Sunday, October 3, 2010

Reasons why I killed my neighbour

She was a lovely lady in her seventies who never left her home. The most she strayed away from her home was her garage, which to be fair was not within her home, but rather adjacent twenty feet from it. For years, that was the world for her, a twenty feet walk to her garage and back, in a lost village in the middle of nowhere in which she represented one percent of the population. I don´t blame her for having been a bad-tempered old witch, I will probably become her in no time if I stay here.

Our lives crossed paths many times in recent years. I like playing soccer in my yard, which has a pretty large soccer field that allows me to kick some balls around, but never in my wildest dreams I would think that my love for soccer would be lethal, and lead to an unfortunate and almost involuntary brush with murder.

The first time a ball fell in her property I just went there with a charming smile in my face and asked for my ball and forgiveness. She gave it back to me with a smile and we even chit-chatted a little. I just told her that obviously soccer is not my sport, but that I will continue trying to improve even if it is a lost cause.

The second time it happened, three minutes after the first time, the response was even kinder. I gave her a huge smile displaying all of my missing teeth and joked about how bad player I was and how practicing might be useless. The poor lady encouraged me by telling me that from her window it looked like I was a pretty good-looking player, which I was not sure how to take, but nevertheless her support encouraged me to continue playing.

The third time the ball flew over to her property she told me that I didn´t have to ring everytime my ball fell in her house, she allowed me to jump her short wall and take the ball by myself. I thought she was the best person I´ve ever met or will ever meet.

After the fourth time I noticed her husband and son building a higher wall, which kind of confused me a bit, but did not deter me from jumping anyway.

The fifth time the ball fell in her property I saw how her husband, her son and three more men starting to place barbwire on top of the higher wall. I thought they might be worried about crime in the neighborhood, as it was recently reported that a goat had gone missing. Cursing the thieves I jumped the wall and left a large piece of my favorite shorts hanging from the barbwire.

Sixth time I found myself in front of an impenetrable wall to go through so I took my very long stick with a net which I use to clean my pool and after some effort and time I took my ball back. The people who live in the house did not really like that. Looking back, I guess that is when the hostilities started.

My stick with the net was the second casualty, the first one was the ball I couldn´t get because the lady pulled the stick off of my hands from the other side of the wall while I was reaching to grab it. That was two and a half years ago. Since there I´ve lost 47 balls, that is approximately 1081 euros. It is approximately 1080 euros more than I earned with this blog in six months.

From there it went downhill, the old witch came out to her yard with one of my balls and a huge knife and stabbed it with a murderous and daring look in her face. She also burned some of them in the chimney so I could see the black smoke from my house. I believe she also fed her hens with the remnants of my burned balls. But despite her best efforts to dispose of them, most of the balls were still sprayed around her yard. She seemed to enjoy torturing me and my balls.

As a result of her many unprovoked acts of neighborly hostility, I was left with no choice but to start stalking her (that is how we roll in my village). After studying all her movements for some time, I realized she only went from the kitchen to the bedroom and back, except for the time she would detour and used the bathroom. I found it very suspicious that she never went to her living room, but I knew there had to be a good reason for it. Once I knew all her movements and routines, and taking advantage of her husband´s departure to work, I would sneak in and whack her in the head with my machete. Clean and quick.

Then I realised how stupid my plan was. If I got rid of her body (piece of cake here in the country) and took all my balls back, everybody would suspect I killed her. Now, our village CSI team has not been known for their crime solving acumen, so I think my chances here might be around fifty fifty. I could also kill her for the satisfaction of it, but sacrifice my balls in the process. That would really be a fool proof alibi when the CSI team comes around my house (Dude, you think I would kill the lovely old lady and leave all my balls there?). In case you are thinking that a bunch of balls are not worth murder, I also have a few other reasons to do away with her:

1/ She used to steal our chestnuts (Chestnuts are holy for me)

2/ She was extremly ugly and annoying (on those basis I should kill myself too)

3/ Either with me or with no one! (She dropped me after using me to feel young again, she did not succeed)

4/ She challenged me in a duel to end with the whole ball situation (We agreed to a fist fight, she had good punchs and even though her hip was damaged she showed me some good moves, but when I could hit her on the chin and knocked her down everything came very easy, with her in the floor I just kicked her in her wrinkled face more or less until she passed away)

5/ She played soccer better than me and I couldn´t take it (Soccer is clearly a female or homos game)

6/ I don´t know why I did it I just know it felt amazing (You should try it, we call it euthanasia around here)

7) I hit her with a ball in her temple (We need to find a new goal now)

8/ She was the last one left (Now I can proudly say I am a real hermit)

9/ I´m not a good drinker (She was not a good person to drink with)

10/ It was a me-or-she situation (I´m not sure she was aware of that)

No comments:

Post a Comment