some ways of hurting myself:

1/ I was going to take a plane. They gave me the ticket in the check-in desk, then I had to put my passport back in my backpack, to do so, I had to hold the ticket with my mouth. And then, when I put the passport in its place and I wanted to take the ticket off my mouth, I found out the ticket was stuck in my lip. I tried to take it off but couldn't, it wasn't coming off. Finally, after a few tough seconds I decided to pull very hard and it came off. But my lip started bleeding (I did not find it funny, people around did)

2/ I was going to sleep. I dropped myself on my bed very tired and my head crashed with the wall (I had a rough time to falling sleep that night)

3/ Someone told me: - Do not touch that, it is very hot. I touched that and got burned (Not the only want right?)

4/ I went to the movies to watch "Stardust" (I'm still recovering from the damages)

5/ I tried to impress a group of females by jumping from I high bridge to the sea (It came I did not have the skills to impress them or jumping)

6/ Someone told me: - If you don't know how to use a skate you should not go down there. I went down there and even more down than down there (Lot of wounds from this particularly one)

7/ For some reason I thought going through the stairs skipping two steps every step was a fun thing to do (I was mistaken)

8/ I had sunblock. I just thought I was to cool to put sunblock on. I got sunburned in several places (I looked like a disgusting fucking English or German in Marbella for a couple weeks)

9/ It seems like is very difficult for me to put my penis through the pant's zipper to pee (understand what you want)

10/ I am so lazy I wanted to cut my nails so short so they would last to grow and I wouldn't have to cut them again soon. Not my best idea (Did you know you can bleed by your nails?)

Friday, August 13, 2010

Reactions to taking a photo to a demanding couple

I miss the past. Earth is turning on too fast. Do you remember ten years ago when people just go out with a wallet and keys? Now everything has changed, today we are some kind of videogame’s character going around full of items. I don’t know in America, but here in Spain most of guys are using purses (They call them big wallets, but believe me, they are purses)

I go around and all I see is people manipulating their cell phones, I go to a concert and all I see is people taping the concert. You are already watching it! Why the fuck do you need to tape it? Enjoy it bitch! (If you can enjoy Spanish singers…) I think people don’t live anymore, they tape life to watch it at home, to show it. They need to show, we have to prove everything in this edge:

- Have you been in the concert last night?

- Yes, I have

- If that’s true prove it! Show me you were there! Where is your video mother fucking liar?!

I watch on TV a journalist with his camera and his microphone in the street and all I see is people behind him taping him… Why do you guys do that? They have a better camera, a pro camera. If you want the video watch it in your TV, don’t tape his back with your disgusting cheap mobile.

When I was a boy if I watched myself in a TV I would freak out. That was cool, if I went to a mall and there were those cameras taping everything connected to a monitor I would spend the whole day putting faces and being on air… But now, for today kids being on TV is as normal as breathing. Everything is taped, their whole life is taped, being on TV is not a big deal, you don’t see kids putting faces to mall’s cameras anymore. And that is very sad.

And finally, approaching to today’s point. Do you remember when couples used to ask you to take them a photo, you take the photo, they say thank you, you say you are welcome, they say goodbye, and you leave? That was life uh? Now this is completely impossible, everybody must be an almost professional photographer. I swear when I had to take a photo to someone I always did my best. But since they were those cameras you had to wait a couple days to see your photos whether I did it well or wrong it didn’t matter… How I miss those cameras!

Now when someone asks you to take a photo is like a surprise exam. You know you have to do it well, because that someone is going to check in his camera your work, and more than this: He is going to mark you, you are going to pass or fail. Indifference is not an option.

So, there I was, in a pretty touristic Galician place, beautiful Celts historical remains. A thirty year old couple approached me and asked me if I could take them a photo, I said yes. They hugged, showed me their love stills alive and I took the photo. Then I gave them back their digital camera and thought I was done. I was mistaken. This is what happened:

I give them back the camera and start walking away. The probably not good fucked girlfriend sees my picture in her camera. Her face says she doesn’t like it. She shows it to her probably tiny dick boyfriend and his face says he doesn’t like it. He calls me. I turn:

Boyfriend: Excuse me sir… Could you take us another picture please? This one seems to be a little bit moved…

Me: Oh, I’m sorry… Thought it was okay… Sure I can, give it to me

Girlfriend: Thank you a lot… It was pretty moved though

I take the camera. They pose showing me their love again. I put effort on my work: I assure myself they are in the centre of the picture, that behind them is the Celt’s stuff, that some sky is in the target too… In resume, I take and awesome photo. I give the camera back to the man this time. He sees the picture. His face says he doesn’t know what to think. He shows his girlfriend. Her face says she doesn’t like it.

Girlfriend: This one is moved as well honey…

Me: Is it?

