Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Ways of dealing with an operator

You know how operators work. You are at your house sleeping, watching TV, hanging out with your girl, by yourself staring at a wall for hours or just trying to convince yourself of getting in to the bathroom and cutting your feet nails for the last fucking time when the phone starts ringing. Someone tries to sell you something, you are not interested at all but the operator insists asking you and offering you crap.

Ok, everybody has his own methods, but the truth is that most of us just listen to them trying to be polite while we try to ending the conversation in good terms. I went to an operator training once. I thought if I couldn’t beat the enemy I should join him, so I went to an interview and then to a process of selection where they taught me their soulless methods. One of the advices I recall is for example: When you are at the phone you are not a human being anymore, you are a seller Understand?

They have other techniques as well, for example, they know every possible response a client would make and they have several responses to hold the phone call on, they trained us to avoiding costumer’s hangs up. For three days I was trained to sell some offer to people. It was for a cell phones, TV channels and internet company named “Orange”

They told me things like: Old people are better because they are easier to confuse. Don’t hang up if the person who answers the phone tells you that the person you are asking for is death, it means that we can’t sell to him anymore but we can sell to the one who you are talking with. Don’t speak with them about anything that is not our offers, remember, you are a seller, not a person. Our offers are not better than the others companies offers at all, but you have to believe it is to being able to sell something.

I didn’t get the job at the end, for one part I was happy because the job sucked and it was going against my principle (just kidding. I don’t have any…) but for another part I was pissed because that place was full off smoking hot women. It was a joke, there where like forty people there, half of them were hot women. And the worst thing was that the guys there were really ugly. A bunch of hot women mixed with a bunch of ugly dudes it’s always something I don’t like to miss.

The thing is that since I went to that interview every time that I receive a phone call from an operator I answer this: Sorry, I don’t want to be rude but I worked as an operator too and I’m aware of your bullshit, just let me go man… They usually understand and hang up, sometimes they even chit-chat with me about how awful they job is (once someone told me how awful his life was…). But the truth is that I think there are better ways of dealing with an operator:

1/ If you want to end the thing quickly just scare them. Talk to them on high levels, yell a lot, if you can, try to emulate and Italian or Ebonics accent. If you have them just use them (Italians shouldn’t emulate Ebonics and blacks shouldn’t emulate Italian’s accent… Fuck it! You should try it):

Operator: Hello May I speak to “Mr. X” please?

You: Who the fuck is fucking asking that mother fucking question?

Ok, probably the thing would end there, but if you find a tough seller it would keep going like this:

Operator: Excuse me sir… Are you “Mr X” please?

You: Okay fucking asshole. I’m gonna tell you and I’m gonna tell you just once. If you don’t fucking hang up your piece of shit of phone right a way I’m gonna take my glock and search you until one of us dies

2/ When you answer the phone and you realise you are talking with an operator don’t talk, just be quiet letting the operator hear your breathing without saying a word until he hangs up (It can probably last hours though)

3/ If you are bored at home and you want to have some fun you should try this one:

Operator: Hello May I speak to “Mr. X” please?

You: You are talking to him alreadyyyyyy…

Operator: Okay sir. My name is “Sucker” I’m from “Orange” Would you be interested in hearing our offers?

You: Hello “Suckerrrrrr…” How are youuuu…?

Operator: I am very fine thank you very much… So “Mr. X”…Would you be interested in hearing our offers? They are really good

You: Will you be my best frienddddd?

Operator: I beg your pardon sir

You: Can I pet you like a doggyyyyy “Suckerrrr”?

Operator: Excuse me?

You: I love youuuu you love meeee we’re a happy familyyyy, with a great big hug and a kiss from me to youuuu. Won´t you say you love me toooo

4/ If you wish you were funny but unfortunately you are not. Redeem yourself and take advantage of a person who is paid to liking and pleasing you. Make your stupid jokes but this time get a guffaw at the end:

Operator: Hello May I speak to “Mr. X” please?

You: Whatever it is I didn’t do it… hahaha

Operator: Hehe… My name is “Piece of shit” I’m from “Orange” Would you be interested in hearing our offers?

You: Would be “Orange” interested in my offers… hahaha? (Very important: Always laugh of your own jokes… well; if you took this option you probably do it already)

Operator: Mmm… We have a really fast connection going on, a lot of TV channels… (I don’t know what the fuck they say around Anglo-Saxon countries but it doesn’t matter. Never listen to them! Interrupt them all the time)

You: What does a tree say to another tree?

Operator: Sorry? What was that?

You: Nothing! Vegetables don’t speak! Hahaha

Operator: Oh hehe…Listen to me Sir, we have good offers in terms of… (Interrupt him again)

You: This is a woman who didn’t know how to name her cat and she named it “Myboobs” One day the cat was missing and she asked a cop: -Did you see “Myboobs” And he answered her: - No but I would like to… hahaha

Operator: Hehe… We have cheap offers as well such as… (Interrupt him again and again and just tell him all that joke material you had had forgotten in your drawer on and on until he hangs up)

5/ Tell the operator you can’t talk because you are driving your car and then pretend to have a mortal accident before hanging up. The operator probably won’t give a shit because they give away their souls in the operator’s training, but maybe you find someone who stills being a good person and freaks out for the rest of his life (Being a good person has always bad consequences)

6/ If you are with some friends at home and they are up to it, you should make a scene. Recreate an assassination or a rape, something like this:

Operator: Hello May I speak to “Mr. X” please?

