Friday, August 13, 2010

Reactions to taking a photo to a demanding couple

I miss the past. Earth is turning on too fast. Do you remember ten years ago when people just go out with a wallet and keys? Now everything has changed, today we are some kind of videogame’s character going around full of items. I don’t know in America, but here in Spain most of guys are using purses (They call them big wallets, but believe me, they are purses)

I go around and all I see is people manipulating their cell phones, I go to a concert and all I see is people taping the concert. You are already watching it! Why the fuck do you need to tape it? Enjoy it bitch! (If you can enjoy Spanish singers…) I think people don’t live anymore, they tape life to watch it at home, to show it. They need to show, we have to prove everything in this edge:

- Have you been in the concert last night?

- Yes, I have

- If that’s true prove it! Show me you were there! Where is your video mother fucking liar?!

I watch on TV a journalist with his camera and his microphone in the street and all I see is people behind him taping him… Why do you guys do that? They have a better camera, a pro camera. If you want the video watch it in your TV, don’t tape his back with your disgusting cheap mobile.

When I was a boy if I watched myself in a TV I would freak out. That was cool, if I went to a mall and there were those cameras taping everything connected to a monitor I would spend the whole day putting faces and being on air… But now, for today kids being on TV is as normal as breathing. Everything is taped, their whole life is taped, being on TV is not a big deal, you don’t see kids putting faces to mall’s cameras anymore. And that is very sad.

And finally, approaching to today’s point. Do you remember when couples used to ask you to take them a photo, you take the photo, they say thank you, you say you are welcome, they say goodbye, and you leave? That was life uh? Now this is completely impossible, everybody must be an almost professional photographer. I swear when I had to take a photo to someone I always did my best. But since they were those cameras you had to wait a couple days to see your photos whether I did it well or wrong it didn’t matter… How I miss those cameras!

Now when someone asks you to take a photo is like a surprise exam. You know you have to do it well, because that someone is going to check in his camera your work, and more than this: He is going to mark you, you are going to pass or fail. Indifference is not an option.

So, there I was, in a pretty touristic Galician place, beautiful Celts historical remains. A thirty year old couple approached me and asked me if I could take them a photo, I said yes. They hugged, showed me their love stills alive and I took the photo. Then I gave them back their digital camera and thought I was done. I was mistaken. This is what happened:

I give them back the camera and start walking away. The probably not good fucked girlfriend sees my picture in her camera. Her face says she doesn’t like it. She shows it to her probably tiny dick boyfriend and his face says he doesn’t like it. He calls me. I turn:

Boyfriend: Excuse me sir… Could you take us another picture please? This one seems to be a little bit moved…

Me: Oh, I’m sorry… Thought it was okay… Sure I can, give it to me

Girlfriend: Thank you a lot… It was pretty moved though

I take the camera. They pose showing me their love again. I put effort on my work: I assure myself they are in the centre of the picture, that behind them is the Celt’s stuff, that some sky is in the target too… In resume, I take and awesome photo. I give the camera back to the man this time. He sees the picture. His face says he doesn’t know what to think. He shows his girlfriend. Her face says she doesn’t like it.

Girlfriend: This one is moved as well honey…

Me: Is it?

Boyfriend: Yeah man, sorry… You have to be careful, this camera is very sensitive, try again please

Me: Ok, give it to me

I take the camera. I put a lot of effort this time. More effort than I put in anything in my whole life. Couple in the middle, hugged as always, smiling as always, sky on top, Celt’s stuff behind, even I recall a fucking bird around. I take one of the best pictures ever taken. The boyfriend comes to me as soon as I finished and he takes the camera off my hands. He sees the picture. His face is unreadable. He shows his girlfriend. Her face says she is pissed.

Girlfriend: Is this a joke?

Me: Excuse me?

Girlfriend: This picture is awful, just awful… Honey, are you seeing this? It’s awful…

Me: Are you sure? It seemed perfectly fine to me

Boyfriend: Bub, this picture is fucked up… Have a look

He gives me the camera back. I see the picture I just took. It looks like a perfectly normal picture, not moved, centered, both are with a nice gesture, it is great photo.

