Thursday, July 15, 2010

Reasons I hope my landlord falls of a cliff

My much handsomer alter ego is currently in a country called Kosovo. He has a landlord that he doesn’t like. I shall assume his persona… now (Does someone really understand anything about this whole alter ego crap?)

When I first got to Pristina (the capital) and saw the house I was living in, it looked fine. The landlord had just contracted the home and it was freshly built; everything seemed sleek and modern. The house has four floors, a group and I occupy three floors with three of us on each floor and the landlord uses the basement apartment.

The landlord was there for about a week and left. He works in Germany and I didn’t mind seeing him go. The floors each have their own doors but we are a big group and leave them open allowing us to treat it as one big home, using the stairwell to visit each other at our leisure. Not having some creepy landlord at the bottom of the stairwell didn’t seem like a bad idea. Then things started happening. Imagine a demonically possessed house of ineptitude. These are the reasons I hope he falls off a cliff:

1/ Internet is included but the cheap bastard left us with one wireless router for nine of us, each with our own laptop. He didn’t spring for the largest bandwidth and it crashes all of the time (Are you guys living without internet? Oh my Gosh! Kosovo is a so tough place… Be a man for God sakes!)

2/ The home was supposed to be fully furnished for us but half of the rooms have nothing but futons in them. I live like a cloistered monk. I love keeping my clothes on the floor and being surrounded by four white walls when I go to bed every night (It reminds me of the mental institution, those were the days) (Okay, I concord in this one, that mental institution was amazing, shame some of us got out)

3/ The water pressure doesn’t reach the top floor and the people living up often have to come downstairs to take a shower when we all have to leave for work in the morning. (I can’t believe you super American guys still alive… I didn’t take a shower since a week already and I am very healthy and fine so far dude!)

4/ My toilet broke because the cheapest possible parts were used. If any of you have lifted the lid on a toilet, there is a plug that opens and closes to allow it to fill with water and then release it when you flush. He bought a piece that doesn’t fit properly so that it lets water through, the cistern doesn’t fill up and thus the toilet doesn’t flush. Of course the first time it didn’t flush on me, I had just relieved myself in the secondary fashion (I was taking a shit) and I had to leave my poop there without knowing what the hell to do. Somehow the maid our landlord hired got it all to go down without the flush working.
I have become a defecation nomad since I don’t like to use my housemates’ toilets. I go in restaurants and at work whenever I can. (Okay alter ego or whoever the hell you want to be, this is something I learned a week ago: TMI)

5/ The neighbors are right on top of us and loud as hell. The landlord decided to build a house on a narrow plot surrounded by shrieking neighbors. They prefer settling their many family disputes after midnight. I’m sure they can’t go out in daylight. Although the children like to go out in the daytime and bicker in their high-pitched whines while I am trying to get work done in my room. (I understand your pain in this one, it’s very difficult to be focused working while there is noise all around and when your work is being masturbated)

6/ A door fell of its hinges. Yes a brand new door on the first floor simply came off of its hinges. (Would anyone like a sled? It’s made of a great wood) (This blog is full of fucking publicity or it’s just me?)

7/ Remember the maid he hired? She cleans our house once a week. Great right? Nope, she steals. Not just money but random things. She stole my friend’s purple eye shadow. What a slovenly wench wants with makeup is beyond me. (You have to respect maids man, you don’t want to deal with Jenny again do you?)

8/ Remember our Internet? It doesn’t work anymore. Is it the company’s fault? No, he just hasn’t paid the bill. How do we know? Because when we try to go online, the internet service directs to a page that tells the landlord that he hasn’t paid and offers him convenient links to pay; such as with a bank account or even western union!
Our truant piece of shit landlord doesn’t pay bills. There is an electric bill we received that is past. (I’m seriously starting to be attracted to your landlord man)

9/ Perhaps he’s strapped for cash and waiting for our rent to clear you might wonder. No, we game him 2700 Euros before we even got there for two months rent. This is a country where the per capita GDP is les than 2000 dollars a year. We gave him a small fortune. The Internet bill is 30 Euros; the electric bill is 65. (Definitely, that guy is my new hero, an old Kosovan ripping off a bunch of young Americans is something remarkable)

10/ We are in Kosovo. The court system is ready to handle complaints against landlords. It would take us years to get our claim. I want him in jail. I want him to fall off a cliff. (Maybe you guys should give him some more money in exchange of him falling off a cliff. He seems to be a guy whom you can trust)

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