Boyfriend: Yeah man, sorry… You have to be careful, this camera is very sensitive, try again please

Me: Ok, give it to me

I take the camera. I put a lot of effort this time. More effort than I put in anything in my whole life. Couple in the middle, hugged as always, smiling as always, sky on top, Celt’s stuff behind, even I recall a fucking bird around. I take one of the best pictures ever taken. The boyfriend comes to me as soon as I finished and he takes the camera off my hands. He sees the picture. His face is unreadable. He shows his girlfriend. Her face says she is pissed.

Girlfriend: Is this a joke?

Me: Excuse me?

Girlfriend: This picture is awful, just awful… Honey, are you seeing this? It’s awful…

Me: Are you sure? It seemed perfectly fine to me

Boyfriend: Bub, this picture is fucked up… Have a look

He gives me the camera back. I see the picture I just took. It looks like a perfectly normal picture, not moved, centered, both are with a nice gesture, it is great photo.

Me: What seems to be the problem? I find this picture really cool

Girlfriend laughs cynically being insulted. She looks to her boyfriend looking for male protection.

Boyfriend: Take us another one and let’s get over it already

Me: Okay…

Once again I put a lot of effort in the thing. I take care of every little detail and then I push the button. I look the picture carefully before give the camera back. The photo is good. I give the camera to the girlfriend expecting a thank you and a good bye. She sees the picture with an angry look. She looks at me very mad.

Girlfriend: You are enjoying this aren’t you? Is this how you have fun around this place? Honey! Look at this crap!

The boyfriend sees the picture. He and I know the photo is perfectly fine but since he is a short dick piece of shit without personality he pretends he is mad at me.

Boyfriend: Is that difficult for you to take a properly picture pal? Are you seven years old?

Me: I’m sorry I’m not a professional photographer… I think all the pictures I took are perfectly fine though

Girlfriend: Your pictures are shit and you know it (And yes, here the girlfriend crossed the line that divides me in a good and a bad person)

Me: Are they shit uh?

Girlfriend: Worst piece of shit pictures I’ve ever seen

Me: Okay… Brad and Angie… I did my best, but maybe the material I’m working with is weak Didn’t you think in that possibility? That maybe the pictures are awful because you guys are an ugly couple, a really ugly couple… And of course, it’s very difficult to take a good picture to a pregnant woman…

Girlfriend: I am not… How dare are you scumbag?

Me: I’m sorry you are a two. One point for each breast, that’s the only thing that saves you. For the rest, you have a really fat ass, huge ass, fat tummy, you are actually fatty everywhere… Your face is ugly, big nose, bad made up, your eyebrows are gone Why fatties like you always take away the eyebrows? Do you really think that makes you look thinner? You are wrong! (She wasn’t that fat, she actually was a five or a six, the classic woman a little bit overweighed with great teats and a cute face, but you know, I was pissed)

The girlfriend looks to her boyfriend expecting a defense. The boyfriend tries to defend his girlfriend. I get ready to run because the boyfriend can easily beat me.

Boyfriend: You are a piece of shit, even more than your fucking pictures! Do you have mirrors at home? Because you are the ugliest bastard here

Me: Does it mean I have a chance with your girl then? Because she is clearly into ugly dudes… Your nose is huge and disgusting, I can see hairs coming out of it and that repulses me. You are bald, with huge eyebrows… Did she lend you hers or what?

The boyfriend gets aggressive and his girlfriend holds him.

Girlfriend: Let’s go honey, he doesn’t worth our time, he worth a shit.

They leave and I go back to the people I was with. They ask me where I was. I tell them my story. They laugh at me and make fun of me. I think I reacted like and idiot. These are better reactions to taking a photo to an exigent couple:

1/ Be patient and keep taking them photos until they were satisfied (Let’s be honest, my photos stunk)

2/ Explain to them I’m doing my best and that they can not be so demanding with random photographers like myself (What was all that shit about? What did they expect? A fucking Marie Claire cover?)

3/ Ask to another person to take them the bloody photo (Don’t let him go until I found the photo really good taken)

4/ Approach the woman while she was mad, give her a really wet kiss and run away (I liked her)

5/Take just photos of the woman’s breast (That’s pretty much what I did)

6/ Run away with their camera and never go back (I need to practise my photo’s skills)

7/ Smash the camera into pieces in front of their demanding faces (Complain about the low quality of their disgusting fucking camera)

8/ Through the camera to their faces causing them bleeding wounds (Their huge noses would have stopped the hit without problems. There are a lot of couples with huge noses don’t you think? I just leave it there)

9/ Take photos of my cock while they were looking to the other way (Then they will know what a good picture is)

10/ Take a Celtic’s sword and decapitate them. Then set their heads and their bodies according to my taste and take a great professional photo (Would have been funny putting her head over his body and vice versa)