You: What’s up? (Here your friends should start screaming like if someone was killing or raping them while they ask for help desperately)

Operator: Okay sir... My name is “Asstight” I’m from “Orange” Would you be interested in hearing our offers? (They would probably last awhile until they get worried about what they are hearing. Don’t forget they are trained to be soulless)

You: I’m very busy right now… What is your offer about? (While your friends are screaming you have to speak with a really nervous voice. Don’t forget, you are an assassin)

Operator: No problem, I’ll be fast sir… We have a really fast connection going on, a lot of TV channels… (Let them explain their whole shit while your friends keep on screaming without saying a word, then the operator would probably ask this: - Is everything okay sir?)

You: (Now it’s your time to scream and became in a real killer) No! Everything is not okay! Shut up kids don’t make me end all this right now! Come here! Come here right now! Wait there piece of shit! (In this point just drop the phone and start making fight noises and screams)

7/ If the operator is a woman you should play the sex offender character. Breathe very intense, gasp to the phone every time… (Well, if you are reading this you probably are a sex offender and you already know what to do)

Operator: Hello May I speak to “Mr. X” please?

You: Yes… I am “Mr. X”… Who are you? (Try to sound like if you were really horny)

Operator: I’m calling you from “Orange” Would you be interested in hearing our offers right?

You: What is… your name… sweet? I like your girly voice…

Operator: Hehe…My name is “Carla” sir… We have a really fast connection going on, a lot of TV channels… (Interrupt her)

You: What are you wearing…Carlygirl?

Operator: I beg your pardon

You: Aaah… (Make a big gasp here, like if you were touching yourself already) Are you wearing panties…Carla? (Repeat her name, make her regret that she told you)

Operator: Excuse me sir…

You: Aaah… You have a fatty girl voice Carla… Are you a fatty girl Carla? Are you a really fat big nasty woman Carla?

I think she probably would hang up after this, but just in case she went to an intensive operator’s training. It would follow such like this:

Operator: No sir, as matter of fact I am not an over weighted person… Are you interested in what are you hearing or not?

You: Oh yeah… Keep talking Carla… I’m almost there… aaah… I’m almost here baby keep talking…I like your fatty voice… (She won’t talk of course, that will make you very angry) What the fuck? Keep talking you bitch!

8/ If you want to have fun but you are in a hurry and the operator is a dude you should try this one: Do a really disgusting gay voice (Despite we can say, men aren’t ready to deal on private with homosexuals yet)

Operator: Hello May I speak to “Mr. X” please?

You: Hellooo I’m “Mr. X” cowboy (Don’t forget the really gay voice)

Operator: Oh, hello “Mr. X” I’m calling you from “Orange” Would you be interested in hearing our offers right?

You: Of course I am cowboy… Did someone tell you that you have a really manly voice? I bet you are very tight and you are in great shape… hihihi

Operator: Oh, thank you sir I appreciate that… We have a really fast connection going on, a lot of TV channels… (Interrupt him, don’t let him talk too much)

You: Did I tell you that I’m alone at home… home alone like Macaulay… hihihi

Operator: I beg your pardon

You: I want your cock in my asshole right now bad boy

Operator: What?

You: I wanna be your slave. I wanna be punished by your venous big cock. Make me scream like the girl I am!

9/ If you want to have fun without any effort just try this one: Pretend to be very interested in what the operator has to tell you, more or less like this:

Operator: Hello May I speak to “Mr. X” please?

You: Yes, I’m “Mr. X” How are you? (Pretend to be very excited and interested with the phone call)

Operator: I am very fine thank you “Mr. X” I’m calling you from “Orange” Would you be interested in hearing our offers right?

You: Oh yes I am very interested sir, I was expecting your call… Right now I was in the middle of something but it will only take me a moment. Would you wait two minutes for me please? I’ll be right back (Leave your phone and keep doing whatever you were doing, put the operator on hold those two or more minutes until he gets desperate and hangs up)

10/ My last advice is paying them with their own medicine. It would work like this I guess:

Operator: Hello May I speak to “Mr. X” please?

You: I am “Mr. X”

Operator: Good morning “Mr. X” I’m calling you from “Orange” Would you be interested in hearing our offers right?

You: Are you from “Orange”?

Operator: That’s right sir

You: Oh nice. What do you think about headphones with high sound quality?

Operator: Excuse me?

You: I have the best in the market right now… and they are very economic Do you work with headphones right?

Operator: Yes I do but… (Interrupt him)

You: How are they? Do you hear well or sometimes you wish you have better quality? How does the microphone work? (At this point the operator would be confused)

Operator: I guess I can’t complain… We have good offers in relation with… (Interrupt him again, most of them just read their stupid offers and don’t give a fuck about you, so you have to be rough at the interrupting part)

You: Shut up for a moment! What’s your name?

Operator: “Smellycrap” sir

You: Okay “Smellycrap” I have a game of fifty best quality headphones, they join every head size, they are quilted for your comfort. May I ask what head size do you have?

Operator: Mmm…

You: They have a small keypad where you can put your calls on hold or make multiple calls or a lot of different interesting options

Operator: Mmm…

Just keep bullshitting the operator until he decides to hang up and never calling you again.

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