Things I don´t do

There are some things people do and I don’t. I don’t know if everybody really does those things or just pretends to like myself, let’s check it out:

1/ On my birthdays with the candles and the cake, everybody around me forces me to make a wish when I blow the candles but I don’t do it. I just pretend to make a wish, when they ask me what I wished for I just tell them that if you say it, the wish won’t come true. That stupid excuse works perfectly (I wish I could fake the blowing the candles part too)

2/ When I find someone I know on the street or wherever I don’t get happy, it doesn’t excite me at all. But since everybody looks so excited and happy to find me on the street or wherever I have to pretend to be happy and excited (We are just two human beings who happen to know each other from the past and who happened upon each other )

3/ Sometimes I find myself in situations where everybody starts singing: birthday parties, family reunions, hanging out with friends, satanic meetings... I don’t sing, I just pretend to be singing, moving my lips and sometimes nodding my head too (I usually don’t even know the lyrics)

4/ I went to church a lot when I was a boy, in there everybody is praying, sitting down, standing up or on their knees. I didn’t pray, I just pretended to be praying, closing my eyes with strength and making a hopeful gesture while thinking about my own stuff (I bet God fakes that He is listening too)

5/ When I’m lost in my car and I ask someone for directions, I don’t pay any attention. I just pretend to be listening while nodding my head hoping the explanation ends (I usually get the first phrase, follow that indication and then ask again to another person)

6/ I don’t wash my hands after peeing, I have my cock clean and I don’t touch the toilet or the pee with my hands, but if I’m in a public restroom and someone is in there I have to wet my hands pretending that this is what I usually do (Ok, maybe I’m a pig, but what do you say about that useless hands driers they have in the public bathrooms How do they expect we get our hands dry?)

7/ When I’m playing soccer and I score a goal I don’t get excited, everybody else acts as if they have just won the lottery but I just walk to my position again shaking hands with my team mates (I don’t see the big deal of putting a stinking ball inside a stupid goal in a shameful soccer game with loser players like myself)

8/ When a kid plays chess, basketball or whatever his parents force him to do with me, I don’t let him win. And I don’t fake being impressed of untalented boys gifts when their parents force them to show me (parents should beware of their kids limits, that’s my contribution to humanity)

9/ When I’m in the bed with a woman and something goes wrong I don’t pretend to be surprised and apoligize(I’m here to be pleased not to please)

10/ When I have to go to a funeral of someone I hardly knew I’m not sad at all. I just pretend to be sad in front of everybody but when I can have a private moment with someone who has my confidence, I make dark jokes and we laugh (You can make dark jokes at my funeral if you want I won’t give a shit then)