Thursday, April 8, 2010

Ways of saying No to a video tape

I’ve been in the States for a couple months due to some different reasons, one of them was that I wanted to learn English. I stayed with some relatives that live there and they signed me up in an English academy. I wasn’t very excited with the idea of going to class, that’s something I stopped doing when I was fourteen. Then they showed me a picture of my teacher on the school’s website. The first day I was there fifteen minutes early

Before describing this peculiar language school. I have to tell you how I got into Shakespeare´s tongue in the first place. I have a bunch of American’s relatives and I have studied this language in school since I was four. Despite that I didn’t know shit until I started to study by myself when I was twenty. My first teachers were Rachel, Ross, Chandler, Phoebe, Monica and Joey; then I fired them and jumped into Jerry, George, Kosmo and Elaine (I found them funnier). When I was able to understand them I hired Robert De Niro and Joe Pesci, that selection made several modifications in my way of talking, but I wasn´t done, when the Italians weren´t saying anything new to me I switched them for Tupac Shakur, Biggie Smalls, Marshall Mathers and Jay Z. Then was when I got the level I have now (And yes, my spoken English is kind of weird)

With that mixture of slangs, I went to the language school. It was a medium-sized academy, pretty new and with a lot of different female teachers teaching a lot of different languages, from English to Farsi passing through Japanese or Spanish. The only guy working there was the one who was leading the place, young, in his early thirties probably. Only a few seconds after meeting him I realized that I was dealing with a teacher pimp. He was too nice even for an american polite person. He introduced me to some different women making me wonder If he was offering me them and I had to chose one

They had a free trial lesson, group classes and "private" lessons. My relative paid for a month of group classes before I went to the free trial lesson. The guy told us that they were teaching only one level of English but in the near future they would make a separation and teach two different levels, low and medium. We weren’t sure about which one I would fit in.

Then I get into the class, six students, two Indians, four Mexicans, a cute teacher and me. First of all I introduced myself, then the others started, I was trying to find out which student´s level I was facing when one of the Indians started:

- Hello... ummm... My self is... Toupurt?

I couldn’t help it and I laughed, they gave me bad looks and I tried to hide my guffaw with more or less success. The others introduced themselves too and then I went pale when I realized that Toupurt was the most promising student there

At the house I told my relatives that I was at a higher level than the others students, but since they were going to separate the class we decided to hold on. I attended for almost a month two days per week and nothing changed (Well, not 100% true, one of my two teachers started to look very interesting for me but... What the hell! You know her already) I told my relatives that we should try the "private" lessons, I guess I mean, I told them to pay the money they earn with hard work so I could spend time alone with my teacher. They thought that was a pretty fine idea and next day I asked the pimp for the private lessons price, then he became my hero. The rate was like 500$ per month. One class a week! (It would be worth more if they paid me for prostitutes and I talk to them while nailing them)

Of course they found it too expensive and they didn’t want to pay all that money for me to go to the private lessons, but I continued attending to the group lessons for another month telling them I was learning some things (I did in fact, not about English but about life: Indians and Mexicans are not the smartest people out there) So there I was, learning how to say my name and age in English while exchanging silly looks with my cute teacher (Or that´s what I thought I was doing). Time passed by and I had to come back to Spain, I said good bye to the people there and then to the pimp, but he had other ideas on his mind, he was too much of a visionary to just let me go.

He told me that he wanted to talk with me, I said ok, I don’t avoid probably really strange situations, but two female friends who were new students were talking with him, they had just done the free trial lesson and were deciding if whether to sign in or not. They were Mexicans of course, they didn´t know shit of English, but that´s understandable, they only had been living in the US for two years... I had to translate, because the pimp didn´t know Spanish and they weren´t able to communicate. Then I found out that translators have the power, they are more powerful than Superman.

Mexicans: - Dile que nuestro nivel es demasiado bajo, no entendiamos nada de lo que decían ahí dentro (Tell him that our level is too low, we couldn´t understand a thing in there)

Me: - This isn´t what they expected, they are not happy with you

Pimp: - Oh... What seemed to be the problem?

