Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Ways of reaching salvation

If you have been reading any of my blogs at this point you probably already realize that I’m a complete idiot. But please don’t confuse this clearly obvious fact with a lack of self-esteem on my part.

The reality is that I have above average insight into my own stupidity, which makes me actually a pretty unique individual. Trust me, I see stupidity around me on a daily basis on people that simply don’t see it in themselves. They live in this kind of delusional state in which they see themselves almost on the same pedestal as the imaginary God they worship.

So since we are on this topic, let’s talk about God for a little while. I’m starting to get to an age where I can no longer afford to ignore religion anymore. If you have read any of my previous entries, you probably realize too that I might not have much longer to live. My own stupidity is likely to do me in sooner or later. Whether it is drowning myself accidentally while trying to drink a glass of water too fast, or simply forgetting to wake up one morning, I’m starting to feel some existential anxiety about what is going to happen to me once I die.

For this reason I entered a journey of discovery to find the one true religion before it is too late. The last thing that I want to do is to miss out on some grand price after death just because of ignorance and stupidity. Heck, if I’m not getting laid in life, I might as well hope for seventy-two virgins waiting for me once I move to the other side. With my luck, that is exactly what is going to happen, I will choose wrong and then be stuck watching how some other lucky dog fools around with the virgins.

But what if there is a good reason those seventy-two ladies are virgins? Or what if during my mid life crisis I decide I’m gay, will I get seventy-two dudes? These are really hard questions to answer. So for the sake of argument, let’s just say that Islam is a bunch of crap and Christianity is the real one? I can just picture myself in front of God asking him for the seventy-two virgins, begging to access heaven to see if they are waiting for me there. If God actually reads my blogs I might as well head straight to hell without talking to him. But then I wonder, what if the true religion is some kind of obscure religion developed in some remote village in Asia? I’m too lazy to actually do any research in this area, it is like a sinister lottery the way I see it.

You have dozens of religions to pick from, and all of them are completely nonsense except for one, but which one? Should I become a Mormon, sometimes I wonder, that Joseph Smith guy just sounds like a really cool dude, one of us really, and I could go for the whole polygamy thing too, so maybe I should become a fundamentalist Mormon. Or maybe scientology is the way to go. It is pretty cool to think that my spirit could be immortal, or pretty scary if you consider that I might just keep writing this blog for all eternity…

To be honest, I think I’m doomed whatever I do. With my luck, the chances that I will pick the right religion to follow are closed to zero, which means that it is highly likely that I would end up following some type of nonsensensical religion to begin with. But now that I think about it, there is even a more disturbing possibility out there. What if the true religion is yet to be discovered? Really, more than a true religion what human kind is searching for is a satisfying explanation about the origin of life and its purpose.

If we look at it this way, hasn’t science long past religion as a more sensible explanation for some aspects of our existence? The theory of evolution might or might not be true, but it surely makes more sense and has more scientific support than any alternative explanation at this point. So for now, I think this lazy idiot is just going to wait for science to do all the work for me, and you should pray that my spirit is not eternal because I might just keep writing nonsense for eternity.

Eternity sounds like a long, long time, too much for my taste. Could I wait for science to do my work while petting my balls on and on just waiting for death? Well, yeah, maybe... I can, but that is just because I am really lazy. The truth is I am so lazy that I only have sex during earthquakes (yeah, you wish)

The thing is that I write this blog for you, not for me (once again... yeah, you wish) I really care about you, whoever is reading this lame crap. Let´s be honest, my soul has sailed, I’m already fucked, but you, you my friend, you still have time, you can still be saved, and that’s the reason why I made some research just for you. Here are some foolproof ways of reaching salvation:

1/ Get into Christianity. Study about the hippy Jew. Eat his flesh. Sing his songs. Pray his prayers. Give him money to light some candles, get new bibles and more comfortable sits in church, perhaps better wine. Give them some more money to feed priests, nuns, monks, archbishops, abbots, abbes, cardinals, popes and basically all of Vatican’s population and some more religious workers we don’t even know exist. Sure, they will make you feel guilty about being alive, remind you at every step of all your sins, real or imagined, past or present (how the fuck is it my fault that Adam ate the damn apple?), but if you find the right priest he might offer you salvation (if you suck hard enough).

2/Fuck gentiles and join the only real religion. Judeism of course... They are rich, they have lots of money, savings in the bank and they even... well... some of them are actually quite funny, mostly because they make fun of themselves... Ok, let’s face it, the odds of Judaism leading to salvation are quite long, but who cares if you go out in style (like by hitting your head against the wall a tad to strongly).

3/ You can always embrace Islam. I honestly think this is the most committed religion. It is a religion of peace if you are not an infidel, in which case you deserve to be beheaded. I find such passion very appealing, there are no halfway measures here, you live life to the fullest, and then death brings an eternity of orgasmic pleasures (How long do you think it takes to give it to all seventy-two virgins? I’m guessing about 48 hours, tops, not trying to brag, I made the math. Every male and lesbian should strongly consider this religion).

4/Sign in for Hinduism and discover a brand new world of craziness. There are a lot of types, but the most important thing you should know is they have reencarnation. If you want to reborn as a different person this is your religion (Budism would be my favorite brand, except for the fact that I could only be reborn as an inferior being, there is no way but down for me, so not very appealing…)

5/ Confucianism and Taoism. Don’t choose these ones, they are bullshit, they would respect too much your opinion, your life style, other religions... The true religion can’t be so soft, you need some blood on your hands to have any real chance at Salvation (anything less is just a lack of commitment).

6/ Then you’d have a lot of different folk religions around the world, impossible choosing one, not just because they are so many but because they are completely insane (And let’s be honest, God doesn’t seem to care too much about them, just take a look at your friends the Native Americans)

7/ Mormonism, I personally love this one. Some yank thought one day that he didn’t like Christianity and decided to extract his own religion from it adding some smart things like poligamy, tough taxes, and traveling missions. It is hard not to root for Mormonism as the true religion (unless you are not American, of course, and then you probably think those people are just smoking crack).

8/ Scientology can be a safe call. No one could believe such an insane thing if it wasn’t true. And it is one of the most expensive if not the most, which clearly serves as proof of its veracity. You won’t get into Heaven for free pal, so you better start saving if you want to save your soul (they really one upped the Mormons on this one, this is American capitalism at its best).

9/You can always join homosexualism. They have great fun outfits, they make cool parades, they have good jobs, they are good looking, they are more everyday, and even though they walk weird and they have some disgusting and painful rituals they seem to be happy (What? It is not a religion? Damn, I shouldn’t have made that deep research of this topic I guess)

10/ Forget about everything and just join a sect, but not just any sect, join the reptilians, they are awesome. They believe in cloning themselves and then put their memories inside the clones, they think they are extraterrestrials, and the greatest thing, they thing that the people that lead our world are reptiles undercover manipulating us in order to exterminate us or whatever (David Icke is the man! You won’t reach salvation, but you are going to have a lot of fun trying to unmask all these reptiles like Obama, Queen of England or Kris Kristofferson)

After deep thought, I have made my decision, but I won’t try to poison your mind or influence your decision by offering it to you. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be saved, my reasoning is fool proof, and I think you might have a good chance at salvation as well, just have faith my friend.

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