Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Ways of dealing with a maid

I have to find a work as soon as possible, the life of doing nothing is over for me. The reason: My parents hired a maid. You don’t appreciate the home life until an unknown person starts working in your house two mornings per week. She is a normal person though, where I live it is very common that women without studies or working experience work as maids while their children are at school. My maid is almost fifty, not attractive at all and not particularly outgoing if you are wondering.

You wake up unkempt, disoriented and with a huge boner, then you raise your head and you find an unknown woman cleaning your corridor. Or you want to have breakfast but your maid is cleaning the kitchen and the living-room at the same time. You just want to watch TV while waking up, but since someone is working in the same place you feel so bad that you have to leave. There are only inconveniences in having a maid working at your house.

The truth is that you feel guilty just for being at home, you see her doing her stuff and think: Well, I guess I could have cleaned that…I’m sorry I don’t know why I didn’t pick up those socks from the floor… Damn! I should have picked up those crumbs myself… You don’t have to make my bed, it is not necessary…Are you sure my mom commanded you to have sex with me?

The worst is with the bathroom though. I can’t take a shit when I know someone is in the other side of the door waiting to clean it. I can’t even pee knowing she is there, too much pressure. What if I miss the toilet or something? Some days I get inside the bathroom and see how everything is really clean How could I have a shower and mess it all up again? My personal hygiene is seriously deteriorating because of this whole thing

What do I do you may ask yourself? I try to sleep until she leaves, that means I sleep until one o’clock every Tuesday and Thursday. My sleeping has been very unbalanced since she has been working in my house. I’m suffering some kind of jet lag without even travelling. Furthermore she is noisy and sometimes she wakes me up and I just lay in my bed waiting for her departure, and she is a hell of a worker, she usually leaves after the time she should (I hate non-lazy people)

If you are suffering this same discomfort by any chance I took the licence to give you some tips, to help you get through the whole weird situation. These are ways of dealing with a maid:

1/ Respect her work overall and try to make her feel comfortable, chit chat with her a little bit and act normally, like if she was your mother or something (Until she was hired I thought that mothers and maids were the same thing. Now I understand the bad looks my mother used to give me when I called her “Maid”)

2/ Ask her if she needs help just to be polite knowing she will refuse and then be free to do your own stuff without worrying about her (I usually clean up the house when I do my own stuff so that would be impossible. That’s probably the reason why my parents hired a maid in the first place)

3/ Without saying a word, stare at her completely for the three hours she spends at my house. No matter how loud she asks me what I am doing or how loud she asks me to stop this behaviour, keep staring at her without saying a word (Did I mention that I’m still single ladies?)

4/ Take care of everything before she arrives so she has no work to do (That’s what I do with prostitutes)

5/ Accuse her of stealing and get her fired (That would be a mean thing to do, I prefer while she is cleaning the boiler, pretending an accident happened and carefully setting her on fire)

6/ Walk around naked until she freaks out and quits (I don’t see that happening, she cleans naked and seems to understand the comfort of nakedness pretty well)

7/ Put chemicals in her cleaning products so that she hallucinates (Last time I did that we ended up fucking the hell out of each other. And she was calling me Alf during the whole thing for some reason I didn’t understand yet)

8/ When I wake up with a boner and I see her, ask her to take care of it and basically molest her sexually while she is working until she quits (Do not, I repeat: Do not try this with plumbers, just with maids)

9/ Pee and crap on my bedroom floor until she realizes that the 20€ per day she gets isn’t worth it anymore (Then I would have to find somebody else to daily clean the urine and feces on my floor, you know, once you start going on your floor, going back to the toilet is crazy, a big step back in your life)

10/ Bury her in the backyard and start a legend of cursed maids in my house to scare the next one (Or just show this one the bones of the previous one in my backyard)


  1. Anonymous9/7/10

    Hey JJ,

    I have one more suggestion for you, since you don't work and apparently do little else, you should save your parents some money and get off your lazy ass and clean the house, sounds like the least thing you should be doing for them.


  2. Anonymous10/7/10

    People offended by JJ's blog: Blacks, Whites, Mexicans, Spaniards, Jews, junkies, Jamaicans, maids, the elderly, gypsies, women, mendicants, Christians, homosexuals, moms, and Jenny.