Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Reactions to an old woman illness in a plane

It happened on a long flight, Philadelphia-Madrid I think. Philadelphia, great city, better butter… So, travelling by plane is always the same, you wait in the airport checking out the pretty girls around hoping they get on your plane. Once you know which girls are flying with you, it is just a matter of time before you have to wait again, hoping they sit close to you.

I learned my lesson and I don’t talk or flirt with anybody in the airport. I think it is so frustrating wasting your energy in playing the good and funny guy when then your seat is in the tale section and hers is in the front (Although flirting for me is just staring while touching myself using my pockets to hide and usually girls don’t find me funny or good)

Airports and planes are always full of hot women, everybody knows that, I have travelled maybe more than the average, and I have to say I have never sat near a hot woman on a plane (Well… once I sat by a pretty Canadian but you know, Canadians don’t count) I usually end up with old people or married couples with crying children. In my first trip to NY I sat by a really old woman and her crying little dog in a basket

I hate the window, when I have a window seat I try trading it, of course every time I succeed. Windows seats on planes are like candy at your grandma’s house, you know they are there but they are not always offered to you, and getting them is a great joy. Don’t get me wrong, I like looking out the window, it’s awesome. But between enjoying the beauty of the amazing blue sky and having a free way to the bathroom… I’m sticking with the bathroom. Yes, the toilet beats the sky to me.

In that flight from Philadelphia to Madrid, I was suffering from a crazy allergy, I had more mucus than ever. Without exaggerating I had to blow my nose every five minutes because I couldn’t breathe, the mucus was so stuck in my nose I had to blow really hard. And in Spain blowing your nose is a normal thing to do, but in the States blowing your nose noisily is the grossest thing you can do. So every moment I had to go to the bathroom, and there, in that private spot we all like to use, was where I blew my nose noisily (It was bleeding too, just to picturing it better)

By my side I had an old couple, they were French, they lived in Spain and they spoke English, Spanish and French. They were good people of course, everybody at the planes are good people though, it is like being up in the air makes us better people. I don’t remember what we talked about and I wouldn’t tell if I did.

I was waiting for the little TV to being turned on just thinking how come air hostess are so ugly now a days, going to the bathroom to blow my nose and reading a funny book that made me laugh out loud a couple times making me feel weird. Nobody laughs on planes I guess, when the little TV was turned on I understood the reason why (US Airways needs someone to restock their broadcastings desperately)

When I finished the funny book (I hope they serve beer in hell), watched the only good movie offered (Invention of lying) and the only Curb Your Enthusiasm episode I found, that was it. I didn’t have anything else to do. Most of the people were sleeping, I tried and failed, my nose was giving me a rough time and at one point I just wanted to die. I searched the little TV guide: Sex in the city (The movie) Sex in the city (The TV show, four or five episodes) Sex in the city (The soundtrack) Sex in the city (Behind the scenes) I really started thinking US Airways and Sex in the city were related on this fucking plane.

So, that was my situation: I had finished my book, I had watched the only two things I liked in the little TV, my nose was a mess, mucus and blood making it impossible for me to breathe, I had an old couple sleeping by my side, a family with crying kids were in front of me, some people sleeping were at my back, and of course, in the other row of seats, but near me, were that classic couple living their passionate love in the plane’s darkness. Madrid was two or three hours away yet, my stinky cheap MP3 had run out of battery… It was a tough trip. Travelling alone is like masturbating, you get to the point you wanted, but it isn’t as pleasant as it can be with company.

When I thought anything could be worse, the old woman by my side woke up and started complaining about her tummy. She woke up her husband and told him she was feeling home sick. I got up and let them go to the restroom. After a couple minutes they arrived and she was looking awful, she had diarrhea and nauseas, the stewardess came and started worrying about her situation. She was really angry, she blamed the plane food

She had to wait and endure her pain until the flight was over. So, from this point on, I was in the same situation as I was before, but now with an old woman farting, retching and telling me how awful the plane’s food is. It’s pretty uncomfortable sitting with an old woman suffering and talking about how awful everything is while you almost can’t breathe and have to go to the bathroom every moment while trying to not be rude.

My reaction was to be polite. Pretending not being smelling the flatulence and the vomit, pretending that I was concerned about the old woman’s illness, pretending to be a good person. That’s what I did, and I don’t feel good about it, these are other reactions to an old woman illness on a plane:

1/ Lock myself in the bathroom and make it my own private spot on the plane until we arrived to Madrid ( It almost was, when you go every ten minutes to the bathroom, that bathroom and the aisle behind became in your own home)

2/ Start screaming and cause total chaos (Causing chaos on a plain is one of the things I’ve always dreamed with)

3/ Hug the old lady tight and call her grandma a couple times (At least it would’ve been funny see her reaction to that)

4/ Watch Sex and the city (No, I still prefer the angry, smelly, ill and tedious old lady)

5/ Run away from her, instead of listening to and smelling her, look for another seat where I could stare at the infinity until the flight was over (I live in the country, smelling feces makes me feel at home. I actually enjoyed that)

6/ Instead of listening to her, start telling her all about my life, being the tedious person instead of the patient and kind one (My life story would’ve killed her)

7/ Approach every single passenger and explain to them that I wasn’t on cocaine, that I had an allergy (When you go every ten minutes to the bathroom and you have a runny nose which by the way is bleeding, people start giving you looks)

8/ Take advantage of the situation and shit my pants as if nothing had happened (Yeah, sure… Like if I was the only one who would love to be able to shit on a plane’s seat with nobody noticing it)

9/ Surreptitiously take the seat belt and start hanging her (No lady! I don’t give a fuck if the pasta on the plane is low quality!)

10/ Give her a lap dance (Sadly, another young man beat me to it)

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