Me: - Este dice que para eso estáis aquí, que tenéis que aprender Inglés de una puta vez (This guy said that´s the reason why you guys are here and that you have to learn English for fucking once)

Mexicans: - ¿Dijo eso? Dile que no estamos seguras, que no entendimos nada de nada, necesitamos cosas más basicas, empezar de un nivel más bajo ( Did he? Tell him that we are not sure, we understand absolutely nothing in class, we need more basic things, start with a lower level)

Me: - They feel betrayed, they thought they were coming to a serious place. The level is too low for them, they felt like if they were with retarded students inside that room

Pimp: They can´t even talk to me!!

Me: El tontin este no está contento con vosotras, dice que si después de dos años viviendo aquí no entendeis... quizas seais demasiado lentas para su academia (This prick is not happy with you, he says that if after two years in the US you don´t understand anything… maybe you are too slow for his academy)

Mexicans: ¿Dijo eso? Tiene razón, pero al tener la tele, los amigos y todo en español… (Did he? He is right, but since we have everything in Spanish: Tv, family and friends…)

The thing went like this for more or less twenty minutes, I don´t remember everything I said, but in one point it get difficult, boring and dangerous. Maintain a double, triple or whatever the fuck conversations that I was having at the same time is harder than I thought (Of course the Mexicans didn´t sign in)

Then the pimp thanked me for my help, carried me to a private room and asked some stupid questions about my experience in his academy, I answered with more honesty than I could imagine and then he put the whole thing straight, his whole plan.

Pimp: - Would you want to talk about your experiences here in front of a videocamera?

Me: - … (…)

Pimp: - It’s for our website…

Before I knew it, we were going to another room, a more isolated one. He put me in front of a wall, took his camera and started taping and asking me questions about my English and my experiences in the academy. I was confused, frightened. I felt like a teenager facing her first amateur sex tape with an older unknown fat man for fifty bucks. I answered his questions and pray and hope that situation ended. That was one of the lowest points of my life (The video is not on their website yet, I´m desperly looking forward to watch it)

The funny thing is that it seemed like I had learned all my English in only two months there. Of course that was the whole idea of the pimp; he was taking advantage of me. I knew it but I just blanked, I couldn´t say no and avoid a really uncomfortable situation, later I thought about it and it didn’t seem so difficult to say no. These are some ways of saying no to a video tape:

Pimp: - Would you want to talk about your experiences here in front of a videocamera?

1/ No, as a matter of fact I don´t want to sir (Hard?)

2/ Oh sorry, right now I am in a hurry sir, I’ll come back tomorrow if you want (Wouldn’t work, I’d probably come back next day, I’m really stupid)

3/ I´m sorry sir, I help poor children at nights, in fact I´m late, they must be with the glue already (That´s a funny way of getting high, I love those kids)

4/ Sure, I would love it, unfortunately my grandpa is really ill, he might die tonight, I have to say goodbye to him in the hospital, but you can come if you want, bring your camera! (An old man’s death video would be happier than me telling with my accent how great was that fucking school)

5/ No! Are you fucking retarded? I didn´t learn shit here Aren´t you aware of that? I speak exactly the same as I spoke two months ago. I only kept coming because I am a man and due to that fact I want to introduce my penis into my teacher´s vagina. But I´m not going to give any credit to your disgusting school because of that (Sure you wont asshole!)

6/ I could do that sir, but the truth is that I hate you, and your fucking school and I´d probably release my anger towards you and the place in that tape and your little silly commercial wouldn´t work as you expect (It didn´t anyway, it was lame)

7/ Yes! Let´s do this dude! I´m looking forward to tell everybody how I jerked off in every single corner of this building (Not true, I just did it five or six times and always in the bathroom)

8/ Why not? Let´s do it! And later we can tape how I introduce produce up your ass and urethra too (He would probably enjoyed that shit, he was odd)

9/ No, Fuck you! (Yes, Fuck him!)

10/ I love snuff movies. Do you have a pistol? We can use mine (I don´t have one but I bet he does, those teachers would have run away from that place if he didn´t have one)

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