Monday, April 26, 2010

Ways of saying No to a mass

In the small village where I live there exists a tradition where some Christian people come by during holy week(the week of Easter) from Madrid to pray and similar bullshits. The priest asks the inhabitants who usually go to mass to feed them for a day. Two people from Madrid to every Christian inhabitant’s house to have lunch. That’s pretty much how it works

So there I was, lying on the sofa petting my balls when my mother told me that the next day two unknown Christians from Madrid would come to eat with us. I laughed, I usually laugh with everything related with religion, I find it very funny, of course Christians don’t find that I find it funny, funny. They don’t think anything is funny actually.

Spain is full of fucking Christians, thank God most of us are just born Christian, we are not really believers, we don’t have much of any other religion so I don’t have more complaints. For some reason I couldn’t understand yet, I thought that two hot girls would come to my house. I related the words: “two Christians” with the words: “two hot women” (Did I say that I’m an idiot already right?).

So the next day I was expectant waiting for them to show up. As the hour was approaching, the more I started doubting: Well… they don’t have to be two hot girls, that would be crazy, but maybe just one, one hot girl isn’t an unrealistic thing, Spain is full of Christians and hot girls too… After awhile of fooling myself, they arrived, I saw them by the window first. A dude and a chick, in their thirties, he had a prick appearance and she was one of the ugliest human beings I’ve seen.

The polite shit started, the: “hello, my name is…, I work in…You have a beautiful place… bla bla bla” After that enriching introduction we sat to have lunch. Guess what was the topic at the table, oh yeah: Jesus is so great, God is amazing, the new pope is so lovely, the Virgin Mary is of the hook yo´… After sharing the greatness of Catholicism the Christian prick told us a story about how God had helped him in the past and why he was so religious now (Despite Woody Allen’s movies, Spaniards don’t speak English in private, so I’m going to translate for you how he told us his encouraging story and how the meal went).

Christian prick: A few years ago I was making the Santiago’s way (That’s a famous tradition in Europe, people walk hundreds of miles to the Cathedral of the city of Santiago de Compostela, some of them for religious matters and most of them for fun. It started as a piligrimage route but for most people its just the world’s longest hiking trail. The Christian prick was doing it for fun I guess) At one point I was at some villager’s house resting (Villagers feed and let people who are making the way to sleep in their houses, that’s a nice tradition) when I felt to the floor, everybody around worried and I didn’t know why, then I realized that I was in a Rottweiler’s zone, he was tied up, but he could reach me and he bit me… But the Divine Providence made that the dog in stead of clamping on to me, it let me go…Since them I have followed God’s ways and teachings

My father: God is always there for us

Ugly Christian: You are lucky He was there for you…

My mother: That breed usually bites so hard I can’t believe you are alive

Me: Did you really step into religion because of that experience?

Christian prick (Proud of himself and his shameful story): Yes, it was very refreshing

Me: Your story is awful sir, that’s all I can say right now

Christian prick (To my parents): Doesn’t he believe?

My mother: He is just joking, don’t pay him any attention…

Lunch went on like this for some time, stupid conversations about stupid God. Once we were done, dessert arrived, my father always has homemade liquors, he offered them to try one and since they were polite people who they had just met, they didn’t have the guts to say no. First of all, my father gave them a shot of some kind of moonshine (Agua ardiente in Spanish), if you don’t know, it is a really strong drink. They swallowed, it was pretty hard for the woman, but the guy took it really good, or he pretended to, my father understood that as a challenge I guess.

My dad started talking about how his brothers make that liquors at home, how he has a bunch of different flavours and how fucking great they are, the Christian prick stood pretending to be very interested in what my father was telling him, just being polite of course. Then my father offered him another kind of home made liquor, after pretending to be very interested, the guy couldn’t deny the offer and he took another shot of a strong drink. It wasn’t over yet, my father has a lot of Galician home made liquors and that guy was taking them very good so far.

After that, he offered another, this time the Christian refused, but my father insisted for a while: “This is lighter and tastier” The Christian took the lighter and tastier too, the spectacle had just started amusing me. The prick was already more pleased than a few minutes ago, but my father in his kindness thought that it would be a good idea to show him more of his liquors: “This one is strong, I won’t lie to you, but we made it with pieces of fruits and it tastes like fruit, try it, don’t be shy” And he wasn’t, the Christian prick took his fourth shot in five minutes, at that point he was already smiling more than ever before.

Christian prick (Hiding his retches): Oh I can feel the fruit… it tastes really good, strong but good…

My father (Filling the shot’s glass): You can have another, I don’t care, my brothers gave me a lot. Don´t be shy...