Me: What seems to be the problem? I find this picture really cool

Girlfriend laughs cynically being insulted. She looks to her boyfriend looking for male protection.

Boyfriend: Take us another one and let’s get over it already

Me: Okay…

Once again I put a lot of effort in the thing. I take care of every little detail and then I push the button. I look the picture carefully before give the camera back. The photo is good. I give the camera to the girlfriend expecting a thank you and a good bye. She sees the picture with an angry look. She looks at me very mad.

Girlfriend: You are enjoying this aren’t you? Is this how you have fun around this place? Honey! Look at this crap!

The boyfriend sees the picture. He and I know the photo is perfectly fine but since he is a short dick piece of shit without personality he pretends he is mad at me.

Boyfriend: Is that difficult for you to take a properly picture pal? Are you seven years old?

Me: I’m sorry I’m not a professional photographer… I think all the pictures I took are perfectly fine though

Girlfriend: Your pictures are shit and you know it (And yes, here the girlfriend crossed the line that divides me in a good and a bad person)

Me: Are they shit uh?

Girlfriend: Worst piece of shit pictures I’ve ever seen

Me: Okay… Brad and Angie… I did my best, but maybe the material I’m working with is weak Didn’t you think in that possibility? That maybe the pictures are awful because you guys are an ugly couple, a really ugly couple… And of course, it’s very difficult to take a good picture to a pregnant woman…

Girlfriend: I am not… How dare are you scumbag?

Me: I’m sorry you are a two. One point for each breast, that’s the only thing that saves you. For the rest, you have a really fat ass, huge ass, fat tummy, you are actually fatty everywhere… Your face is ugly, big nose, bad made up, your eyebrows are gone Why fatties like you always take away the eyebrows? Do you really think that makes you look thinner? You are wrong! (She wasn’t that fat, she actually was a five or a six, the classic woman a little bit overweighed with great teats and a cute face, but you know, I was pissed)

The girlfriend looks to her boyfriend expecting a defense. The boyfriend tries to defend his girlfriend. I get ready to run because the boyfriend can easily beat me.

Boyfriend: You are a piece of shit, even more than your fucking pictures! Do you have mirrors at home? Because you are the ugliest bastard here

Me: Does it mean I have a chance with your girl then? Because she is clearly into ugly dudes… Your nose is huge and disgusting, I can see hairs coming out of it and that repulses me. You are bald, with huge eyebrows… Did she lend you hers or what?

The boyfriend gets aggressive and his girlfriend holds him.

Girlfriend: Let’s go honey, he doesn’t worth our time, he worth a shit.

They leave and I go back to the people I was with. They ask me where I was. I tell them my story. They laugh at me and make fun of me. I think I reacted like and idiot. These are better reactions to taking a photo to an exigent couple:

1/ Be patient and keep taking them photos until they were satisfied (Let’s be honest, my photos stunk)

2/ Explain to them I’m doing my best and that they can not be so demanding with random photographers like myself (What was all that shit about? What did they expect? A fucking Marie Claire cover?)

3/ Ask to another person to take them the bloody photo (Don’t let him go until I found the photo really good taken)

4/ Approach the woman while she was mad, give her a really wet kiss and run away (I liked her)

5/Take just photos of the woman’s breast (That’s pretty much what I did)

6/ Run away with their camera and never go back (I need to practise my photo’s skills)

7/ Smash the camera into pieces in front of their demanding faces (Complain about the low quality of their disgusting fucking camera)

8/ Through the camera to their faces causing them bleeding wounds (Their huge noses would have stopped the hit without problems. There are a lot of couples with huge noses don’t you think? I just leave it there)

9/ Take photos of my cock while they were looking to the other way (Then they will know what a good picture is)

10/ Take a Celtic’s sword and decapitate them. Then set their heads and their bodies according to my taste and take a great professional photo (Would have been funny putting her head over his body and vice versa)

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