The guy waited for a minute and ignoring his friend’s advice he took his fifth shot at dessert. Then my mother brought coffee, before they started drinking it I had an idea, I was bored and getting that guy drunk by taking advantage of my father’s ignorance and kindness seemed like my best option to have some fun.

Me: Dad Why don’t you show them how we drink coffee around here?

He of course did, Galicia is a Celtic place, so our coffee is drunk as Irish coffee is (They are Celts too). He put moonshine on their cups, second shot for the woman, sixth for the man. I even laugh now recalling his face, that guy’s kindness and shyness put him really drunk that day. He was pretending to be fine, like if everything was normal around him, but I knew he was faking, that guy was worse than some guys at daybreak at pubs’closing time. That situation was really amusing me, so I kept forcing it.

Me: If he likes our Irish coffee, you should show him our coffee liquor dad

I thought that it was impossible, I just said that to make myself laugh, but my father took his home made coffee liquor (It is a tasty and strong drink with coffee flavour). He offered it to the prick, I mean, he filled the guy’s glass with it and gave it to him. The guy laughed uncomfortably saying that he didn´t want it trying to not being rude, after a few offers and a little bit insistence he took that shot too (Did I say that he was drinking home made wine at lunch?) The woman started to make moves to leave, they had to be at the priest’s place to sing at an afternoon mass or something like that.

The prick went to the bathroom and stayed there for a while, I think there was when the woman started to prepare the departure. But she ended talking with my father about “A Queimada” This is a Celtic tradition still alive where I live where people put moonshine liquor with other ingredients such as fruit or sugar, then they shut off the lights, burn it in the dark and while is fuming people say charms and when the flame expires they drink it. My father didn’t do the whole thing; but he took a clay saucepan, put some liquor on it, put sugar and burned it.

When the prick came back from the bathroom he witnessed the scene. Of course he couldn’t deny a shot of that mysterious liquid he had listened about but never saw because they don’t do it in Madrid. He ended having two shots making a total of nine shots in more or less twenty minutes. After the “Queimada” they left, honestly, the woman had to walk his friend out of the house (We found remnants of puke all over our bathroom after they left, it seemed like even though he was drunk, he was sober enough to put an effort in to cleaning it, didn’t succeed)

Of course before leaving, the woman as a Christian like she was, tried to evangelize me, that’s what Christians do, they need to make sure everybody around them loves their God

Ugly Christian: Are you coming to the mass this afternoon?

Me: Mmm…

Ugly Christian: You should, you really have to come, mass is really important. Do it for us, we are leaving pretty soon to Madrid, you have to come to mass please, you will feel better with yourself if you come Would you come to the mass please?

Me: Ok, I will go to your mass

She left happily. Of course I didn’t go to her stinky mass, I just told her I would to end that recriminatory conversation. I lied to her. I failed one of their ten commandments, I thought that maybe it wasn’t the best way of behaving. These are other ways of saying No to a mass:

Ugly Christian: Would you come to the mass please?

1/ I wish I could, but I’m not sure about my beliefs yet, I would feel uncomfortable in a Catholic mass with everybody believing in a thing I don’t believe in (Christians don’t give a fuck of what people think, they just want people in church to get their money)

2/ I’m not sure if I will, I have to read to the blind this afternoon, but you can go anyway, enjoy the sermon (Ironically I usually read sermons when I’m reading to the blind)

3/ I’m sorry madam, I relate Christianity with Nazism and I don’t want to be related with any of them (Would have I said something untrue?)

4/ Yes, I love masses, I really enjoy the shaking hands part, I like touching and petting old people (They are like big peanuts)

5/ The truth madam is that I’ll kill myself and my family before putting my foot in that devilish building (I will kill her too)

6/ Shut the fuck up fucking whore! You are in my fucking home! How dare are you to force me to go to a fucking mass? Fuck you and fuck your God! (Some honesty at last)

7/ Excuse me but I won’t go, you shouldn’t either, priests are full of shit. Why don’t you go upstairs with your drunken friend and pleasure him? (He was too drunk to care about her ugliness and she was too ugly to care about his drunkenness)

8/ They banned my entry in to church because I masturbated staring at Virgin Mary statues (She turns me on)

9/ I would love to go, but I dated the priest when I was a little kid and our relationship is still a bit uncomfortable (He hurt me in so many ways…)

10/ I’ll go if you suck my dick and swallow my cum in front of the altar at the Eucharist part (Jesus loves that shit, he was a hippie)

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